The Wolf.

If you don’t know what The Wolf of Wall Street is about, it’s a true story about Jordan Belfort who became a stock market billionaire by the time he was 26 in the 90s. He does a bunch of drugs and wild things, becomes frenemies with Steve Madden and then goes to jail. The end.

Here’s what you need to know about the movie:

Don’t make any future plans because you will be in the movie theater for the rest of your life. It’s long. I’m not complaining; I loved the movie – but to arrive at a theater at 1:45 and leave at 5:45 is a bit much. Some scenes did drag on a little – like one of Leo’s epic speeches, which I actually thought dragged on in the book too. I mean, move it along Jordan. Having read the book, I also knew what was going to happen (obviously) so when 2 hours into the movie they still hadn’t sunk a boat (spoiler?) I got a little antsy. But there are way worse things than spending 3 hours with Leonardo.

Speaking of my boyfriend, Leo is great as usual. We’ve all learned by now that he can play pretty much any character believably – but he may have been a little ambitious in his role as a 22-year-old Jordan Belfort at the beginning of the movie. They didn’t even try to Benjamin-Button him. But the movie is narrated by Jordan in first-person and has a little bit of a whimsical feel, so maybe it was supposed to be him like inserting his present self into his memories? Or maybe I’m giving Mr. Scorsese and his makeup team too much credit.

This is how he should have looked

Prepare yourself for excessive female nudity, excessive drug use, sexually explicit scenes and Jonah Hill’s penis.

Jonah Hill is hilarious with his fake massive teeth. He is becoming quite the talented sidekick. First alongside Brad Pitt in that baseball movie I had no interest in, and now with Leo. If you can’t be the man of everyone’s dreams, stand next to him and tell jokes. Genius.

Matthew Mcconaughey has a 5-minute part. After reading the book and seeing the role he had in the movie, I figured they would extend the part for him. But they didn’t. Judging from his emaciated body, he was clearly still busy shooting Dallas Buyer’s Club (also good), so maybe he just wanted to hang out for a bit. This is really all he does:

The girl who is playing the mother on How I Met Your Mother is also in the movie. She plays Jordan’s first and less-attractive wife.

His second wife is that girl with a Kermit voice from Pan Am, and she is a perfect specimen. I’d like to be her. I’d also like to remind her that we were once both at the same Rangers game so we’re basically friends and she should introduce me to Leo.

She’s Barbie

The real Jordan Belfort makes a cameo. I was like “hey I recognize you from your little face on the back of the book.” This is not surprising since he is obviously an attention whore and probably not that rich anymore.

The real and very tan Jordan Belfort

Melissa Joan Hart’s burn book

When I first heard Melissa Joan Hart wrote a tell-all-book called “Melissa Explains it All,” I thought YES. Reading that. After all, MJH was one of my childhood idols – she was so trendy on “Clarissa Explains it All,” and so magical on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” But the more I hear bout this book, the more I’m like come on Meliss, just because you weren’t the most popular of the early-millennium stars doesn’t mean you have to go reverse Mean Girls and write a burn book about the cool kids.

On Trend.

She calls Jerry O’Connell a “man whore,” and talks about that one time Ashton Kutcher hit on her but she totally blew him off.

Well, Ashton Kutcher was/is wildly more successful than you and now dates Mila Kunis who was/is also wildly more successful than you sooo…there’s that.

She also calls out Paris Hilton for offering her cocaine once, and Paris Hilton’s like “that was ONE time!”

There’s more:

She calls James Van Der Beek ugly. “Her first onscreen kiss was with James Van Der Beek—even though she had begged the producers to cast anyone but him, since she didn’t think he was attractive.”

And talks about how much Ryan Reynolds wanted her even though she had a boyfriend, and says he smelled too much like hair product. – TIME

Oh, and she was also the first person to sneak Britney Spears into a night club. Congratulations, you were at the forefront of her eventual demise – and you never told anyone because you are such a good friend!

In conclusion, I’m disappointed to report that MJH is a mean girl. She’s a bitch.

Back in high school

I’ve been revisiting classic books I read in middle school and high school. I read To Kill a Mockingbird and now I’m making my way through Catcher in the Rye. But what I’m really excited for is to re-read The Great Gatsby. Not only was it my favorite English class book, but the movie is getting closer and closer. I’m very excited because I love the book, I love Leo and I love sparkly rich people.

The soundtrack is also so up my ally. All I listen to lately is Florence and the Machine and Lana Del Rey. And the soundtrack is produced by Jay-Z who I’ll be seeing in concert this summer. Also Beyonce does a cover of Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.” This soundtrack is for me.

My only problem in regards to the movie is that that Carrie Mulligan chick is like a less cute version of Michelle Williams, who we all know is not so pretty.

Trivia: The book is rumored to be set in Westport, CT. My hood (kind of) – I should have been cast as Daisy.

Wise words for kids

This is Pone

I’ve been feeling inspired to write a children’s book. My first idea was something along the lines of “Goodnight, #pone” inspired, of course, by my whimsical pal, Pone. Then on Thanksgiving I thought maybe a good book would be “See dad, see mom, see dad become mom” inspired by someone my dad works with. I’m not the only one with really great book ideas, though. Here are some educational gifts for the chillun in your life:

For the problem child:

K is for Knifeball: the Alphabet of Terrible Advice

Only give this to your child if he/she has a surprisingly ironic sense of humor. Advice such as “D is for drifter who’s out on your lawn, invite him inside when your parents are gone,” is not meant to be taken literally.

For the kid on Ritalin:

Go the F**k to Sleep

Sometimes your little ones just need some tough love and the soothing voice of Samuel L. Jackson on a book-to-tape to lull them to sleep.

For the product of an unfortunate situation:

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Well this is sad.

For the existentialist child:

Would You Eat Your Cat?

I saw this at a book store and thought it would be a great tool to test a kid’s morals with philosophical questions that might make him cry. Would you eat your cat, kid? Would you?

For the kid who loves his/her cat too much to eat it:

I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

Enter the complex and poetic minds of kitty cats. Perfect for animal lovers and that girl who made the “Kittens inspired by kittens” video.

For the tween girl discovering her womanhood:

Feminist Ryan Gosling

Let someone better looking than her parents teach her what it means to be a woman.

For the Complainer:

All My Friends Are Dead

Show this little brat just how good he/she has it with this book of ways dinosaurs, cassette tapes and others have it worse. All the dinosaur’s friends are dead; all the old man’s friends are dead; all the tree’s friends are end tables – so stop crying, your life is fine.

You’re welcome for helping you finish all your holiday shopping and for making the kids in your life better people.

Beach Read: ‘Gone Girl’

I don’t like to browse bookstores because I get extremely overwhelmed. I have commitment issues with books – what if I pick a bad one?! So when choosing a book to bring with me on vacation, I went straight to the trusted New York Times best seller list. Everyone can’t be wrong about a book, right? Well yes, they can be because Fifty Shades of Grey was of course number 1 (through 3), and that just really doesn’t do it for me. The next best thing according to the masses is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

It’s a murder-mystery, which sounded great to me because I’m actually kind of morbid and love that stuff. So I lugged the huge hard-cover book with me to the DR.

It’s about a woman who goes missing on the day of her fifth wedding anniversary. It seems pretty obvious that the husband killed her, but nobody knows for absolute sure – not even the reader who goes through the investigation with him. We get the story from both the husband’s point of view and the wife’s.

I could have finished the whole thing in two days, but my vacation was 7-days long so I forced myself to slow down. I can’t say much about the story without giving it away, but it’s just an exciting read. Flynn is so good at manipulating you that you actually feel stupid when the plot twists. But you’re still just as instantly drawn into the new direction of the story as you were in the first part. It’s really a story about perception and the inner-workings of the the characters’ brains, which she develops perfectly.

Also, Reese Witherspoon’s company is going to produce a movie version of the book, which I’m excited about. I’m reading Dark Places now, one of her previous novels and also a bestseller. It’s good too, but it’s not as exciting as Gone Girl.

So in conclusion, what I have learned from choosing my books from the NYT best sellers list is that American’s are mostly into porn-y novels or disturbing murder stories.

‘Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?’

A question I have asked myself on more than one occasion…but this is not a post about my insecurities. It’s actually a post about Mindy Kaling‘s insecurities.

A friend gave me Mindy Kaling’s book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and Other Concerns), for my birthday two months ago. I didn’t pick it up until a week and a half ago because I’m not really all that interested in how one becomes Kelly Kapoor on The Office, but I was bored at home one night (probably because my friends were all hanging out without me) and decided to read it. I’m glad I decided to give it a shot because it’s actually a really funny book, which isn’t too surprising seeing as Mindy is a writer for The Office.

Also, it turns out Mindz and I have a lot in common. We are both short, wildly unathletic, and our hobby is dieting. We also both love Amy Poehler as Kaitlin on SNL (RICK!), and we dislike lakes. Oh, and I guess we both like to write.

I laughed out loud a lot while reading this book mostly because we have a similar sense of humor. But that’s also the reason I found myself rolling my eyes a lot. Sometimes her jokes seemed so obvious to me because they were the exact thing I would say. I am unimpressed by things that I can do myself. For example, earlier this week on the radio, they were talking about the first moon landing. People who can make other people land on the moon impress me. I don’t think I can do that (but in fairness to my own intellect, I’ve never tried).

We also have the same style.

While reading the book, I kept thinking to myself “I can totally write a book like this,” or “I would totally say that.” Should I hold it against someone that they are equally as great and funny as I am? Probably not, but I like to read books by people who are way greater and funnier. I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m just a well of untapped talent and should go take Mindy Kaling’s job. (Just kidding. She is great, and also The Office probably won’t last that much longer without Steve Carrell).

Anyway, I’m being unfair. Mindy’s book is cute, funny and easy to read. As she says in her intro, “if you are reading this book every night for months, something is not right.” And her story is actually pretty impressive – not everyone goes from being a normal girl growing up in Boston to getting a lucky break playing Ben Affleck in a two-woman show (my best friend and I should have had more faith in our two-woman puppet musical to the songs of Jennifer Lopez’s album “On the 6”) to becoming a big Hollywood comedy writer and actress.

Similar to Andy Cohen’s book, this is no inspirational rags-to-riches story. She even makes note that her life will never be a Lifetime movie called “From heroin to Harvard,” or some variation of that. But she gives a lot of funny anecdotes, makes random observations (many times in list form, which I like), and there are pictures in the book.

Any book that includes photos of dorky little Indian kids is okay with me.

All around, my biggest complaint is that it reminds me too much of the inner workings of my own brain – which are apparently good enough to become a best seller. All I need now is a reason for people to want to read my thoughts – either a grand success or a terrible failure that I overcome. Hopefully it will be option A – a life of success without failure. I think I just came up with the title of my book.

‘Most Talkative’

I read Andy Cohen’s Most Talkative for two reasons: because I love Bravo and Andy, and because I basically want to be him, so I thought this book might offer some insight.

Andy loves his book

I would definitley recommend it to any Bravo fans. It’s a super easy read, and it’s very funny. I was hysterical at his letters home from camp: “Dear Mom, I think I am having the worst time ever. Love, Andy.”

However, as far as any industry secrets and tips on how to make it, here’s what it taught me: your dream job will come to you like magic. Um, false. So he never actually says that, and I’m not saying he didn’t work his ass off to get where he is, but it seems like everything he wanted career-wise just happened. He wrote a letter to Susan Lucci’s publisher in college and got an interview with her, then he got a CBS internship in NYC, which turned into a job and so on and so on. He practically had to wear his graduation gown to cover the Tony Awards that’s how fast he got all these jobs. And it’s not only him; his friends had magical luck too. His best friend landed a job representing Tyra Banks in her early years and then went off to work at VH1 – all right after college. Andy, I want a follow-up book that tells us who and what all your secret connections were!

I forgot to mention there are pictures in the book too…

Well anyway, besides the fact that it made me jealous, I really enjoyed reading the book. My favorite parts were the ones that involved Andy’s mom, who is the best mom in the world. I also love that he called his housekeeper Blouse. And the behind-the-scenes chapters about the Housewives are also very interesting. All in all, take this book on vacation or something. It’ll make you laugh.

Oh, p.s. not to be obnoxious, but I found a couple typos. Woops, just saying.

The Games of Hunger

I joined the masses and read and watched The Hunger Games. The book was entertaining (reminiscent of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”), and only took me two days to read, and I really liked the movie too.

I saw Stanley Tucci at the airport once - we're friends.

Here are some things I liked about the movie:

– Katniss looks like my sister.
– The movie stays true to the book.
– I didn’t realize Elizabeth Banks and Woody Harrelson are in it.
– Stanley Tucci is hilarious with his blue hair and his laugh.
– The sponsors send Katniss body glitter to heal her burns – def. an essential survival tool.
– District 12 looks like the 1930s.
– Liam Hemsworth is hot.

Oh hey, Liam...

Things I didn’t like:

– Jennifer Lawrence with her bodacious body is the last person I would believe to have led a life of starvation.

So emaciated...

– Lenny Kravitz is weirdly sexual as Cinna.
– People die.
– Peeta is cute, but too short for Katniss.
– Liam Hemsworth is dating Miley Cyrus.

Someone wishes Jen wore flats.

For the bad days…

Twilight gets sexy

- Kristen Stewart talks about "love-making" on Jimmy Kimmel -

Whenever there’s talk of the Breaking Dawn movie lately it’s all about the infamous sex scene. I am just as excited for this movie as any other Twilight nerd, and I don’t care who knows it. However, I’m getting bothered by all the weirdos who are obsessed with the “sex thrusting scene” as Jimmy Kimmel put it.

I happen to know for a fact that Stephanie Meyer is a complete loser based on the fact that I read her books. Sure, I may have read them and indulged in the fantasy – but she wrote it, so she loses/wins because she’s a millionaire. Anyway, for three books, we suffered with Bella while she got rejected by her teenage/old man boyfriend. And then all the frustration culminates in a ridiculous sex scene complete with broken beds and a vampire pregnancy.

This is stupid for three reasons:  a) 17-year-old boys don’t turn down sex even if they are vampires, b) broken furniture and bruises does not innocent romance make – you over-indulged, Steph, and c) everyone knows vampires and humans can’t make babies.

- Breaking Dawn still (Summit Entertainment) -

But all of this is fine. My beef is with the fact that all the movie people took this embarrassing grocery store-novel love scene and translated it onto film, giving the movie an R rating. Of course there was probably an uproar from studio executives who were foreseeing losing 97% of ticket-buyers to the “no one under 17 permitted” rule, so the sex scene was toned down and it’s now tween-friendly once more.

So where does one cross the line from R-rated sex to PG-13 sex? According to Kristin Stuart, it’s not in the “thrusting” but in the noise-making: quiet sex is appropriate sex. She also says that the scene is mostly close-ups (all her lip-biting practice will finally come in handy, I guess).

In preparation for all the close, quiet excitement here’s a countdown of the “steamiest” Twilight moments: Ted Casablanca’s The Awful Truth (E!)