Lincoln Swift and Bieber Park: A partial AMAs recap

First, don’t try to figure out that title. It’s an inside joke…with myself.

I missed the majority of the AMAs – and by “missed” I mean wasn’t interested in watching – but I did flip to the channel in time to catch a few key performances. I witnessed Taylor Swift trying to be sexy during her performance of her new pop dance song, which shows the world that she can whine in a number of different genres. Then Lincoln Park came on and I changed the channel because they’ve sucked since I was in fifth grade. And to complete the trifecta of musicians I hate, Pink was next in line.

That man is not light.

I can’t say for sure what Pink has been doing in her spare time, but I’m fairly certain she’s training for Cirque du Soleil. Her multi-colored paint interpretive dance with the Incredible Hulk was both odd and incredibly impressive especially since she simultaneously belted out her terrible song that I can’t even remember right now. Despite awful taste in her own music, I have to award Pink performance of the night (out of the ones I saw) for actually showing some talent – even if it was better suited for the circus than the AMAs.

Then post-Selena Justin Bieber dusted off his broken heart and rocked out in his leather wife beater. He air grinded with Nicki Minaj on stage, and went on to win the whole show. Good for you, Biebs, you’re the cutest little tool out there.

And then when the producers were sure that all the little girls and boys were tucked in bed while visions of J-Beibs danced in their heads, they uncaged the rabid pop stars.

This makes so much sense

Christina Aguilera came out full auto-tune and full Wonder woman costume, but she wasn’t there to sing. She was there to be the ring leader of her own personal freak show. There was a little house, there was confetti, there were people with bags over their heads, there were drag queens and female body builders and a fat Black woman who did a split (oh my). Was there a song? I don’t know. Was there dancing? Maybe? Were there pants? No because female singers have all signed a pact to only wear leotards on stage.

I thought Xtina’s sideshow was bad enough (and definitely could have benefited from Pink’s acrobatics), but Swizz Beatz said “I see your trannies, and I raise you one Chris Brown tripping on acid.” He wins.

The “performance” of Swizz Beatz, Chris Brown and Ludacris was like witnessing a psychotic episode. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it was. Dancing waitresses jumped around to a frantic beat/siren while Chris Brown ripped off his shirt and unhinged his limbs like a maniac. Swizz Beatz and Ludacris rapped something about it being your birthday. It was a display of screaming and gyrating that I could have done without.

Luckily my boy Pitbull was there to break up these two hot messes with an awesome sampling of A-Ha’s “Take on Me” that featured a second-long Christina Aguilera cameo – leading me to believe that she wasn’t actually supposed to be in the song, but just stumbled on stage.

Get out of here, Christina. We’ve already seen your butt cape.

Being the American Music Awards, of course the night ended with a good Korean joke. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but we’ve had non-stop natural disasters for the past two years, Twinkies have been laid to rest and there is a small Korean man brain washing the masses to gallop like a horse. The world is most definitely ending.

For some reason I was already getting a scary Apocalyptic feeling from the bizarre Gangam Style/Too Legit to Quit mash-up performance even before the song ended with Mr. Gangam and MC Hammer standing over the backup dancers playing dead on the stage floor. Creeped me out. Sure it was kind of cool, but I will be listening to Whitney Houston songs on repeat on my headphones starting December 20th. If we are all doomed, I’m not interested in the last sound I ever hear being Gangam Style.

It’s the end of days.

Hey, sexy lady.

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All I want for Christmas is Mariah Carey’s success

Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” is obviously a staple every Christmas (or just all year-round if you’re my cousin Caitlin), but for the past few days I have found myself hearing it and talking about it way more than normal.

- All I want for Christmas is rainbows and butterflies and a Nickelodeon child actor -

The one thing I wasn’t aware of though, is that people are starting to cover it now. It’s too soon to cover that song, and nobody can do it like Mariah can do it. I know this because I have no voice right now from trying to do it like Mariah can do it all weekend. But I’ll humor the effort:

Michael Buble version:

Pros – This slow version actually really helped me learn the lyrics better. Now I know it doesn’t go:

- I get really uncomfortable when I stand next to Justin Bieber -

“And for the rest of time it’s nobody anywhere; I hear those santa children who laugh and fill the air. The moments we let slip away, I hear those sleigh bells ringing.  Santa won’t you stay won’t you really really stay, won’t you please be my baby for me?”

It’s goes:

“And all the light are shining so brightly everywhere and the sound of children’s laughter fills the air. And everyone is singing; I hear those sleigh bells ringing. Santa won’t you bring me the one I really love (it’s actually “need,” he got confused to), won’t you please bring my baby to me?”

Cons – Doesn’t make me want to dance

Justin Bieber version:

Pros – None

Cons – It sucks; Mariah Carey stooped low enough to do this duet.

Dance Remix:

Pros – Does make me want to dance

Cons – It’s stupid


OG Mariah version:

Pros – Best Christmas song of our generation

Cons – None (except she really needs to enunciate better)

Little extra treat:

Guilty Pleasures

- Like this guy, I also like donuts. But that's not so much of a secret -

I recently discovered two things that I secretly like. They are both songs and I am slightly embarrassed that I couldn’t stop listening to them all weekend – but clearly not that embarrassed since I am posting them for all to see.

The first is “Love you Like a Love Song” by Selena Gomez. I never gave this song a chance because Disney stars are annoying, and because it’s about Justin Bieber, which is weird (especially since he may be a teen dad). But, luckily for Selena, her song came on the radio while I was making a difficult left-hand turn, so I didn’t change the station. And I’m glad. After watching the video, I have new respect for Selena – not only is the song fun, but she wears all kinds of weird outfits in her video, which is exactly what I would do if I were starring in a music video. My only criticism is that the piñata scene that starts around 2:35 into the video is a rip-off of Rihanna’s “Only Girl” video. However, I love the “Only Girl” video and want to live in that pink desert/field and wear diamonds like Rihanna, so again, I would probably do the same in my music video.

Speaking of Rihanna…this brings me to my second guilty pleasure of the weekend – Rihanna’s new song “You da One.” I am ashamed that I like it because it has the word “da” in the title and because it’s kind of an annoying song. I find myself playing it and getting really irritated by her screaming “you da one” in my face. Yet I always listen to it again – the the genius of top 40 music I guess.

Ongoing guilty pleasure: Sheryl Crow radio in Pandora. I love me some sassy 90s ladies.

Royal Wedding Fever!

Okay, so I don’t really get it.

I tried hard not to catch Bieber fever, but I have to admit that I did – “Baby” is a quality jam. However, royal wedding fever is just not as contagious for me. For example, this fine china is one of the most hideous things I have ever seen:

I do know people who are really into it though, and I think it’s hilarious. AOL has a whole page dedicated to this stuff. Check it out if you’re one of “those.” The “Royal Wedding Hangover” is slightly funny – it got a chuckle out of me (how British of me).

I will give these crazy Will and Kate fans one thing, though: That jelly bean really does look just like her!