Lincoln Swift and Bieber Park: A partial AMAs recap

First, don’t try to figure out that title. It’s an inside joke…with myself.

I missed the majority of the AMAs – and by “missed” I mean wasn’t interested in watching – but I did flip to the channel in time to catch a few key performances. I witnessed Taylor Swift trying to be sexy during her performance of her new pop dance song, which shows the world that she can whine in a number of different genres. Then Lincoln Park came on and I changed the channel because they’ve sucked since I was in fifth grade. And to complete the trifecta of musicians I hate, Pink was next in line.

That man is not light.

I can’t say for sure what Pink has been doing in her spare time, but I’m fairly certain she’s training for Cirque du Soleil. Her multi-colored paint interpretive dance with the Incredible Hulk was both odd and incredibly impressive especially since she simultaneously belted out her terrible song that I can’t even remember right now. Despite awful taste in her own music, I have to award Pink performance of the night (out of the ones I saw) for actually showing some talent – even if it was better suited for the circus than the AMAs.

Then post-Selena Justin Bieber dusted off his broken heart and rocked out in his leather wife beater. He air grinded with Nicki Minaj on stage, and went on to win the whole show. Good for you, Biebs, you’re the cutest little tool out there.

And then when the producers were sure that all the little girls and boys were tucked in bed while visions of J-Beibs danced in their heads, they uncaged the rabid pop stars.

This makes so much sense

Christina Aguilera came out full auto-tune and full Wonder woman costume, but she wasn’t there to sing. She was there to be the ring leader of her own personal freak show. There was a little house, there was confetti, there were people with bags over their heads, there were drag queens and female body builders and a fat Black woman who did a split (oh my). Was there a song? I don’t know. Was there dancing? Maybe? Were there pants? No because female singers have all signed a pact to only wear leotards on stage.

I thought Xtina’s sideshow was bad enough (and definitely could have benefited from Pink’s acrobatics), but Swizz Beatz said “I see your trannies, and I raise you one Chris Brown tripping on acid.” He wins.

The “performance” of Swizz Beatz, Chris Brown and Ludacris was like witnessing a psychotic episode. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it was. Dancing waitresses jumped around to a frantic beat/siren while Chris Brown ripped off his shirt and unhinged his limbs like a maniac. Swizz Beatz and Ludacris rapped something about it being your birthday. It was a display of screaming and gyrating that I could have done without.

Luckily my boy Pitbull was there to break up these two hot messes with an awesome sampling of A-Ha’s “Take on Me” that featured a second-long Christina Aguilera cameo – leading me to believe that she wasn’t actually supposed to be in the song, but just stumbled on stage.

Get out of here, Christina. We’ve already seen your butt cape.

Being the American Music Awards, of course the night ended with a good Korean joke. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but we’ve had non-stop natural disasters for the past two years, Twinkies have been laid to rest and there is a small Korean man brain washing the masses to gallop like a horse. The world is most definitely ending.

For some reason I was already getting a scary Apocalyptic feeling from the bizarre Gangam Style/Too Legit to Quit mash-up performance even before the song ended with Mr. Gangam and MC Hammer standing over the backup dancers playing dead on the stage floor. Creeped me out. Sure it was kind of cool, but I will be listening to Whitney Houston songs on repeat on my headphones starting December 20th. If we are all doomed, I’m not interested in the last sound I ever hear being Gangam Style.

It’s the end of days.

Hey, sexy lady.


One thought on “Lincoln Swift and Bieber Park: A partial AMAs recap

  1. Pingback: Xtina playing dirrty? | Mid-day Margarita

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