That Awkward Moment…when I decided to see a Zac Efron movie and got lost getting there

“So…”(nothing good comes after that word according to Zefron in “That Awkward Moment,” but this is actually good – good in a “so bad it’s good” way.) This is how I spent my Sunday… I warn you, this is a really boring story.

My cousin, Lady C, visited from DC this weekend and she wanted to get some knock-off jewelry in China Town, so we decided to take the bus down. In my defense, I never go to China Town or take the bus…but that’s still not really an excuse for how the day progressed. What does this have to do with Zac Efron’s new movie? I’ll get there, but in keeping with the theme of my story, I’ll take a really roundabout way that wastes everyone’s time.

We did not find this

So…we took the bus down to some location in China Town and searched for street vendors. All we really found after an hour of wandering were fish stands and an indoor mall that offered nothing but math tutoring and jade (that’s not a racist joke. That’s literally all they had). So…we decided to head home. Lady C didn’t have a metro card so we got $2.50 in change from the pocket of a very nice Vietnamese woman and waited for the bus.

We did find this

We got on bus #1 only to find that it was the express bus and apparently you have to buy your ticket ahead of time (again, I don’t do the bus). The driver took us to the next stop, where we waited in the cold for 15 minutes. Then Lady C. turned to me and asked “how do you know what side of the street to stand on?” I almost died – not only were we waiting on the wrong side of the street, but we had already taken the wrong bus in the wrong direction. We crossed the street and waited another 10 minutes in front of a housing complex where lady C. had once eaten french fries with a foreign boy when she was 18. Bus #2 came. We chased it. It was another “express.” We waited another 10 minutes. Bus #3 came. We chased it. It was another “express.” We couldn’t feel our extremities anymore so we snuck on and rode it for free.

This is how I feel about NYC buses (New York Daily News)

So now the movie? No. We still have another 6 hours until then. Once Lady C. left, it was just Lady A and me, so we thought it would be nice to go get dinner and watch that new Zac Efron movie. We went down to SoHo and had a lovely meal at Cafe Select until it was movie time – “Let’s go see the movie in Kip’s Bay because we always go to Union Square and it’s right on the 6 anyway.” Idiots.

We started going down into the subway station and realized it was going downtown, so we crossed the street. After a couple stops on train #1, we were at the Brooklyn Bridge, last stop. How did this happen? I don’t know. So…we laughed at ourselves and got off to wait for the train on the other side of the tracks. Train #2 comes. After a few stops we realized we are at Wall Street. HOW did this happen twice? So…we got off at Wall Street, went above ground and paid again to get on the apparently elusive uptown 6. Train #3 comes – it’s the 5 so we take it to Union Square and transfer to the 6 again: train #4. Finally 30 minutes after the move has started we are in the right place. We walk 2 blocks in the wrong direction and then turn around and get to the theater. SOLD OUT.

Determined to see this movie after taking an underground tour of the city, we get back on the downtown 6 (train #5) and go to see it at Union Square. NOW, the movie.

Here are my observations:

1. It’s fine – all that would expect from a Zefron movie.

2. Zefron’s face looks bloated and his hands are puffy.

Why didn’t he look like this?

3. They go to Cafe Select twice in the movie – coincidence? Fate. (though the inside of “Cafe Select” in the movie isn’t the real interior).

The real inside

4. The main girl in the movie is gross looking.

Imogen Poots is the worst name of all time

5. But I agree with her that having the key to Gramercy Park is super fancy in a good way.

6. Guys in their 20s are incredibly disgusting.

7. It was not worth $14.50, but I was thoroughly entertained. And at 10:15 on Sunday night, it was really the only kind of movie I could handle.

SO….the point of this whole thing is not to be a movie review. It’s an ode to NYC public transportation. Thank you for getting me to where I want to go even when I am too stupid to figure out life.

I’m basically part of the SNL cast

This guy

So remember how a week and a half ago I Googled and posted a photo about this Colin Jost guy (and haven’t posted anything since)? Well I met him this weekend. Weird. If this is going to be new thing that happend I need to start posting way more about Leo.

Anyway, in a magical turn of events I ended up alone and surrounded by the entire cast of SNL celebrating Seth Meyers’ last show (sans Keenan and Drunk Uncle unfortunately) but plus Melissa McCarthy and Seth Meyer’s brother who reminded me I knew him from this:

Remember Randy?

I didn’t take any photos, so I could be making the whole thing up – but I’m not. Also, Melissa McCarthy thinks I’m funny. I made her laugh by saying something about Beyonce and surfboards (?) – maybe she was just being polite, but probably not because my jokes are usually hilarious. I just wish I could have sat her down to discuss Gilmore Girls.

Other highlights: Seth Meyers.

Adorbs

My biggest takeaway though is that these people are animals. I left at 7:00am completely distraught that I was not in my bed before the sun came up, and they were all still going – and some of them are like kind of old. Impressed.

In other celebrity news, on Friday I called out Adam Levine for his sunless tanner by telling him he was “really tan for wintertime.” So smooth.

Happy Halloween!!

I’ve been so in the Halloween spirit all month prepping for today!

I carved a pumpkin

Got an awesome costume together with minimal effort.

Made Halloween decorations from scratch:

Credit: Erin

Had some extra burlap….obv

Stole Halloween decorations from bars:

Watched the best movie ever.

Bought some candy for the trick-or-treaters that probably won’t come. Do NYC kids trick-or-treat?

And ate a fun-size Snickers bar for breakfast today. I am ready.

Ode to Sandy on her birthday

There’s this girl I hate. She ruined my life (and Halloween) exactly one year ago today. This is her story.

First we got the news that she was coming

And since I AM THE NEWS, I was summoned to work 18-hour days while everyone got a week’s vacation…

Stolen from Alyssa

But the great rains were coming

East River

East River

So I had to evacuate my home and become a refugee in Williamsburg where Sandy didn’t even bother to go because she’s such a betch. All the way to Brooklyn on a week night, no way.

But we were running out of supplies and had resorted to eating disgusting pies. And since the bridges and tunnels closed, and the subways flooded, we were forced to walk home on Halloween day to restock.

Crossing the bridge

Lower Manhattan was not a pretty sight

Lower East Side has Indian food!

Stuy Town, USA

But we came out of it eventually

Post-Sandy rainbow

Thanks to our leaders

Mitt Romney jokes were so in at the time

And we got a nice rent abatement. So happy birthday, Sandy. Thanks for the memories.

September on the river

This gallery contains 12 photos.

Katie Couric is a big Sheryl Crow fan

Last night, I took Alyssa up on her offer of one free ticket to the PBS taping of The Artists Den with Sheryl Crow at the Plaza Hotel. Aside from it being too random to pass up, I actually am an avid listener of the Sheryl Crow Pandora station – it’s like the Lilith Fair in your headphones.

When we first got there, the whole thing seemed very unorganized – booze was downstairs, standing room only etc. etc. but then it got good. Sheryl was awesome and played most of her old songs (sprinkled with some of her new country songs, which are pretty cheese), and we got to stand under Katie Couric’s balcony seating.

Gotta Insta that

Hi Katie. I’m down here

Katie is apparently a huge fan. She spent the whole time canoodling with her man and taking videos of the concert on her phone. I checked her Instagram to see if she posted any photos from the concert. She didn’t, but she did post this:

I was really hoping to meet her at the VIP after party at the Oak Room (yeah we had access, we are fancy) so I could charm her and she’d take me under her journalistic wing, but she left the show early.

The show ended on a great note with “Everyday is a Winding Road,” so we were excited when she came back for an encore. Apparently they thought it would be an awesome idea to end the concert with a song that made everyone want to go blow dry their hair in the tub.

“Waterproof Mascara” is a new country jam about Sheryl Crow’s fatherless children and it includes the line “Thank God they made waterproof mascara ’cause it won’t run like his daddy did.”

So after that song ended everyone kind of laughed about it and was like okay kiss kiss goodnight, I’m going to go never listen to that again. But then Sheryl came back. Since this was taped for TV she had to do some songs over again. This was one of them. Seriously? Luckily she redeemed herself by having to redo “Steve McQueen” after that.

But then, she had to do the mascara song AGAIN. Three times. She even apologized for being such a “womp.” I mean, yes, you are a womp right now Sheryl. The only upside, we thought, was that by this point we knew the lyrics so we could pretend to get really into it and they would want to tape us for the show.

Even after three renditions of the most depressing song ever written, I was still loving the Sheryl so I was all for going to the Oak Room to meet her. The first thing I noticed is that she’s super tiny, the second thing I noticed is that she’s super nice. Alyssa happened to come across an article about her in Rolling Stone so she brought it to get signed. After she signed it, my girl Sheryl remembered that she had yet to shake my hand so she initiated the best-friendship – which is good because I would not have let her off the hook. My name is Lidia and it’s nice to meet you, Sheryl – and I’m not letting you get away without hearing it!

She smiled for my photo

We couldn’t get a photo with her because she was in and out really quickly, but we stayed afterward and hung out with all 5 people who actually showed up to the after party. And by “hung out” I mean we sat by ourselves and had all the free cheese and salad and wine.

Little keepsake

Then we left the plaza to head back home and Alyssa stepped on a rat – just a little reminder of our real place in this world after a night of luxury.

Weird midnight dinner at the Oak Room?

Staten Island Adventure

Daytripping in Staten Island, duh

Last September, upon moving to the great city of New York, Erin and I decided to explore one of the city’s classiest gems – Coney Island. A couple weeks ago, we thought we were overdue for an adventure so we took a little trip to Staten Island – also classy.

There she is. The majestic Staten Island Ferry

Semi-unrealted, at work we have started using an app called Videolicious. It’s an app that let’s you make videos on your phone and “share your story.” I wanted to test it out but needed a story, so I went with our Staten Island adventure. Before I show you my 53-second masterpiece, I’ll share the background story. I could have done this as a voice over in my video, but that’s really awkward.

It was a beautiful Sunday and we could have laid out and tanned, but a free ferry ride to Staten Island seemed like way more fun. I was imaging myself as the trashy Olsen in It Takes Two.

Little Betty Buttkiss

First we made a pit stop at Battery Park so Erin could get somewhat close to the Statue of Liberty. We tried to do that thing people do when they squish landmarks. We weren’t that good at it. Then we watched a Jewish lesbian wedding. Then we headed toward the ferry station.

When the flood gates opened, we were corralled onto the boat with the masses – and by masses I mean hundreds of small children. There was no deck, so we all stuck out heads out the windows like dogs in a car. It was kind of enjoyable until my eye started watering uncontrollably – but the view was nice.

Anxiously awaiting the luxury ocean liner.

Twenty-five minutes later we were in beautiful downtown St. George. We made a pit stop at the “visitors’ center” and grabbed a map that showed us the town’s attractions and places to eat (good joke, Staten Island). But first, we hung out with all our fellow boat friends and took photos in front of the Manhattan skyline. This is the best we could get from the bitchy foreign girl who took our photo:

After this, I don’t know where everyone disappeared to. We walked over to the baseball field that seemed to be important to everyone, but it was deserted. So we went to do a loop around town and find somewhere to eat.

We soon discovered that Staten Island comes equipped with San Francisco-style inclines and stagnant air. But most importantly, they take Sundays very seriously. Everything was closed. Not a soul in sight. A couple buying pizza. That’s it.

We walked around keeping an eye out for tumble weeds and all we saw were closed businesses and ghetto delis. Should I be having fomo right now? Is everyone somewhere I don’t know about? Probably civilization where I came from. Then we came across the court house, which had glitter strewn all over the front steps and realized the whole town must be hung over from the rave they had the night before.

Great trip

At this point we were sweating and sufficiently creeped out so we checked the time. Three minutes til the next ferry. We sprinted. Made it. Survived. Stuck our heads out the window and never looked back.

Enjoy some memories of the barren streets of St. George to my favorite tune, “beebop”:

Summer hits NYC

I see you Manhattan

Brooklyn Gothic

You’ve got ladies in your eyes

Kids

Adult pool

Tropical NYC

Classy Broads

Hello spring, hello NYC

This gallery contains 15 photos.

   

Culturally enriched

View from the top of the New Museum

Yesterday afternoon my roommates and I went to the New Museum to check out what can only be a collection things that artist Rosemarie Trockel found when she cleaned out her grandma’s attic and then tried to pass off as “art.”

The New York Times gave “Rosemarie Trockel: A Cosmos” a favorable review. But I call BS. I would, however, like to thank Ms. Trockel for an entertaining couple of hours.

Paper birds and a cloud of fur

Before we set off on our trip through the “Cosmos,” we checked out an exhibit called “Walking Drifting Dragging,” which chronicles the journeys of three artists including one guy who traveled from Brazil to New York on foot in a pair of flip flops. While I find this feat to be very impressive in a Jesus kind of way, it’s the artifacts he chose to display that I found to be little lack-luster. Mainly I’m referring to a label with a mermaid on it, which I also have. It’s hanging in my room and I got it off a sardine can from the Goya section at Stop and Shop….just saying.

Anyway, after that we ventured blindly and unknowingly on to the world of Rosmarie Trockel – a German artist who works in all mediums.

“Rosemarie Trockel: A Cosmos” presents an imaginary universe in which Trockel’s own artwork from the past thirty years is juxtaposed with objects and artifacts from different eras and cultures that map many of her artistic interests.- New Museum

First we looked at some of her sketches. My favorite was the blank piece of lined paper. Another favorite from that floor was an infomercial for a “skirt blanket.” Let me summarize: Girl walks into room wearing hideous skirt, girl takes off hideous skirt and drapes it over her legs like a blanket. FIN.

Another film showing was some sort of hybrid silent film/situational comedy/claymation porno starring cockroaches.

This film shows a moth eating fabric.

On the next floor we saw some framed knit blankets. These pieces were on display along side some of the works of Judith Scott. Judith Scott was deaf, mute and had Down Syndrome and her art consists of sculptures that she created by wrapping objects in yarn until they resemble a weird cocoon. These pieces were donated by the Louis-Dreyfus family. Elaine? This may have been the most normal floor, but I was a little creeped out by what mysterious objects could have been hiding behind all that yarn and tape ripped out of a cassette.

At this point I was thinking, “Okay this isn’t really my thing, but whatever.” Then we reached the final floor and I thought, “Rosemarie you sly fox. You’re playing a prank on us all.”

Lobstah

On this floor, we saw some cool antique zoology and botany posters as well as the exoskeleton of a massive lobster, which The New York Times called “one of the more engaging objects on view” – to which I say, you might want to check out the Museum of Natural History if that was your favorite piece. And also, thank you for furthering my point that the most enjoyable pieces were not actually Trockel’s artwork.

I don’t mean to alarm you, baby, but that thing is breathing and I might vomit on you.

I can only describe this room as a nightmare. There was a baby doll in a crib with a fly on its face who was being watched by a babysitter who was preoccupied looking at nude photos. In the crib, the baby had a furry mound that was mechanically “breathing.” The mound’s brother was mounted on the wall. We also saw a red-headed mannequin bust  facing the wall that I was afraid to get too close to because it looked like it might come alive and murder me. Then there was a white tiled room with an upside-down hanging palm tree and some fake birds – but the solitary drawing that was mounted on the wall will haunt me for years to come. It involved a woman and a tarantula and I don’t want to talk about it.

Then we finally made it to a mini-exhibit on the ground floor entitled “HARD” by Judith Bernstein. Here we enjoyed crude paintings of penises “inspired by the graffiti of men’s public bathrooms,” including one painting of the British flag called “Union Jack-off.”

Pretty….

We capped off our trip with some Nacho Libre-style corn at Cafe Habana where Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis ate in “Friends with Benefits.”