Wise words for kids

This is Pone

I’ve been feeling inspired to write a children’s book. My first idea was something along the lines of “Goodnight, #pone” inspired, of course, by my whimsical pal, Pone. Then on Thanksgiving I thought maybe a good book would be “See dad, see mom, see dad become mom” inspired by someone my dad works with. I’m not the only one with really great book ideas, though. Here are some educational gifts for the chillun in your life:

For the problem child:

K is for Knifeball: the Alphabet of Terrible Advice

Only give this to your child if he/she has a surprisingly ironic sense of humor. Advice such as “D is for drifter who’s out on your lawn, invite him inside when your parents are gone,” is not meant to be taken literally.

For the kid on Ritalin:

Go the F**k to Sleep

Sometimes your little ones just need some tough love and the soothing voice of Samuel L. Jackson on a book-to-tape to lull them to sleep.

For the product of an unfortunate situation:

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Well this is sad.

For the existentialist child:

Would You Eat Your Cat?

I saw this at a book store and thought it would be a great tool to test a kid’s morals with philosophical questions that might make him cry. Would you eat your cat, kid? Would you?

For the kid who loves his/her cat too much to eat it:

I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

Enter the complex and poetic minds of kitty cats. Perfect for animal lovers and that girl who made the “Kittens inspired by kittens” video.

For the tween girl discovering her womanhood:

Feminist Ryan Gosling

Let someone better looking than her parents teach her what it means to be a woman.

For the Complainer:

All My Friends Are Dead

Show this little brat just how good he/she has it with this book of ways dinosaurs, cassette tapes and others have it worse. All the dinosaur’s friends are dead; all the old man’s friends are dead; all the tree’s friends are end tables – so stop crying, your life is fine.

You’re welcome for helping you finish all your holiday shopping and for making the kids in your life better people.

Happy birthday to one of my favorite Ryans!

I mean yeah my mom and my sister’s birthdays are both this week, but they’re not that high up on my Ryan list. Number 1 is me, of course, and it’s a tie for second between Lochte and Gosling. But in honor of today being his 32nd birthday, I’ll give it to the one and only Noah Calhoun.

Are you really telling me I’m on the same level as Lochte. Come on, girl.

 

‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’-ed it

As my weak attempt at word play implies, I finally saw Crazy, Stupid, Love. I had been wanting to see it for a long time, but I’m too lazy to go to Red Box and too dumb to figure out how to buy movies on TV. Luckily I got it for my birthday this week, and equally as luckily, I have no life so I had time to watch it by myself last night. Evening well spent.

Unlikely besties

First and foremost, my boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, stars in it and he was getting kind of mad that I hadn’t seen it yet. I didn’t tell him this, but his character doesn’t really make sense. I don’t know if he’s supposed to be Jewish or a New Yorker or what, but he talks weird. Also, they never say what he does for a living besides buy things on the Home Shopping Network, yet he’s super rich and well-groomed at all times. His other past times include womanizing, eating Sbarros pizza and hanging out with sad middle-aged men. But he’s really just lonely and ridiculously pretty because his mom is a bitch.

Also, it’s very unrealistic that he would ever go for cartoon-face Emma Stone. Good for her, though, at least she got to make out with a hot actor before settling down with Toby Maguire’s understudy. Even more unrealistic is the fact that, at first, Emma actually entertains the idea of staying with her boyfriend, Josh Groban, over Ryan Gosling. In what world, woman?

So it’s another one of those six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon movies where everyone ends up connected in some way at the end. And appropriately enough, Kevin Bacon is actually in the movie. He gets hilariously beat up by three men at the same time. Steve Carell is at the center of the narrative and he’s great as usual.

Every movie should have a “let’s beat up Kevin Bacon” scene.

The movie shows us the universal struggles of love through multi-generational characters – very cute. The 13-year-old son loves the babysitter, the babysitter (who was on America’s Next Top Model) loves the dad, the dad loves the mom, the mom loves Kevin Bacon, the dad screws over Marisa Tomei, Emma Stone finally dumps Josh Groban for Ry Guy, the sassy Asian friend ends up alone and so on and so on…. Hope I didn’t give it all away (I didn’t).

If you haven’t seen it and you’re in the mood for a feel-good movie that makes you laugh and cry, this is a good bet. Except you probably won’t cry because it’s not really that sad, I’m just a loser.

Ryan Gosling is even more everywhere right now

This summer Ryan Gosling and I made a special connection, so I’m really happy about this backlash that People Magazine in facing for choosing Bradley Cooper as sexiest man alive.

The public has spoken, and the public is mad, and it’s starting a movement, and it’s not about the 1% or the 2% milk. It’s about RyGuy and why he was robbed of the prestigious title. I was going to call it the “Occupy me, Ryan” protests, but CNN more tastefully named it “Occupy Sexy,” so I’ll just go with that.

Anyway, as much as I love me some Ryan, I don’t know if I would call him the sexiest man alive. But he definitely beats Bradley and also he is just so in right now. If getting pregnant would get me famous, getting pregnant by Ryan Gosling would get me a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this year. (“Occupy me, Ryan Gosling’s love child”?….too much?).

Watch these guys go:

Additional link: 63 Reasons Why Bradley Cooper Definitely Isn’t The Sexiest Man Alive

Get involved; make a vast difference in the world: The Pro-Gosling People Magazine Movement Facebook Page

Ryan Gosling is everywhere right now

Lately there’s this guy that’s just been following me around. His name’s Ryan Gosling and I would like to have a love affair with him.

As further proof that New York is the best city in the country, as soon as Ry Ry moved there he exploded. Sure girls have loved him since the Notebook (or since “Young Hercules” if you’re truly fated to be with him like I am), but in the past month or so he has really made a comeback.

My personal fascination with Ryan began last month when my cousin told me that they go to the same gym in the city and that she has seen him and touched his medicine ball. Now, if it were me and I had touched his medicine ball, I would see that as grounds for it not being creepy to ask him out on a date. But whatever, she didn’t so I’m working on getting her to set me up. Then he became a YouTube star for breaking up a fight in the middle of the street and my aforementioned cousin’s friend saw it in person! So now I’m thinking it just has to be destiny – I have so many indirect personal connections to him! And THEN I stumbled into a 7-11 after a long night on the town in Hyannis, Cape Cod and who do I find looking at me? Not one, but two Ryan Goslings on the cover of Esquire. Oh, and also his first name is the same as my last name – crazy right?

It’s going to happen, people. I’ve been in a magical phase lately where whenever I want to meet a celebrity, I do. So get ready to meet the woman of your dreams, RyGuy cause I’m coming for you!

It’s just too bad I really have no desire to see any of his upcoming movies. I have been meaning to see Crazy, Stupid, Love though.