Gaga frolics with Housewives at Hearst Castle

I know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).

Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.

B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.

Kim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.

Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.

I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.

And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.

Other thoughts:

The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.

Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird

Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).

Also, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.

The one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

 

Reminiscing on RHOC

I’ve been neglecting the Marg because I’ve been lazy. But for a great start to the weekend, I’d like to share this hilarious and terrifying clip from this week’s RHOC. It’s basically porn, but if Andy Cohen airs it on Bravo, I guess I can post it here.

The Milania Show

Everyone knows Real Housewives of New Jersey came back last night, and picked up right where it left off. My brother, my sister, you’re dead to me, you’re garbage, I’m not a stripper…etc. etc. If they don’t start talking about something other than the Giudice/Gorga feud soon – well I will probably just keep watching it…but I’ll be less into it.

Anyway, I give round 1 of this season to the Giudices because anything and everything that was hilarious in last night’s episode came from one of their mouths. First off, Gia is unfortunately looking more and more like her father, and apparently Teresa takes all her life advice from her. I mean it’s totally possible that an eleven-year-old is smarter than Teresa, but probably not her own spawn.

Mom, let me do this. I’m really good with words. Remember that song I wrote for Milania?

I was too tired to stay up for the whole episode, so I missed the Milania/Antonia play date. I’m sure I missed a lot of good one-liners because Milania has a magical way with words. How can we forget “Gimme pizza, you old troll,” and “you’re not a cooker, you’re a hooker.”

Last night her best one-liners were actually cute like her running around in heels screaming “you’re not giving these babies away. They’re the prettiest things evaaaaa.”

It’s pretty clear where the girls inherited their talent for the spoken word. Teresa is a published author and knows big words like “ingredientses,” and Joe can be really poetic too. Like when he quotes “that song. We’re all dust in the air.”

Sidenote: how do they all look THE SAME?

Teresa, Milania, Too far?

Life in the 305

I’m gone from the beautiful sunshine of Miami and back into the less-beautiful sunshine of the Northeast. But I’m happy to report that the #PonesMIA (trending domestically) trip was a success and even included an F-list celebrity encounter of the Bravo kind.

I was hoping to rekindle my friendship with Pitbull and/or meet a Real Housewife of Miami, but I got the next best thing – a real (ex)househusband of Miami. My ladies and I decided to go to the “very exclusive, getting in is half the battle” Mynt Lounge where Joanna had her famous meltdown on the Real Housewives.

Ally and Romain

This is where my lady’s wildest dreams came true and she met the owner of Mynt and Joanna’s former fiance Romain – who is super hot for 40, and I know he’s 40 because he kept screaming it.

That’s Romain – but he’s 40.

It really wasn’t that hard to get in to Mynt, but the key is you have to have a table or be a girl and mooch off the DJ and his friends. Also, Bravo did a great job with the camera angles because the club is way smaller than I expected, and it’s completely carpeted and smells kind of like feet. But it was fab anyway.

Other observations: SLS makes you feel like Alice in Wonderland in a good way, Story is very air-conditioned and huge and I don’t remember much else, and Wet Willies is apparently not for white people. Also, the men are not ashamed of an occasional thing bathing suit.

Photos (credit given where credit is due, mi pones):

Big Pink

Mynt

Miami sunrise

Photo Cred: Ally

Photo Cred: Alyssa

Photo Cred: Alicia

Photo Cred: Alicia

Photo Cred: Erin

Calvin Harris, Photo Cred: Erin

Calvin Harris, Photo Cred: Erin

Mission: Infiltrate Bravo TV

I’ve met Ramona from NYC, and had her retweet me…

I almost met Andy Cohen on Thursday in Union Square. I checked Twitter and saw that he’d be in Union Square at 7:00 and I was like “Omg Andy Bravo, I will ALSO be there at 7:00,” but the line to meet him was way too long and I was getting hungry so I passed. BUT I was in the same building at the same time and heard his voice through the loud speaker…

See more photos at Greenwichtime.com

Then I sent a photographer to cover an event Yolanda from Beverly Hills was at and SHE tweeted at me too (2 housewives down).

No there’s no typo….

My point is: I’m taking over Bravo.

RAMONA

You don’t want my pinot grigio?!

Last night all my housewife dreams came true and Ramona Singer hosted a free wine tasting down the street from my office. Obviously I recruited the only other two ladies in my office and we sped over to try her famous pinot grigio and surprisingly refreshing new red wine. Now I know how she chugs it all day long – it goes down like water. Anyway, I mostly just wanted to hear speak in person. I was somewhat disappointed by how pleasant she was (and very tiny in person) – I was hoping for some Ramona moments, but she is all business after all. Luckily she brought her crazy eyes with her, though.

Check out some photos of my new BFF Ramona and me:

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See more pictures HERE

Unrelated: In sad fat people news, RIP Twinkies

Bravo in my hood

A while back I wrote a post about a release that had come out saying a well-known Greenwich, CT “socialite” was going to make an appearance on a Bravo reality show. Well, last night was the big night that Tina Pray made her debut on Bravo’s “Miss Advised.”

Tina vs. Amy

The show comes on right after RHONYC, so naturally, I’ve gotten kind of hooked. It follows three loons as they have really awkward encounters with men.

In this episode, Amy, a matchmaker in NYC, goes to a friend’s party in Greenwich where she gets into a heated argument with Miss Tina Pray over the term “masculine energy” and a drink being spilled on an Armani sweater. Both women are extremely stuck up and annoying – Amy is the most uptight person I have ever seen on TV, and plus she “tuks like thess…” – but I have a prejudice against Tina due in part to comments left on my previous post:

“Tina Pray has a reputation for getting drunk and keying cars when she has had a few..her house was recently listed for sale, ostensibly because she is in debt to her jeweler, saks fifth avenue and multiple plastic surgeons who could do little for her. She looks like a car dealer’s daughter, what with those broad shoulders and thick waistline. Wealthy? Hardly.Pathetic? Definitely!” – Concerned in Greenwich

Those are fighting words. Could “Concerned in Greenwich” be Amy? Is that you, Amy? Are you reading this? I could use some love advice; should I or should I not hire a stylist to pick out the jeans and t-shirt I’m going to wear to a diner so I can get dumped? (Harsh…sorry).

Sorry I’m not sorry that Tina Pray has a thick waistline.

Needless to say Tina Pray’s 15 minutes were less than thrilling, and she does look like a man. She should just own it.

The other two women on the show are also pretty annoying. Julia is a dating columnist who used to date John McCain’s son, but now she just screams and wears tiaras. I want to like Julia, and I kind of do because she’s quirky and free-spirited and naive. But I know if I ever had to spend a prolonged period of time with her face-to-face I would be so tempted to gag her with her string of pearls. Stop screaming “PROM!” She also causes me way too much second-hand embarrassment. Stop begging guys to kiss you, and don’t drop to the floor and hyperventilate because a guy you went to “prom” with once shows up at your boring dinner party after you, again, begged him to come.

Then there’s Emily the radio sex show host. She has a weird lifestyle, but she says she’s okay with it, and she seems relatively sane. I just don’t really see why she’s even on the show. When all three women were guests on “Watch What Happens Live,” last night, at least Amy and Princess Julia admitted that they saw their flaws and have changed, but Emily thinks she’s great the way she is. Props to her, but that makes for pretty boring TV. Also, she needs to eat a sandwich.

‘Most Talkative’

I read Andy Cohen’s Most Talkative for two reasons: because I love Bravo and Andy, and because I basically want to be him, so I thought this book might offer some insight.

Andy loves his book

I would definitley recommend it to any Bravo fans. It’s a super easy read, and it’s very funny. I was hysterical at his letters home from camp: “Dear Mom, I think I am having the worst time ever. Love, Andy.”

However, as far as any industry secrets and tips on how to make it, here’s what it taught me: your dream job will come to you like magic. Um, false. So he never actually says that, and I’m not saying he didn’t work his ass off to get where he is, but it seems like everything he wanted career-wise just happened. He wrote a letter to Susan Lucci’s publisher in college and got an interview with her, then he got a CBS internship in NYC, which turned into a job and so on and so on. He practically had to wear his graduation gown to cover the Tony Awards that’s how fast he got all these jobs. And it’s not only him; his friends had magical luck too. His best friend landed a job representing Tyra Banks in her early years and then went off to work at VH1 – all right after college. Andy, I want a follow-up book that tells us who and what all your secret connections were!

I forgot to mention there are pictures in the book too…

Well anyway, besides the fact that it made me jealous, I really enjoyed reading the book. My favorite parts were the ones that involved Andy’s mom, who is the best mom in the world. I also love that he called his housekeeper Blouse. And the behind-the-scenes chapters about the Housewives are also very interesting. All in all, take this book on vacation or something. It’ll make you laugh.

Oh, p.s. not to be obnoxious, but I found a couple typos. Woops, just saying.

Wait, where’s Jill?

Real Housewives of New York debuted its new wives last night and I’d like to start off by saying that RHONY is quickly establishing itself as the uggo of the franchise. I know that’s super mean, but come on, these new ladies are kind of beat compared to the glamorous wrecks of Beverly Hills for example.

RAMONA!

Anyway, I’m not going to waste time talking about the veteran housewives because they’re pretty much the same. Ramona is still a complete lunatic, LuAnne is still a raging bitch, and Sonja still may or may not always be high on prescription drugs. This episode set up Ramona to be the villain of the season, which is too bad because I don’t think Ramona is mean – just out of her mind. And LuAnn should probably stop worrying so much about Ramona and think about how her daughter put on an Apocalypse-themed art show on a sunny day in the Hamptons.

I didn’t catch the episode in its entirety, but here’s what I did gather about the new wives:

Aviva seems to be pretty normal and down to earth – well normal aside from the fact that she has a fake leg that she gets pedicured. It’s interesting to see though – not something you usually see on TV. And I couldn’t tell she had one until she whipped out the third leg at the nail salon. The other weird thing with Aviva is that both LuAnn and Sonja may or may not have dated her ex-husband, and they are both so nonchalant about it. In what world is that not awkward? Also, she has a really weird face but then sometimes she looks like Claudia Schiffer so it’s confusing. I think I might like this Aviva.

Heather, on the other hand I do not like. She thinks she’s high and mighty because she designs shapewear. Everyone and their mother on Bravo designs shapewear. Also, she got so offended because Mario basically told her to shut up, but she really was interrupting him. She has an attitude and I don’t care for her. Then end. Oh, and her opening quote includes “Holla.”

Then there’s little tiny Carole. I missed a chunk of the show, so I may have missed her part but from what I did see she seems soft-spoken and pretty harmless. She’s a princess and a journalist, so I think I like her. She also has a weird face, though. What’s with that?

Side note: Ramona’s Hamptons house could eat all of the RHONJ shore houses.

** More ‘Housewives’ News

- unrelated photo -

I thought about it and I would like to retract my last post about Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Kyle Richards. I changed my mind and decided that her sitcom idea could be genius. Yes, it’s a little narcissistic of her to think that people care about her enough to watch her real life played out on TV and then flip the channel to watch her fake life played out on TV. But then again, people (like me) probably will.

If done correctly, a parody of the Real Housewives phenomenon could be a gold mine; no one has done it yet. At first I was just caught up in the fact that she just wanted to make the Kyle Richards show. But if she focuses on making fun of herself and the show, it could be really funny. And if they cast people to play the other housewives, it will probably cause drama on RHOBV.

Kyle, I’m sorry I didn’t see your vision the first time.