New and revolutionary tips for looking #skinny

We all struggle with unflattering photos that make us look super chub. Until now I thought it was a hopeless cause – we’re all doomed to suffer from photographic arm fat, right? Wrong. The geniuses at Who What Wear have provided us with AMAZING tips for looking thin in photos (thanks to Lady A for alerting me to this). Since they already used the most visually-effective display on their slideshow….

Untitled-1I will use photos of Beyonce to illustrate some of their finer points. Whoever said these photos are “unflattering,” must not have known about the rules because Bey followed them to a T:

Put Your Hand on Your Hip

AMFOOT-NFL-SUPERBOWL-HALTIMEDon’t Tightly Press Your Arms to Your Body

armstobodyKeep Your Chin Up and Out

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Pull Your Shoulders Back

shouldersbackExperiment With Selfies to Find Your Best Angle

bestangleAdd a Filter

Screen shot 2014-04-10 at 1.26.58 PMSlightly Twist Your Body to the Side

???????????????????????????Avoid Bulky Clothing

bey-9Wear Dark Clothing

nobulkI just feel like….was this slideshow an April Fool’s Day joke? Who What Wear was created by former ELLE Magazine editors. I hope an intern did this.

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Beyonce gets MORE annoying

Right on the heels of my frustration with the Queen Bey shutting down Charlotte, I hear a song of hers I hadn’t heard yet. And it opens with this:

I know when you were little girls
You dreamt of being in my world
Don’t forget it, don’t forget it
Respect that, bow down bitches

Excuse me, I will not. Throwing it in my face that I loved Destiny’s Child? Rude.

Also, she apparently released a 1 second sneak peak of a new video for this song, and she’s wearing a grill. I am so over this.

A letter to Charlotte, Beyonce and US Airways

Dear the 3 of you,

I’d like to share a story:

I had a lovely week of seclusion on an island where the median age is 70, the speed limit everywhere is 25 mph and everything shuts down at 10:00 p.m. So I was very well-rested and refreshed by the time Saturday rolled around and it was time to come home to reality. That did not last.

We had an hour layover in Charlotte before heading to La Guardia on a 10:00 p.m. flight, so I bought some string cheese and sat down at the gate. 10:00 came and went and we were all still sitting there. Luckily I was sitting across from a Taylor Lautner look-alike so I occupied myself Googling him to find out where in the world he was. Turns out he was in NYC (go figure), so it couldn’t have been him. But I still think it was – he had a Louis Vuitton bag; no normal guy would carry a Louis Vuitton backpack, have long hair, and wear brass knuckles unless they were a werewolf, obviously.

Taylor was sad about teh flight too.

Taylor was sad about the flight too.

Anyway, at 11:00 they finally told us we could not fly to La Guardia because of a curfew….It’s 10pm do you know where your plane is? Not at La Guardia. So they said we could fly to Newark. I mean, gross… New Jersey, but fine whatever. When people started complaining that we had been sitting on the plane without moving for 20 minutes, a flight attendant came over and told us in his North Carolina twang that the flight was late because the flight attendants had been arguing for an hour with the pilot over a urine stench coming from the bathroom. The pilot said he didn’t care – use the pee plane. So now, the pilot was unfit to drive the plane….because he had exceeded his maximum hours of flight for the day…

560.DenzelWashington.jc.11112

They never found a new pilot, so they canceled the flight at midnight and told us we could stay in lovely Charlotte for the night and fly out in the morning. What they meant by that was they would give us a voucher for a discounted hotel room that didn’t exist because all the hotels were booked. Beyonce was in town. But, we were welcome to spend the night in baggage claim….As if I wasn’t already so OVER Beyonce.

I was fuming and having visions of sleeping on the conveyer belt on top of strangers’ duffel bags, so I called every hotel in the area until I found one 20 minutes away that had open rooms.

Now what?

Now what?

Me?

Me?

One $30 cab ride later we were at the Marriott in the heart of Charlotte across from a Hooters. And by “we” I mean myself, my parents and my 18-year-old sister. Of course my mom was ravenous and said we had to drop our bags off upstairs and then head to Hooters. In the elevator we ran into some ladies from our flight and told them how the only reason there weren’t any closer hotels available was because of Beyonce. That actually cheered them up. “Beyonce’s my gurrrl!!!”

Beyonce-s-Publicist-Tries-to-Ban-Unflattering-Super-Bowl-2013-Photos

Hooters was closed, we were told by a man who stumbled out the door and mumbled something about a “curfew.” What is with curfews? It’s 1:00 a.m. do you know where you’re going to eat? Not Hooters.

Screen shot 2013-07-31 at 12.59.33 PM

So we walked over to “The Epicentre.” This is a three story ring of bars, clubs, late-night food, CVS and CBS studios where the people of Charlotte get WILD. I don’t know if everyone was just high off Beyonce’s energy, but the crowd was rowdy. And I’ve never seen so much side boob, under boob, top boob, side ass, under ass etc. in my life. It’s also a mecca for bachelorette parties.

The Epicentre

The Epicentre

"So good you'll forget your manners."

“So good, you’ll forget your manners.”

I can definitley see how this place could be a good time, but I was too tired and sober to handle it. I was also too tired and sober to handle seeing my dad, the only middle-aged white person in basically the whole city, waiting in line for pizza at 1:30 a.m. with all the drunk people. One girl ran up to him and asked him “Do you think they have any meat lovers’ pizza?” They did; it was on the menu. Of course in the meantime, my mom befriended a schmoozy speed boat salesman that kept dropping names and F-bombs. She thought he was cute – for me. Thanks, mom.

This is also where all the Pokemon have gone

This is also where all the Pokemon have gone

Anyway, after hitting the town, we slept for 3 hours and eventually made it to the beautiful Garden State. Thanks for a great night.

XOXO

Early millennium chic jams are back

47628790001_1878258537001_DestinysChild-Bootylicious-1447980

We all feel bad for Michelle, right?

So everyone has heard the big announcements from Justin Timberlake and Destiny’s Child. In case you live under a stupid rock, the news is that Justin Timberlake is releasing a new album, and in an aggressive move, Destiny’s Child also announced a new album – which kind of trumps his because they’ve been broken up for so long. Also, Justin’s new song features Beyonce‘s hub Jay-Z – it’s just one big web of early-millennium sensations.

I was disappointed, though, when I realized Destiny’s Child’s CD is just a greatest hits – or love songs – compilation or something dumb. They are including one new song called “Nuclear.” This round goes to JT for releasing all new songs and not being lazy.

justin-timberlake-1998-1

I recall being called crazy when I was the only girl in middle school who did not have a crush on this….

I listened to both new songs and I’m a little confused by how much I don’t enjoy them. They are both kind of smooth-jazz funk – and boring. What a buzz kill. I WAS excited for the renaissance of 1998.

Listen to Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie” HERE

Listen to Destiny’s Child’s “Nuclear” HERE

Xtina playing dirrty?

Stills: Christina Aguilera, “Your Body;” Beyonce, “Party”

I don’t really know how I got sucked into watching Christina Aguilera’s video for “Your Body,” but I did. I understand that it must be hard to reshape your image – being a genie in a bottle isn’t going to cut it anymore – but is imitation really the highest form of flattery, or is it just imitation?

It immediately reminded me of Beyonce’s “Party” video with its trailer trash motif, and it’s also reminiscent of Lady Gaga’s “Eh, Eh” video with its vintage pink haze and array of wigs.

And speaking of Beyonce and Lady Gaga, the whole plot of the video is killing men – sounds like “Telephone.” Basically the whole thing is bits and pieces of been-there-done-that. Christina, remind people that you can out-sing everyone on the radio right now, and stop trying to out-sex Beyonce and out-weird Lady Gaga. You won’t win at that.

*Side note: I apologize to Christina for suggesting that she wasn’t actually supposed to be in the new Pitbull song, “Feel This Moment,” (JK I don’t apologize, that was funny). But she is in it and it’s GOOD…mostly only because I lurve A-Ha.

Things that happened and things that will happen

I’ve been neglecting poor Mid-day Marg these days because with my upcoming move to NYC and weddings for days, I’ve been too busy nursing my stress-induced migraines and pimples (TMI?) and making daily trips to TJ Maxx to buy and then return home goods and shoes.

This is going to be me typing away the rambling thoughts that Vogue publishes and that pay for my spacious NYC apartment with a walk-in closet. Oh, wait – no it won’t be because Carrie Bradshaw is a liar.

But I decided to take a small break from having a heart attack to acknowledge some important things happening:

First, Tuesday was Beyonce’s birthday. I didn’t realize this (which is weird since we are best friends) until Tuesday morning when I was pleasantly surprised by a commercial-free Beyonce marathon on Power 105. This is a strange coincidence since a spent a good chunk of Labor Day watching Beyonce videos like this one:


In other news, things are happening in politics…but more importantly, it’s National Waffle Week. Here’s a photo that shows my support for both:

Presidents are just like us!

Lastly, Fashion Week starts today, and apparently Ryan Lochte is the newest up and coming fashion reporter (?). The rumor is that he will be covering Fashion Week for E! News, which makes little to no sense even though he fancies himself a fashion designer because he can barely speak and he wears these:

But due to my illogical love for him, I will watch it. He is also making an appearance on 30 Rock. I may need to retract that previous thought because the more famous he gets, the more my love turns to jealousy.

Just wanted to add this picture.

It’s your girl, B

I know I’m late, but I thought I should congratulate Beyonce on being named Poeple’s Most Beautiful Woman (you know, since we’re friends). I’d say it’s a good call on People’s part with all the hype about how she may or may not have given birth to a devil child (relax people). Anyway, I’ve been giving a lot of love to her hubby for his song lyrics, but Beyonce’s not just a hot piece of ass – she has some gems in her repertoire as well. Have we forgotten this Destiny’s Child song?

Nasty Girl:

Nasty put some clothes on, I told ya
Don’t walk out your house without no clothes on, I told ya
Girl what ya thinkin’ bout lookin’ that to’ down, I told ya
These men don’t want no hot female that’s been around the block female, you nasty girl

Shakin’ that thang on that man, lookin’ all stank and nasty
Swore you look cute girl in them dukes, booty all out lookin’ trashy
Sleazy put some clothes on, I told ya
Don’t walk out ya heezy without clothes on, I told ya
You nasty girl, you nasty you trashy
You classless girl, you sleazy you freaky
I ain’t never met a girl that does the things that you do
Change don’t come your way it will come back to you
Put some clothes on girl

I get what you’re saying about not leaving the heezy without clothes on, and I have nothing but love for my girl – but you did kind of invent the no pants thing….

Pants or no pants, here’s to Beyonce’s humble beginnings:

And her current fabulousness: