Gaga frolics with Housewives at Hearst Castle

gagaguybirdI know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).

Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.

Hearst_Castle_Neptune_Pool_September_2012_003
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B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.

lady-gaga-rhobh-guy-videoKim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.

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Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.

I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.

And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.

lady-gaga-video-01Other thoughts:

The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.

Kanye's bird vs. Gaga's bird

Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird

Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).

screen-shot-2014-03-24-at-10-11-33-amAlso, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.

ttlBabySunRisingThe one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

 

I’m basically part of the SNL cast

This guy

This guy

So remember how a week and a half ago I Googled and posted a photo about this Colin Jost guy (and haven’t posted anything since)? Well I met him this weekend. Weird. If this is going to be new thing that happend I need to start posting way more about Leo.

Anyway, in a magical turn of events I ended up alone and surrounded by the entire cast of SNL celebrating Seth Meyers’ last show (sans Keenan and Drunk Uncle unfortunately) but plus Melissa McCarthy and Seth Meyer’s brother who reminded me I knew him from this:

Remember Randy?

Remember Randy?

I didn’t take any photos, so I could be making the whole thing up – but I’m not. Also, Melissa McCarthy thinks I’m funny. I made her laugh by saying something about Beyonce and surfboards (?) – maybe she was just being polite, but probably not because my jokes are usually hilarious. I just wish I could have sat her down to discuss Gilmore Girls.

fdb36e6cece32ceb79ea19f3cd441d30.584x329x24Other highlights: Seth Meyers.

Adorbs

Adorbs

My biggest takeaway though is that these people are animals. I left at 7:00am completely distraught that I was not in my bed before the sun came up, and they were all still going – and some of them are like kind of old. Impressed.

In other celebrity news, on Friday I called out Adam Levine for his sunless tanner by telling him he was “really tan for wintertime.” So smooth.

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More Drunk Uncles, Please

SNLs-Drunk-UncleIt was a tragedy for SNL when Kristen Wiig left, and now Seth Meyers and his cute puppy eyes are leaving. But it was announced today that SNL’s head writer will replace Seth. His name is Colin Jost and he is/was dating Rashida Jones – I didn’t really look into it beyond this one photo.

Colin and Rashida 4eva?

Colin + Rashida 4evr?

I’m excited just because he is responsible for probably the most hilarious skit on the show since Stefon left. Drunk Uncle.

I expect to see more. I need something to watch when I’m bored now that Mindy’s on hiatus.

Golden Globes: I only care about the dresses

The Golden Globes were somewhat entertaining last night. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler made fun of George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton sang a creepy song for Woody Allen, Bono snubbed P. Diddy, and “Gravity” is apparently a good movie? Still not seeing it.

Diane in a pant suit? Shocker

Diane in a pant suit? Shocker

Anyway, the dresses:

– Some girl named Lupita from “12 Years a Slave” was all the rage in her cape dress. Yes, it’s a good dress – but Gwyneth kind of already did that.

rs_634x1024-140112152343-634.lupita-nyongo-gwyneth-paltrow-cape-dress-011214– Olivia Wilde showed us the right way to be pregnant

olivia– Drew Barrymore showed us how to look like a puffy Valentine’s Day card. She also announced that she has spent the last 20 years taking pictures of “heart shapes” in different things and publishing them in a book….

drew-barrymore– Emma Watson looked perfect, and I’m loving her black-tie reinterpretation of the skort.

emmawatson– Zoe Saldana wore this hideous thing, and basically told E! that she only wore it because her friend made it for her

zoey– This happened, woops:

Emma Roberts, Sofia Vergara

Emma Roberts, Sofia Vergara

I love both dresses, but the chunky blue throws me off…why is it a thing?

My girlfriend looked good – and she’s Australian, who knew?

Margot Robbie

Margot Robbie

– I know she’s America’s sweetheart and all that right now, but I’m sorry – Jennifer Lawrence looked disgusting. I give her worst-dressed because, as the biggest star of the year she should know better. She managed to find the single most unflattering silhouette, and then she paired it with awful lipstick and random green earrings?

jennifer-lawrence-poll.jpg.xxxlarge– Luckily for their movie, Amy Adams channeled the “American Hustle” vibe and looked a hundred times better.

amy-adams– At least Jen redeemed herself by ruining Taylor Swift’s moment

Screen shot 2014-01-13 at 11.05.17 AM

So into JFK right now

Oh, hey there! I didn’t die – SURPRISE!

I realize that may have been insensitive given the topic of this post – but I just meant “long time no see.”

dallas-kennedy-news-11-23-63

Anyway, today is the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. If this is news to you, you are obviously living under a stupid rock because there have been more TV specials about it than I know what to do with. J(f)K, I know what to do with them -TIVO!

I'd vote for Rob Lowe

I’d vote for Rob Lowe

I’ve been staying up late like a weirdo watching documentaries about conspiracy theories and traveling back in time with Rob Lowe and Ginnifer Goodwin. Although, Michelle Trachtenberg definitely steals the show in “Killing Kennedy.” Is she actually fluent in Russian, and did she gain weight for the role or just because she peaked at Harriot the Spy? So many questions.

I know you're still sad Rosie O'Donnell is no longer your nanny

I know you’re still sad Rosie O’Donnell is no longer your nanny

But to lighten the mood, I’d like to commemorate Jack Kennedy with his greatest reincarnation: Clone High (Again, insensitive? Whatever).

Stuff I stole from work:

Front Page headlines

Life in 1963

JFK: A life in pictures

Childhood’s winners and losers

Remember Ruthie from Seventh Heaven? Well apparently following in Topanga and Alyssa Milano’s footsteps, she posed for Maxim. But while Topanga and Alyssa have been rediscovered and given cover shoots because of their new shows, poor Ruthie is just doing it because….IMDB says she hasn’t been in anything since 2011?

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

In any case, despite this photo shoot, Jessica Biel is clearly the life winner of the Seventh Heaven crew, which brings up the question: which stars of childhood are winning in life and who peaked?

Let’s start with the Maxim ladies.

Seventh Heaven

Winner: Jessica Biel

Sweet bangs

Sweet bangs

I don’t really get why, but people still care about Jessica Biel and she is married to Justin Timberlake so she wins by a landslide.

Also Lucy still wears her on-set wardrobe.

This was taken this year...

This was taken this year…

Loser: Reverend Camden

0920_7thheavenThis was a tough one because the entire rest of the cast is tied for loser. But I’m giving it to Reverend Camden because he was apparently in 2 episodes of Devious Maids, and that doesn’t seem like a very Christian show, Rev.

Boy Meets World

Winner: Topanga

topanga-maxim

Loser: Cory

tumblr_llzj4kwA021qii6tmo1_250Because he has gotten none of the sequel glory.

Charmed

Winner: Alyssa Milano

Alyssa-Milano-Maxim-cover-Actress-goes-braless-at-40She has her Maxim cover and she’s married to this guy on Mistresses, my new secret show.

brett_340_453Loser: Shannon Doherty

She’s on an Education Connection commercial….

Gilmore Girls

Winner: Melissa McCarthy

bridesmaids-melissa-mccarthy_610Who knew sweet-tempered Sookie was so hilarious and would become the most famous of the crew?

Loser: Milo Ventimiglia

Why would you ever choose Dean?

Why would you ever choose Dean?

A lot of the cast is doing alright. But remember Jess? I had a crush on him and wanted Rory to choose him over Dean, but she didn’t. And guess what happened to him? His good looks went to waste and at age 36 he has a credit as “frat boy Milo” in Grown Ups 2.

The OC

Winner: Tie, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody

adam-brody-rachel-bilson-the-oc-Favim.com-284627_largeBecause she’s still in things and he was just on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen – and his last name was Cohen on the OC. It’s all destiny.

Loser: Mischa Barton

article-2369784-1AE196DF000005DC-84_634x601Because she turned into a hot mess and the Daily Mail called her a dog walker.

That 70’s Show

Winner: Mila Kunis

I spy a clear winner

I spy a clear winner

Because everyone thought Ashton Kutcher was the winner, but then Mila went lesbo in Black Swan and got famous – causing Ashton to dump Demi and become half of Kelso and Jackie once more.

Loser: Laurie

(Update: So she died. I’m sorry I called you a loser, Laurie. RIP)

6a00d8341c630a53ef0167649a2b19970b-600wiAll That

Winner: Amanda Bynes

No, it's politics. "Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!" - @AmandaBynes

No, it’s politics. “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!” – @AmandaBynes

Sure, Keenan went on to be a star on SNL, which is just All That for adults, and Amanda is having a long-term public melt down…but who is more famous?

Loser: Kel

009Because everyone thought he died. But for the record, “Yogurl” was a way better skit than anything Keenan ever did.

Full House

Winner: John Stamos

john-stamos-yogurt-adYes, I know about the Olsen twins, and Bob Saget is like a household name, and yes Alanis Morissette wrote a song about Uncle Joey. But the Olsen twins do black magic, and Bob Saget is nasty and Uncle Joey was clearly an ass. Uncle Jesse, however, is looking fine in yogurt commercials.

Loser: Andrea Barber

DJ, your best friend...Woof

DJ, your best friend…Woof

To avoid being in bad taste, I did not award this to Jodie Sweetin. Instead this one goes to Andrea Barber because she played Kimmy Gibler…and nothing else.

Fresh Prince

Winner: Will Smith’s children

KarateKid_JadenWillow

You are so lucky The Fresh Prince is your dad.

Loser: Tatyana Ali

You could have made it bigger. “Day Dreaming” was so good.

CT for the win

Confession: I did not watch the Miss USA pageant. But I was happy to hear that my great home state of Connecticut is finally seeing its day in the sun thanks to Erin Brady.

628x471I mean it’s somewhat false advertising because people in CT aren’t generally that tan, but congrats anyway.

Of course the thing everyone is talking about is Miss Utah’s idiotic answer:

Q: “A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?”

A: “I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are … continuing to try to strive to [epic pause] figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create educate better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.”

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

I say give her a break: First of all how should she know? She’s from Utah – the women there don’t work; they’re all sister wives. Second of all, she may have been distracted by the fact that NeNe Leakes was asking her the question. And she still wasn’t as bad as Miss Teen South Carolina in 2007:

miss-south-carolina-2007-teen-pageant

Fact. People don’t have maps.