Breaking Dawn Part Deux

So it’s all over. The Twilight Saga has ended, which hopefully means way less awkward Kristen Stewart interviews on the Today Show.

And hopefully less of her bare ass too.

I don’t have much to say about the movie. It felt a little rushed compared to the others, but that’s somewhat understandable seeing as they based an entire 2-hour movie on the last 50 pages of the book. But they did take a really good approach to presenting the story. I won’t give it away, but if you haven’t read the book in a long time, don’t re-read it before the movie. I had completely forgotten what happened in the book and it made the movie that much better.

Stalking deer – romantic

So basically to sum it all up, there’s some bad acting, some glittering, a sex scene, a CGI baby, a vampire fight, and an anti-climactic ending. I think it’s fine that they decided to go through every actor that has ever been in the movies at the closing credits, but did they really have to do it to a Christina Perri song? Usually the Twilight soundtracks are actually good.

Anyway, what can you say about Twilight? It sucks….and I LOVE it.

Also, while little girls and their moms are weeping that the saga is complete, somewhere in LA Robert Pattinson is giddy that it’s all over:

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2 things I don’t care about and 1 thing I do care about

Something I don’t care about: Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson

Look at those slutty eyes. (Bitch stole my look: Who wore it best).

I was planning on avoiding talking about this, but it’s everywhere so I feel like I can’t escape it. The only opinion I have on this is that Kristen Stewart is an idiot – and not just for the fact that she cheated on my future boyfriend. First of all, she did the cheating with a married man who has children. Second of all, she issued a public apology about it. So, at the beginning of her relationship with Rob she refused to confirm that they were dating because she wanted to keep her personal life personal, but she has no problem talking about how she’s a slutty home-wrecker? If she wants to whore herself out to married movie directors, that’s her problem – I don’t really feel like she owes me an apology for it. But since she gave me one, I’ll just say: You do you, KStew; it’s fine with me. The sooner you and the boyf break up, the sooner I can marry him.

You’re being watched, KStew.

Something I do care about: Honey Boo Boo child gets her own show

If you have never seen the video of Alana, age 6 “beauty quaayn,” you are missing out. This little red-neck pageant troll is one of the most hilarious kids I have ever seen – quality entertainment from her chugging “special juice” to flaunting her belly to the camera. “Look at this big thang.” TLC caught on and decided to exploit this child and her family further by giving them a spin-off show. I’m so down for that.

“My special juice is gonna help me wiiiin.”

The second thing I don’t care about is the Olympics.

Breaking down ‘Breaking Dawn’

- holy slit, KStew (movie premier) -

I went to go see the highly-anticipated Breaking Dawn last Sunday but had no time to write anything about it. So, unfortunately it’s not fresh in my mind anymore and I won’t be able to provide an award-winning movie review, but I’ll tell you what I thought anyway.

Overall, I was entertained and I thought they did a good job of translating the book to the screen. Key points:

Acting: It’s no secret that Kristin and Rob create the most awkward dialogue ever portrayed in a movie – is this how they talk to each other in real life? For some reason, though, I seem to always forget just how embarrassing it is to watch – maybe I block it out like a traumatic event. Given this fact, the first few scenes of the movie are painful. If you haven’t seen it yet, beware of the pre-bachelor party conversation in Bella’s room.

Wedding: I thought they did a good job with the wedding scene – it was sweet but not as sappy as I was afraid it would be. Her dress was kind of cool, but the back didn’t really match the front. The thing I liked most was that they used Iron & Wine’s “Flightless Bird” for the kiss to mirror their prom kiss in the first movie.

Sex scene: After all the commotion, the infamous sex scene was not a scandal at all. Some may have been disappointed by this, but personally I’m glad it was toned-down and tasteful. Given the violent birth scene (which I will get to in a minute), a crazy sex scene would have completely taken the movie out of line with the vibe of the series.

- Wedding (Access Hollywood) -

Birth scene: I know this scene was gruesome in the book, but I could barely watch this part of the movie. There was blood and screams and cracking bones galore. I know they wanted to portray the scene accurately, but I could have done with a little less gore. This is Twilight not Saw.

Transformation: I really liked the way they handled Bella’s transformation from human to vampire with the montage of human-life events and the shots of her getting “prettier.”

- Jacob did this a lot in the movie -

All in all I can’t complain – nobody expect Oscar-worthy performances when it comes to these movies.

Twilight is real: true story

So you probably thought Twilight was a fictional story what with its vampires and werewolves. Well, you’re wrong. There is evidence that Jacob and his wolf pack are real and they are currently wreaking havoc all over Washington state. Read for yourself in this story that Ally found:

“A pack of dogs has killed about 100 animals in the past three months in northeastern Washington state while eluding law enforcement and volunteers.

Officers have tried to track the pack but had little success because the dogs seem to hunker down during the day and move only at night, Stevens County Undersheriff Lavonne Webb said Thursday.

“We’ve only had one or two sightings during daytime hours,” Webb said in a telephone interview from Colville.

In their most recent attack, the dogs killed a 350-pound llama earlier this week. They’ve also killed other farm animals, including goats.

Authorities are warning residents to take whatever steps are necessary to protect their families and animals because the dogs appear to be killing for fun rather than food. No humans have been attacked, but officers fear that could happen.”HuffPost

You know why they can’t find the dogs? Because they turn into Taylor Lautner whenever cops get close.

But why so angry Jake? Is it because you didn’t get that much air time in the Breaking Dawn trailer? Or because Edward and Bella are finally getting married? You already knew that, bud. Maybe it’s because Robert Pattinson kissed you in public and you’re ashamed. Don’t be. That pretty much makes you the luckiest man alive. In any case, I beg of you Jacob, stop killing animals! It’s mean!

In other crazy animal news, elephants are in attack mode in India and there’s a moose on the loose in Sweden breaking into retirement homes. Did I mention the world is ending?

- Elephant kills security guard in Mysore, India (AP) -

What’d I Miss?!

Sunday was my birthday so I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards because I was busy getting presents. But apparently I really missed out. Seems that my main man Robert Pattinson stole the show with some tequila-induced antics including an uncensored f-bomb and a man-on-man kiss (mid-day margarita/s, Rob)?

I can’t believe I missed that beauty getting so much air time! Hopefully I’ll catch a re-run.

– International Business Times (click for more pics) –

Here’s a re-cap written by someone lucky enough to have watched it:

“If you tuned into the MTV Movie Awards Sunday — sorry, I meant the Robert Pattinson show — you know everyone’s favorite teen vampire was on a tequila-fueled roll.

Pattinson locked lips with “Twilight” costar Taylor Lautner and said some generally odd things during his many trips across the stage, including an an uncensored f-bomb while introducing actress Reese Witherspoon.

“I didn’t cut you out, but I did (bleep) you,” he said about their roles in the film “Water for Elephants.”

(Hey, look, MTV — my censorship button is working just fine.)

Pattinson was cut from a scene in a Witherspoon movie years ago.

Wonder what’s going on with good-old Edward? Here’s what he said of his behavior while presenting Witherspoon with an MTV Generation award: “Tequila is like a Lay’s potato chip. It’s impossible to have just one.”

I guess that explains that.

Pattinson’s behavior got stranger as the show progressed. At first it was just an awkward interaction with actress Bryce Dallas Howard while accepting an award for best fight scene in the movie “Eclipse.”

“I ripped your head off,” Pattinson said. “And now you’re pregnant.”

In the audience, his “Twilight” costar Kristin Stewart covered her face in embarrassment.

After Pattinson and Stewart accepted an award for best kiss,” Pattinson declined an on-stage smooch.

“I just think there’s someone else in the audience who will appreciate it a little more,” he said.

Then Pattinson jogged out to the audience and planted a wet one on on-screen nemesis Taylor Lautner.

Let’s not blame Pattinson. Let’s blame MTV for letting him spend so much time on stage.” – Hot Topics

Water for Elephants

Since I am dating Robert Pattinson, I obviously had to go see Water for Elephants on its opening weekend, and it was not disappointing.

I read the book by Sara Gruen 2 or 3 years ago, so I didn’t really remember a lot of the details, but from what I can tell the movie does a good job of staying true to the book. There are a couple changes here and there – for example they leave out the nursing home scenes. But that’s necessary to keep the movie from lasting 4 hours.

The most striking part of the movie is how much you feel for the animals. There are a few really intense scenes of animal cruelty that really get to you. There’s also a lot of violence between the characters – it’s hard to watch but only because the movie does a good job of making you feel for the characters (animals included).

Here’s a plot summary: “When Jacob Jankowski, recently orphaned and suddenly adrift, jumps onto a passing train, he enters a world of freaks, drifters, and misfits, a second-rate circus struggling to survive during the Great Depression, making one-night stands in town after endless town. A veterinary student who almost earned his degree, Jacob is put in charge of caring for the circus menagerie. It is there that he meets Marlena, the beautiful young star of the equestrian act, who is married to August, the charismatic but twisted animal trainer. He also meets Rosie, an elephant who seems untrainable until he discovers a way to reach her. Water for Elephants is illuminated by a wonderful sense of time and place. It tells a story of a love between two people that overcomes incredible odds in a world in which even love is a luxury that few can afford.” – worldmoviesummary.com

- beauty -

Rob does a good job as Jacob, the main character. As much as I love him and his beautiful face, he can be a really awkward actor – and a really awkward Edward. But either he has been practicing, or this character came easily for him because he was really believable as the circus stow-away. And, most importantly, he looked super handsome in his bow ties and suspenders :)

Reese Witherspoon was also good as Marlena, the boss’ wife and the show’s star attraction. And the love story between her and Jacob was believable (obviously it’s not too hard to believe that anyone would fall in love with a mysterious vagabond who looks just like Robert Pattinson). Staying true to the book, the romance element of the movie was not overwhelming – it’s basically just understood that the two of them have a connection.

Now, for the two things that bothered me most about this movie:

Number one – some of the sets and the special effects were terrible! The circus scenes are good, but the characters venture out into town a couple times and into New York City once. The “towns” were the most obvious movie sets I have ever seen – it looked like Sesame Street or something. And when Marelana and Jacob exit a dark ally in New York City, they end up in front of a magical view of the Brooklyn Bridge….The worst part, though, might be the Empire State Building in the clouds behind the circus tents the next day….really?

The special effects are super realistic too….. The lions, tigers and other jungle animals don’t look animated at all…..

But don’t worry, Rosy the elephant and one of the main characters is looking good.

The next thing that was a little bothersome was August’s accent. What is that? August is the ring leader and Marlena’s husband played by Christoph Waltz. I’m not familiar with him, but he does a good job in this movie – his most famous role was in Inglorious Bastard’s. With August, he has to walk the fine line between crazy and cruel, and he does it really well. But anyway, he’s Austrian, but his accent in the movie is just bizarre. It’s part Austrian, part 1930s gangster, part New York Jew. That’s the best way I can describe it. Does he really talk like that?

Anyway, all in all a pretty good movie – I just wouldn’t expect any Oscar nominations for set design.