RAMONA

You don’t want my pinot grigio?!

Last night all my housewife dreams came true and Ramona Singer hosted a free wine tasting down the street from my office. Obviously I recruited the only other two ladies in my office and we sped over to try her famous pinot grigio and surprisingly refreshing new red wine. Now I know how she chugs it all day long – it goes down like water. Anyway, I mostly just wanted to hear speak in person. I was somewhat disappointed by how pleasant she was (and very tiny in person) – I was hoping for some Ramona moments, but she is all business after all. Luckily she brought her crazy eyes with her, though.

Check out some photos of my new BFF Ramona and me:

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See more pictures HERE

Unrelated: In sad fat people news, RIP Twinkies

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Goodbye office :(

Today is a sad day. It’s my last day in my sunny Greenwich office before I move to a dark, cold corner in Stamford. Gone are the days of having an entire wing to myself and a semi-decent commute. I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye to the things that I have come to know, love and loathe about this place:

– My cube, which is now all packed up into a quarter of a large box because all I really have here is oatmeal. I will miss my large window, tall walls and the fact that I had to do acrobatics over the divider in order to adjust the temperature of the room.

My Mandalay Bay cup will definitely be moving with me.

– The greenhouse effect. No matter the season, I could always count on my cube heating up to an uncomfortable 700 degrees between 3 and 4pm. Not everyone can say they wear sunglasses at work.

– My friends next door. The most devastating part of this move is that I will no longer be able to walk right next door and get my morning coffee, snacks, batteries or compliments on my outfits. These people are my buddies – I’ve seen them come and go, and learned to love new employees. My favorite friend is the car wash guy who witnessed me fall twice and won’t let me forget it. See ya never, guys…

– The lovely landscaping. My new office shares a space with shipping and receiving and features a view of picnic tables and a brick wall – nothing compared to the lush foliage surrounding the parking lot here.

Love me my fountain…

Fond memories of the obnoxious construction of this walkway.

Do they even have flowers in Stamford?

– The yoga studio, more specifically, the yoga moms who can’t park their BMW SUVs or use their own parking spaces. I’m sure the yoga ladies will be happy to see us go so they can continue to use up our spaces – usually 2 spots per vehicle because they can’t seem to grasp the concept of driving a car. I’ll miss you guys…but not really; I actually hate you a lot.

RIP office. You certainly were never my favorite destination, but I would choose you over my new dungeon any day.

Pregnant is so in right now

- Just stop -

I realized today what I’ve been doing wrong this whole time: not being with child. Based on a long-standing trend in media – culminating in two key items today – I have come to the conclusion that my not being pregnant has seriously hindered my journey to fame.

If I were pregnant, I would be able to take advantage of Bravo coming to Stamford to cast for “Pregnant in Heels.” “Pregnant in Heels” is an awful show and Rosie Pope sounds half British, half mentally retarded. But still, if I could be on her show, I would be one step closer to being biffs with Andy Cohen and getting my own show.

However, another story that caught my eye today has brought on a concern with this whole pregnancy thing – besides the having a baby part of it. The Duggar baby machine is pregnant with baby number 20. I cannot truly believe that this woman actually wants 20 children – she is a human, and humans are not supposed to have litters. I know she doesn’t believe in birth control, but she is obviously unnaturally fertile so I think by baby number 10, God would have granted her permission to buy condoms. The only logical reason she would keep popping them out is that she is a fame whore and wants not only more seasons of her show, but regular name changes as well.

Not only that, but she is delusional. The 45-year-old said “I’m really in better shape than I’ve been in 20 years.” How could you possibly know that? Your eggo has been preggo for the past 20 years.

So the real dilemma now is how to go about handling this situation. If I don’t bite the bullet and get knocked up, it could be years before I’m famous. But if I do, I might get addicted to baby making.

I think my best bet is to just befriend Kim and Kourtney when they come to take New York. Then I can weasel my way into that family and they can set me up with ass implants and an athlete to divorce.

I DID see someone famous!

I guess meeting celebrities is like finding true love: it happens when you stop looking… okay, just kidding. But it’s kind of true. After many visits to Greenwich Ave. in hopes of a celeb-sighting, I finally met someone – and I wasn’t looking. I was minding my own business being reckless at Tiernan’s, a bar in Stamford, when Katherine Heigl (who is filming The Big Wedding in Greenwich) just came walking through the door and ordered a dirty martini! Well, it turns out I do not get start-struck. I walked right up to her and had a casual conversation. Then I convinced her to take a picture with my ladies and me!

- Hanging with my new friend, Kate Heigl -