Adele has an Oscar

Adele is my age and she has a million Grammys, and an Oscar and a husband and baby….I found a surprise $20 in my wallet this weekend.

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Anyway, the Oscars last night were kind of boring and Seth MacFarlane was really awkward and not funny so I didn’t stay up for the whole thing, and I missed Argo win and Jennifer Lawrence fall.

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What I did see is Kristen Stewart arrive hung over and on crutches with bruises on her arms. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe her presenting was so bad because she’s on pain killers for her mysterious injury, but I know it’s more because she just don’t curr. A shower wouldn’t kill you though, girl.

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Sup, girl?

I also saw Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy accept the award for the worst hair duo ever, Catherine Zeta Jones got wild on stage and Anne Hathaway regrettably won an award for being Mis.

Speaking of Anne Hathaway, let’s talk about her early millennium un-chic dress. It was nasty, and her hair is nasty (Charlize owned her in the man hair department). I just don’t understand why anyone would choose a dress that looks like something your mom made for you to wear to prom in 1997 in the most unflattering color of all time. Also, stop accentuating your sad drooping shoulders.

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Looking at her makes me sad.

On the Jennifers: I just want to mention that people thought Jennifer Aniston’s dress was boring, and they’re right. But I thought it was nice to see her in a ball gown instead of a slinky dress with strappy sandals.

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Jennifer Lawrence won best actress and fell up the stairs on her way to accept. I like her more and more every time. Her dress was okay, but it kind of looked like a couch. her dresses have been pretty boring this award season.

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When is she going to bring this back?

Jennifer-Lawrence-At-The-2011-Oscars-Red-Carpet-450x382Then there were a lot of sparkles, which is always good.

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More recap HERE

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Breaking Dawn Part Deux

So it’s all over. The Twilight Saga has ended, which hopefully means way less awkward Kristen Stewart interviews on the Today Show.

And hopefully less of her bare ass too.

I don’t have much to say about the movie. It felt a little rushed compared to the others, but that’s somewhat understandable seeing as they based an entire 2-hour movie on the last 50 pages of the book. But they did take a really good approach to presenting the story. I won’t give it away, but if you haven’t read the book in a long time, don’t re-read it before the movie. I had completely forgotten what happened in the book and it made the movie that much better.

Stalking deer – romantic

So basically to sum it all up, there’s some bad acting, some glittering, a sex scene, a CGI baby, a vampire fight, and an anti-climactic ending. I think it’s fine that they decided to go through every actor that has ever been in the movies at the closing credits, but did they really have to do it to a Christina Perri song? Usually the Twilight soundtracks are actually good.

Anyway, what can you say about Twilight? It sucks….and I LOVE it.

Also, while little girls and their moms are weeping that the saga is complete, somewhere in LA Robert Pattinson is giddy that it’s all over:

2 things I don’t care about and 1 thing I do care about

Something I don’t care about: Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson

Look at those slutty eyes. (Bitch stole my look: Who wore it best).

I was planning on avoiding talking about this, but it’s everywhere so I feel like I can’t escape it. The only opinion I have on this is that Kristen Stewart is an idiot – and not just for the fact that she cheated on my future boyfriend. First of all, she did the cheating with a married man who has children. Second of all, she issued a public apology about it. So, at the beginning of her relationship with Rob she refused to confirm that they were dating because she wanted to keep her personal life personal, but she has no problem talking about how she’s a slutty home-wrecker? If she wants to whore herself out to married movie directors, that’s her problem – I don’t really feel like she owes me an apology for it. But since she gave me one, I’ll just say: You do you, KStew; it’s fine with me. The sooner you and the boyf break up, the sooner I can marry him.

You’re being watched, KStew.

Something I do care about: Honey Boo Boo child gets her own show

If you have never seen the video of Alana, age 6 “beauty quaayn,” you are missing out. This little red-neck pageant troll is one of the most hilarious kids I have ever seen – quality entertainment from her chugging “special juice” to flaunting her belly to the camera. “Look at this big thang.” TLC caught on and decided to exploit this child and her family further by giving them a spin-off show. I’m so down for that.

“My special juice is gonna help me wiiiin.”

The second thing I don’t care about is the Olympics.

Twilight gets sexy

- Kristen Stewart talks about "love-making" on Jimmy Kimmel -

Whenever there’s talk of the Breaking Dawn movie lately it’s all about the infamous sex scene. I am just as excited for this movie as any other Twilight nerd, and I don’t care who knows it. However, I’m getting bothered by all the weirdos who are obsessed with the “sex thrusting scene” as Jimmy Kimmel put it.

I happen to know for a fact that Stephanie Meyer is a complete loser based on the fact that I read her books. Sure, I may have read them and indulged in the fantasy – but she wrote it, so she loses/wins because she’s a millionaire. Anyway, for three books, we suffered with Bella while she got rejected by her teenage/old man boyfriend. And then all the frustration culminates in a ridiculous sex scene complete with broken beds and a vampire pregnancy.

This is stupid for three reasons:  a) 17-year-old boys don’t turn down sex even if they are vampires, b) broken furniture and bruises does not innocent romance make – you over-indulged, Steph, and c) everyone knows vampires and humans can’t make babies.

- Breaking Dawn still (Summit Entertainment) -

But all of this is fine. My beef is with the fact that all the movie people took this embarrassing grocery store-novel love scene and translated it onto film, giving the movie an R rating. Of course there was probably an uproar from studio executives who were foreseeing losing 97% of ticket-buyers to the “no one under 17 permitted” rule, so the sex scene was toned down and it’s now tween-friendly once more.

So where does one cross the line from R-rated sex to PG-13 sex? According to Kristin Stuart, it’s not in the “thrusting” but in the noise-making: quiet sex is appropriate sex. She also says that the scene is mostly close-ups (all her lip-biting practice will finally come in handy, I guess).

In preparation for all the close, quiet excitement here’s a countdown of the “steamiest” Twilight moments: Ted Casablanca’s The Awful Truth (E!)

What’d I Miss?!

Sunday was my birthday so I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards because I was busy getting presents. But apparently I really missed out. Seems that my main man Robert Pattinson stole the show with some tequila-induced antics including an uncensored f-bomb and a man-on-man kiss (mid-day margarita/s, Rob)?

I can’t believe I missed that beauty getting so much air time! Hopefully I’ll catch a re-run.

– International Business Times (click for more pics) –

Here’s a re-cap written by someone lucky enough to have watched it:

“If you tuned into the MTV Movie Awards Sunday — sorry, I meant the Robert Pattinson show — you know everyone’s favorite teen vampire was on a tequila-fueled roll.

Pattinson locked lips with “Twilight” costar Taylor Lautner and said some generally odd things during his many trips across the stage, including an an uncensored f-bomb while introducing actress Reese Witherspoon.

“I didn’t cut you out, but I did (bleep) you,” he said about their roles in the film “Water for Elephants.”

(Hey, look, MTV — my censorship button is working just fine.)

Pattinson was cut from a scene in a Witherspoon movie years ago.

Wonder what’s going on with good-old Edward? Here’s what he said of his behavior while presenting Witherspoon with an MTV Generation award: “Tequila is like a Lay’s potato chip. It’s impossible to have just one.”

I guess that explains that.

Pattinson’s behavior got stranger as the show progressed. At first it was just an awkward interaction with actress Bryce Dallas Howard while accepting an award for best fight scene in the movie “Eclipse.”

“I ripped your head off,” Pattinson said. “And now you’re pregnant.”

In the audience, his “Twilight” costar Kristin Stewart covered her face in embarrassment.

After Pattinson and Stewart accepted an award for best kiss,” Pattinson declined an on-stage smooch.

“I just think there’s someone else in the audience who will appreciate it a little more,” he said.

Then Pattinson jogged out to the audience and planted a wet one on on-screen nemesis Taylor Lautner.

Let’s not blame Pattinson. Let’s blame MTV for letting him spend so much time on stage.” – Hot Topics