It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.
Clearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:
“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”
Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.
And then, as with all things that start with Anne Hathaway, my eyes glossed over… so I’ll back track to dresses.
Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.
Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!
Thank God that motorcycle cop was there
Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.
The sorrow in Jen’s eyes
Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.
Whoopie Goldberg borrowed Julia Roberts’ grandma dress and it was….not cute.
Matthew Mcconaughey, his wife and his mom floated to the red carpet on a cloud of beauty.
Lady Gaga was there? And in a normal (albeit ill-fitting) dress?
Pharrell wore shorts like an idiot.
And of course the talk of the town, Lupita, looked like Cinderella in a beautiful blue princess dress.
Everyone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):
But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.
Inside the show, Ellen took an epic selfie, ordered pizza and then asked celebs to pay for it.
Lupita’s brother? Way to get front and center in the best photo of all time – you win.
To pizza guy: “Who’s your favorite movie star? They’re here. Who you want to talk to?”
My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.
At least they have each other
And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!
What is she thinking?? This better be for a movie, role and that movie role better be worth it.
OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:
And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:
“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”
On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”
Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”
“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”
“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”
Some Oscar slideshows:
Winners and Losers