Despite opening with the dumbest performance by the dumbest performer in recent history (I’m talking about Miss T. Swizzle), last night’s Grammys were awesome. Although I could have done without hearing “Suit & Tie” 900 times during the show and the commercial breaks.
My performance was sepia-toned
Back to Tay Tay for a minute. First off, what was the “Academy” on when they decided “We are never ever everrrr getting back togetherrrrr” should be a contender for ANY award? Second of all, I don’t understand or appreciate the circus-themed performance. Third of all, she used a British accent in her performance, clearly mocking whats-his-face from One Direction. Stop publicly calling out all your exes, Taylor. No one is ever on your side – everrr everrrr.
I’d rather look at the clown. And your hair looks stupid.
Another slightly confusing yet totally mandatory performance was Bruno Mars and Sting together singing that
Police Bruno Mars song, “Locked Out of Heaven.” I’m really glad we got it out of the way and acknowledged that the song was a rip-off, but the two of them together is uncomfortable.
Then there was that poor kid Hunter Hayes who kept getting nominated for things and #notwinning anything. I don’t know who you are beyond deducting that you are country music’s Justin Bieber, but I’m sorry that you lost everything, and that even when they let you perform on a scratched up piano they only gave you enough air time for one verse. #hunterhayesproblems
Obvi Ri-Ri was the night’s winner for the second Grammys in a row. Massive forehead and abusive boyfriend aside, she looked gorgeous in her red dress.
I still love 2012’s pre-underboob-tattoo black dress.
I also loved her 70s getup for the Bob Marley tribute. Although I was ready for some serious nip slips every time she lifted her arms in that crop-top.
Kimbra looked like a fairy, and I liked it.
Florence Welch looked like Reptar, and I didn’t like it.
Then there was Carrie Underwood and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamdress (p.s. I thought I was really clever coming up with this reference – turns out the rest of the word did too…). When she first stepped on stage I was a little appalled that she chose to re-wear 2005’s junior prom during her performance, but I was willing to forgive. Then I was confused when weird squiggles started appearing on the skirt – and then I was right back at appalled when scenery and roses were projected onto her. Finally, sweet relief when the dress took flight in the form of one hundred monarch butterflies – and it was all over.
That’s the ugliest effing dress I’ve ever seen
I was confused again when the crowd gave her a standing ovation, but then this guy looked straight into the camera and validated my horror with a look that says “Did you see that? Seriously?” This guy stole the show:
Also, when I die I’d like to be reincarnated as Mavis Staples.
Mah gurrl, Mavis