Grammy Awards 2013: Quality Entertainment

Despite opening with the dumbest performance by the dumbest performer in recent history (I’m talking about Miss T. Swizzle), last night’s Grammys were awesome. Although I could have done without hearing “Suit & Tie” 900 times during the show and the commercial breaks.

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My performance was sepia-toned

Back to Tay Tay for a minute. First off, what was the “Academy” on when they decided “We are never ever everrrr getting back togetherrrrr” should be a contender for ANY award? Second of all, I don’t understand or appreciate the circus-themed performance. Third of all, she used a British accent in her performance, clearly mocking whats-his-face from One Direction. Stop publicly calling out all your exes, Taylor. No one is ever on your side – everrr everrrr.

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I’d rather look at the clown. And your hair looks stupid.

Another slightly confusing yet totally mandatory performance was Bruno Mars and Sting together singing that Police Bruno Mars song, “Locked Out of Heaven.” I’m really glad we got it out of the way and acknowledged that the song was a rip-off, but the two of them together is uncomfortable.

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Eew.

Then there was that poor kid Hunter Hayes who kept getting nominated for things and #notwinning anything. I don’t know who you are beyond deducting that you are country music’s Justin Bieber, but I’m sorry that you lost everything, and that even when they let you perform on a scratched up piano they only gave you enough air time for one verse. #hunterhayesproblems

Dresses:

Obvi Ri-Ri was the night’s winner for the second Grammys in a row. Massive forehead and abusive boyfriend aside, she looked gorgeous in her red dress.

riri

I still love 2012’s pre-underboob-tattoo black dress.

I also loved her 70s getup for the Bob Marley tribute. Although I was ready for some serious nip slips every time she lifted her arms in that crop-top.

reg_1024.marley.ls.21013_copyKimbra looked like a fairy, and I liked it.

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Kimbra

Florence Welch looked like Reptar, and I didn’t like it.

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Reptar

Then there was Carrie Underwood and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamdress (p.s. I thought I was really clever coming up with this reference – turns out the rest of the word did too…). When she first stepped on stage I was a little appalled that she chose to re-wear 2005’s junior prom during her performance, but I was willing to forgive. Then I was confused when weird squiggles started appearing on the skirt – and then I was right back at appalled when scenery and roses were projected onto her. Finally, sweet relief when the dress took flight in the form of one hundred monarch butterflies – and it was all over.

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That’s the ugliest effing dress I’ve ever seen

I was confused again when the crowd gave her a standing ovation, but then this guy looked straight into the camera and validated my horror with a look that says “Did you see that? Seriously?” This guy stole the show:

Also, when I die I’d like to be reincarnated as Mavis Staples.

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Mah gurrl, Mavis

It’s love/hate

I have a love/hate relationship with Rihanna. On the one hand, she has a lot of great dance songs and she’s kind of bad-ass and hot. On the other hand, though, she’s always trying to seem “so hard,” she does musical collaborations with a man who beat her and it would be a stretch to say she has a singing voice.

But at the moment, I am in a “love” stage in our relationship and I will allow her to bring me into the weekend.

Some thoughts on the Adele show, 2012

– But You’re Like Really Pretty –

So the Grammy’s were last night and the Academy should have probably just created one huge Grammy in the shapely shape of Adele and given her the award for “only CD we listened to all year.” I mean I’m pretty sure they gave her “best rap song” and “best regional Mexican or Tejano Album.”

I’m not going to hate on Adele because she obviously has an amazing voice and her performance was a classy break from Katy Perry’s flame throwers. It’s just that “Rolling in the Deep” came out like a year ago and anyone who has ears or a radio probably wants to destroy one of those two things whenever that song comes on. Yes, I listened to it on repeat when it first came out – “OMG Adele totally gets me!” – but I’ve moved on since. Anyway, I still love Adele and I didn’t even mind having to hear a new “fank you” speech from her every 2 minutes. My latest favorite song of hers is “Right as Rain” from her old album.

Now that I got Adele out of the way I will talk about the greatest atrocity of the night – the exorcism of Roman. What was that?

– Sorry, Gaga. You might as well have worn khakis and a polo shirt –

If Nicki Minaj’s goal was to out-bizarre Lady Gaga, I think she did it – and she did it in exceptionally poor taste. The whole performance was just a huge theatrical disaster. I think Nicki Minaj is awesome and she has such a unique style of rapping and singing that she just does not need to create a sacrilegious monstrosity to get noticed.

– Forgive me father for I am a dungeon dragon –

– Sexual Ri Ri –

I did, however, like Rihanna’s performance of “We found Love.” I thought the dance moves were kind of cool and she looked cute in her little crop top. She also looked super gorg. in her red carpet dress. She wasn’t sounding her best, though when she sang “Princess of China” with Chris Martin. And he also seemed to be struggling during his entire performance, and I could have done without the thrusting motions towards the piano.

The Whitney Houston tribute was nice especially since they obviously had to put it together at the last minute. Jennifer Hudson gave me chills, but nobody can do it like Whit could.

Lastly, the whole dance music extravaganza was a big disappointment. I was really excited for it and I thought it was a great idea seeing as music has gone so Euro in the past couple years, but it kind of made me feel like I was watching the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Then the Foo Fighters came on, which made no sense at all. Deadmau5 kind of fixed it, but only kind of.

Last thoughts: Is it weird that I thought that Beach Boy was an attractive grandpa, and did Taylor Swift’s teeth grow?

HuffPost Performance Recap

Guilty Pleasures

- Like this guy, I also like donuts. But that's not so much of a secret -

I recently discovered two things that I secretly like. They are both songs and I am slightly embarrassed that I couldn’t stop listening to them all weekend – but clearly not that embarrassed since I am posting them for all to see.

The first is “Love you Like a Love Song” by Selena Gomez. I never gave this song a chance because Disney stars are annoying, and because it’s about Justin Bieber, which is weird (especially since he may be a teen dad). But, luckily for Selena, her song came on the radio while I was making a difficult left-hand turn, so I didn’t change the station. And I’m glad. After watching the video, I have new respect for Selena – not only is the song fun, but she wears all kinds of weird outfits in her video, which is exactly what I would do if I were starring in a music video. My only criticism is that the piñata scene that starts around 2:35 into the video is a rip-off of Rihanna’s “Only Girl” video. However, I love the “Only Girl” video and want to live in that pink desert/field and wear diamonds like Rihanna, so again, I would probably do the same in my music video.

Speaking of Rihanna…this brings me to my second guilty pleasure of the weekend – Rihanna’s new song “You da One.” I am ashamed that I like it because it has the word “da” in the title and because it’s kind of an annoying song. I find myself playing it and getting really irritated by her screaming “you da one” in my face. Yet I always listen to it again – the the genius of top 40 music I guess.

Ongoing guilty pleasure: Sheryl Crow radio in Pandora. I love me some sassy 90s ladies.

Rihanna gets raunchy….again

Rihanna’s new video for “We Found Love” is out, and I didn’t think to watch it until I heard K Foxx talking about it on Hot 97 (yes, I’m hood). According to my girl, people are saying that the video might be alluding to Rihanna’s relationship with Chris Brown because it shows her and a guy with Sisqo hair arguing in a car.

- "We Found Love" -

Here’s what I think: I don’t know about the Chris Brown thing – it might be loosely based off of that, but I don’t really care. The video is just annoying because, yet again, Ri-Ri is trying to push the envelope and solidify her “good girl gone bad” image. The whole thing is supposed to mimic some sort of psychedelic trip, but it’s basically 5 minutes of her and her Chris Brown/Sisqo man doing drugs and having sex. She also wears some sweet leotards and denim skirts and spreads her legs for the camera.

Give it up, Rihanna, I’m getting a little annoyed at your raunchy behavior. I know you’ve said in the past that you are not trying to be a role model, and that’s fine, but do you have to work so hard to be the anti-role model. And really, you got kicked out of a strip club for thrusting your head in between the strippers’ legs? Get a grip, girl!

More importantly, the video-version of the song is a rip-off of Madonna’s “What it Feels Like for a Girl.”

See for yourself:

The album version is better – LISTEN

In coincidental related news, the betches gave Rihanna “betch of the week” today. I mean, she’s been annoying lately, but Rihanna is def. a true betch.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Sunday is my favorite holiday – the day my existence began!! Yayy, I’m talking about my birthday! So everyone wish a happy birthday to me, Mark Wahlberg, and Spanish pop sensation David Bisbal. We will all be another year older and another year fabulous this Sunday.

Here are the two jams I’m really feeling for my bday weekend:


Also here are some (pretty accurate) character descriptions of people who were born on June 5 – taken from a very unreliable source called “Birthday Discovery and Opinions.”

  • You thrive on adventure and change. Routine is something you cannot stand. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. You become bored and restless easily because you are a bit of a rolling stone.
  •  You can be impatient and impulsive. Nothing can stop you from making progress in your love life. Once you are in love, you feel the ownership of your lover. A third party only makes your jealousy becomes worse. Don’t overindulge your senses in sex.
  • Because of your extreme confidence, you hardly ask others for opinion. However you can work well with others unless there are too many restrictions. You believe in leading your own life, and you have got the gift in doing so. In fact, you have a talent for promotion, public relations. Don’t get overwhelmed by the enormity of what you have to do.

Okay, now time to booze it up with mah ladies! See ya when I’m 23!