…. And a Happy New Year

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The worst Christmas presents

To get into the holiday spirit, I’m going to tool on my mom (out of love of course).

Through the years, one of the most exciting parts of Christmas morning has become, not finding out if I got what I wanted, but finding out what I never knew I never wanted. This is because my mother is the worst gift-giver of all time. It’s not that she’s lazy or not thoughtful – she just has an uncanny ability to buy bizarre presents.

05_Flatbed_1 - DECEMBERIn anticipation of what treasures I may unwrap on Wednesday, I’m taking a look back at some gems:

5. Ice Scraper

Even beauty queens scrape ice of their cars

Even beauty queens scrape ice of their cars

In her defense, this has come in handy many times. In my defense, most boring gift ever.

4. Onesie Snow Suit

randy

This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing except I was 15. And anyone who has known me since before I was born should know that never have I ever voluntarily played in the snow.

3. “Robsindexessed” the movie

I made the mistake of introducing my mom to the Twilight series. Because of that mistake, I am the proud owner of 2 movie guide books, trading cards, holographic bookmarks, an Edward Cullen doll, and this movie. “Robsessed” is a series of interviews from people who once sat down next to Robert Pattinson at a bar, or did the high school play with him one year, or may have passed him on the street.

 

2. “Lord of the Rings” DVD

Eew, why would I ever?

Eew, why would I ever?

I know a lot of people are into this wizard nonsense, so this might seem like a great gift. Well it’s not. It’s like giving Victoria Beckham a burger, or Miley Cyrus pants, or Gretchen Weiners hoop earrings.

1. Brown Corduroy Bin

Screen shot 2013-12-23 at 1.52.33 PMThis gift was brought up ceremoniously from the basement all wrapped up in shiny Christmas paper. “The last gift is for your father!”

My father has a very high tolerance for my mom’s bad gift-giving, and luckily for their marriage thinks it’s funny. But even he couldn’t hold back “what the hell is this” when his grand gift was an empty brown bin. My mother responded with uncontrollable laughter. I’m thinking it might all be a sick joke on us.

Deconstructed Christmas tree

This weekend I was burdened with one of my least favorite tasks ever: taking down the Christmas tree. So to make three hours of sitting on the floor wrapping ornaments in tissue paper a little more bearable, I had an iPhone photo shoot with my little friends while I put them away until next year.

Feeling Halloweenie? (part 5)

I wanted to post some childhood Halloween costume gems back in October, but due to the forces of nature I didn’t have the chance to look for photos in my cold, dark house. I did, however, have time to go through old pictures on my days off for Christmas. So seeing as we had snow on Halloween and 50 degree weather on Christmas anyway, it doesn’t seem so inappropriate to do Halloween post now.

Halloween costume awards:

Sluttiest: Go-go dancer, 5th grade.

Case in point, I recycled the same costume senior year of college.

Most ahead of the times: Cat, 2nd grade. I knew leotards were acceptable outerwear before “Destiny” even gave birth to Beyonce.

Effing weirest: (guest costume) Lamb, my sister, 1st grade. Why?

GRAND PRIZE goes to most un-PC costume: Hindu, 4th grade.

Happy Three Kings Day!

Today is the 12th and final day of Christmas – the Epiphany. It’s the day when the three wise men, or the magic kings, or the three kings, or the Magi – whatever you choose to call them – brought their gifts to the baby Jesus. Nobody really makes a big deal about this day, but for a Spaniard such as me, today is a big day. In Spain the Epiphany is a huge day and children wait for presents from those magical guys more than they look forward to Santa Claus. I was lucky enough to get presents from all 4 home intruders growing up.

So anyway, happy Three Kings Day and I’m sorry that I will be getting more presents and you will not be.

- Hipster Jesus -

Christmas movie: ‘Young Adult’

I forgot that the day after Christmas is unofficial “take your family to the movies” day, so my friend and I were not thrilled when our little afternoon outing to go see Young Adult turned into 20 minutes of waiting in a theater lobby filled with kids and parents flocking to see Tin Tin and teenage couples waiting in line for New Years Eve. Of course, the crowd made us anxious about tickets being sold out and being able to get good seats together, but when we walked in to our theater it was basically empty. Turns out nobody thought Young Adult would be a feel-good holiday movie. And it’s not.

- What a betch -

It’s classified as a “dark comedy” but it’s really more of just a “dark.” I was definitley not expecting Legally Blonde, which is why I wanted to go see it in the first place, but it’s a lot more depressing than I thought it would be. It has its funny moments and one-liners, but if you’re depressed, this movie might make you feel one of two things: glad to see a movie that doesn’t candy-coat life, or make you want to kill yourself. For me, I just have even less of a desire to visit Minnesota than I did before.

- Trying to create a parallel? It's a stretch, but they're both lost souls I guess -

Charlize Theron does a great job of portraying Mavis, a 37-year old writer who lives in a haze of booze, diet coke, sweat pants and E! reality TV. Mavis is the star of her hometown – the prettiest, most popular girl in school who moves to the “big city” of Minneapolis (joke?) and becomes the successful author of a “Young Adult” book series. At this point in her life, though, she is in the middle of a deep depression. She has failed at having a normal life – didn’t stay married or have kids – and she is writing the last book in her series, which has been canceled. In some sort of crisis, Mavis seems to revert back to the teenagers she’s writing about and decides that the way to fix her life is to go back to her hometown and win back her high school sweetheart, Buddy, who is now married with a baby (and sucks).

The only thing that seems off and out of character for Mavis is that she carries around a fluffy little dog. She seems too self-involved to care about another being and too cynical to appreciate something cute and fluffy. Although the dog could be a glimpse into how she used to be before she got so depressed.

Soon, Mavis’ depression and perpetual hangovers go from amusing and slightly charming to disturbing as she becomes more and more delusional until she has a public meltdown at Buddy’s house. Mavis’ whole mission was triggered by the baby announcement she got from Buddy’s wife, Esme from Twilight (who has an alarmingly large head), and we find out why during her meltdown. It turns out Mavis was pregnant with Buddy’s baby when they were young and she lost it. She feels like a failure for not being able to give him a child when this new woman can, especially on top of being divorced. “I had Buddy’s miscarriage,” she says.

After this, she basically is able to get out of her fog a little bit and she goes back to Minneapolis in her Mini Cooper that she crashed into a lamp post. What we don’t know is if she makes a change or if she goes back to her miserable coma-like existence.

- I'd have a mental breakdown too if Esme poured sangria on my dress just because she's wearing a heinous green duster -

I wouldn’t say I disliked the movie but if you go see it, just know that you’re not going to leave feeling hopeful and happy  – you might feel better about your own life though.