Traffic lights are my jam

Nuria

And telephone poles

Nuria

I <3 Traffic

- China traffic jam in its 9th day...woof city -

This might be a scarier prediction than anything apocalyptic: the world will become one big traffic jam.

It’s pretty obvious that as the world gets over populated and more and more cars are on the road, traffic is bound to get worse. But AOL Autos is reporting that Bill Ford, the great-grandson of Henry Ford (ironic), is predicting that traffic jams like the one in China last year that lasted DAYS will become more common in the coming years.

I’m seeing this article right after living some traffic horror-stories in the past week. Friday it took me 2 hours to go 42 miles turning my 3-hour trip into a 5 1/2-hour trip. Then it took double the time it should to get to the beach this weekend, and yesterday my hour commute turned into an hour of driving plus an hour of sitting in a highway-turned-parking lot while running out of gas and the will power to hold my pee any longer. After that, this article is the scariest thing I have ever seen. I’ve had enough driving for a while. Can someone please get me to NYC so I can get rid of my car (sorry green guy) and start complaining about public transportation instead?

Read the story: Bill Ford Warns The World Should Cut Down On Driving

This would make life easier is it actually happened: Norwalk I-95 bottleneck a priority for Malloy

Always keep a bathing suit in your car!

I faced a really regretful situation yesterday. It was 95 degrees out and I was invited to go lounge by a friend’s pool after work, but I didn’t have a bathing suit with me. The pool is three miles from work and my house is about 32 miles from the pool, so I was not about to go home and come back in rush hour traffic. This all seems normal enough. He should have given me fair warning so that I could pack a bathing suit, right? Well yeah maybe, but had this been a week ago it would have been unnecessary.

Since last June I have had a bathing suit in my glove compartment everyday. I got a lot of crap for being weird and carrying a bathing suit with me at all times, but I always defended it. You never know! Well I just took it out of the car to wash it because I thought, “you know after a year of rolling around in there I don’t know if I would want to put that on.” Then I never put it back because I thought maybe every one was right and it is a little weird.

Well jokes on me! I could have had a great time at the pool yesterday. Instead I sat in traffic for a sweaty hour and a half with the sun pounding through my windshield while my friends had the time of their lives. First thing I did when I got home: put that damn bathing suit back in my car!

This situation has enlightened me to the fact that I am smart and everyone should learn from me. So I would like to share with you some important things to carry with you in your car and in your purse.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Battleship or any other board game:

This is in here because I spent my summer as a nanny last year so I always had entertaining things in my car in case they got restless. This goes for most of the rest of the things in my car: it’s still there because I’m lazy. However, there will never be a dull moment with me because if we get bored….who wants to sink my battleship?!

Friendship bracelet string:

Another remnant of my nanny days. This is important for two reasons – fun and survival. Sure it’s just another way to have a great time and save money on buying actual jewelry, but notice the scissors in there. I have with me at all times two of the most basic tools needed for survival: string and something to cut it with. Right now I can’t think of a scenario when I would need that, but one of these days I bet you it will happen. Wait! I thought of something; what if I forget to cut the tag off of my shirt? No problemo.

An empty pitcher:

I keep this as a memento of a terrible night I had when I skidded off the road on black ice with five drunk people in my car who had stolen a full pitcher of beer and brought it with them. They left it in my car and now I will always remember that crazy night and I will always have a vehicle for carrying liquid. Let’s say I get stranded with no water. I can search for a stream and gather some in my pitcher. Or better yet, maybe I could sneak it into the bar on $1 pitcher night and get a free pitcher. Of course then I have to sneak it out again.

A super cute bandanna:

No, I am not the token hot chick in a motorcycle gang, although if I ever wanted to be I would already have my head gear. This is for wiping my windshield or a spill or to use as a napkin. It’s cute because why would you ever buy something ugly given the choice to get it in ‘cute’? This could also be useful if I were stranded though. I could use it to flag someone down. And in the case that I were stranded without a shirt, I could fashion some sort of halter top out of it. I probably could have made it into a string bikini yesterday (see friendship bracelet string)…..

Purse items:

Notebook and pen, hair brush, anti-bacterial ointment, Advil in a naked angel pill box, nail file, fancy ring, gum, nasal decongestant. I think these are pretty self-explanatory. Notebook and pen to write down my fleeting thoughts, play MASH, draw pictures, write down directions etc. Hair brush, nail file and gum to stay fly. Anti-bacterial ointment and nasal decongestant to stay healthy and free from bacteria. Advil to fight hang overs and caffeine withdrawals as well as general aches and pains. Fancy ring in case something fab comes up.

No one is perfect, so I am missing a few key items and I will be sure to take care of this ASAP: sewing kit, toothbrush, flip flops, lotion, cash.

Happy Memorial Day

Memorial day marks the beginning of summer – finally you feel good about yourself because you’re tan, you don’t need a jacket at night, it’s acceptable to basically wear underwear in public etc. But before we get there we have to endure the dreaded Memorial Day traffic explosion. Why can’t people just sit still? Because sitting still sucks, that’s why. And I have committed to making one of the most excruciating Memorial Day journeys – going from anywhere to Cape Cod.

In honor of myself and anyone else making an equally “shoot me now” kind of trip, I have found some of THE WORST traffic jokes EVER. So bad, it’s kind of funny…share them with your grandpa, he may get a chuckle:

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a
tire without losing your place in line.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are
just as many people trying to get to whatever you’re
trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush
hour traffic. You’re glad for the opening, but you wonder
who died.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take
the day off …. even then, you’re cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a
hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some
places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and
make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to
buy the car driving next to you.

* Our highways have become insane asylums with turn
signals.

– Thanks to: jokeoftheday.wordpress.com

Also, here are some gas-saving tips from one of my lovely bloggers: Rachael from the Sideview

We have more important things to do than work

For those of you who have full time jobs, you know that you spend way more time in the office and (in my case) the car than you do at home. This can cause problems because you may not have time to run errands and you also may feel stressed out because you spend most of your day in a stuffy office.

So, here are some ways that I have taken advantage of my free time at work to do some chores and make myself at home at my office.

• Eat breakfast in the car: If you’re like me and you have a long commute to work, don’t waste that time by paying attention to the road; multi-tasking is the key. A really important thing for me to do in the car is eat breakfast. By eating a raw Pop-Tart in the car every morning I can sleep away the 5 to 10 minutes that it would take to toast the Pop-Tart and sit down and eat it. But you have to make sure and always have portable foods to do this. Cereal, for example, would not be a good thing to eat on the go (See “grocery shop”).

• Take random breaks: Besides coffee and/or lunch breaks, I like to take walking breaks when it’s nice out. Sometimes I use that time to call a friend or take photos of the plant life in the parking lot. If you do this, you also might get whistled at by the police men supervising nearby road construction… Also, if you can afford a longer break, take a walk in the park like I did last week (yes, my job is literally a walk in the park).

- parking lot plant life -

- walk in the park -

• Decorate your office: Consider the parking lot’s plant life to be freebies from the company. You don’t have to buy decorations, just rip some branches off a tree and stick them in a cup. See how pretty:

- parking lot plant life in a cup -

• The bathroom is your friend: I am fortunate enough to work in a building where the bathroom has a secret code. Not only does this make me feel cool because I have VIP access to the bathroom, but I can hear people punching in the code before they come in. This allows me to do weird things in there because I get a warning if someone is coming in. Example: today I washed my feet in the sink – heels make my feet sweaty. (You can also do more normal things like your hair and makeup, but that’s not as fun). One thing I have often wished i could do at work is paint my nails, but I think that would be a bit much…

- sweaty shoes -

• Exercise: Depending on how much privacy you have at your cubicle or office, this might also have to go under “the bathroom is your friend.” I like to do leg lifts in the office when I get some alone time. This leaves me more free time when I get home because I already got my exercise in.

- this guy has fun exercising at work

• Grocery Shop: Time after work is precious because you only get a few hours in the evening to relax and/or go out. Errands like grocery shopping can really take up those golden hours, so you should just do it during work. If you have to travel at all for work, always stop at the grocery store. This can get a little tricky if there is a lack of refrigeration wherever you are going, so stick with canned and dry goods if that’s the case.

• Excessive Gchat: A cubicle can be a lonely place. You may have no one to talk to (like me on days where I am literally the only one in the office) or you may just hate everyone around you. So, go on Gchat all day long and talk to your friends and you will feel like a social butterfly everyday. The drawback – on the outside you look like a freak because you are silently typing all day long and laughing to yourself.

• Live out of your car: This goes back the the long commute thing. When you spend about 3 hours in your car everyday, you establish an emotional connection with it – it becomes a second home. Example: some Fridays I go straight from work to whatever trip I have planned for that weekend. I keep my clothes in the car so I can change in the parking lot at work, and I keep some mini Ritz crackers in there too so I’m not tempted to stop at the McDonald’s rest stop causing me to waste time (see “grocery shopping”) and consume empty calories (see “exercise”).

- Me and Green Guy -

• Start a blog: Writing a blog takes up a lot of time and gives you a place to ramble about things that no one except Ally will read.

The main lesson here is that work is not just for work. Work is also a place to not work.

Lyrical Genius

As I mentioned before, I have really broadened my musical horizons since starting a long commute to and from work.

And I have found that sometimes a long uninterrupted string of rap music is just the thing to either a.) get my morning going or b.) lull me into a trance-like state so that I don’t really realize I’ve been driving 10 mph for the last 45 minutes (the drone of Drake’s voice is perfect on rainy, trafficky mornings like today).

Anyway, my adventures in Hot 97 have led me to a couple songs that can be described as nothing else but pure poetry….That’s a lie, they can be described as pure ridiculousness.

For your reading pleasure – the two dumbest, most overly-sexual songs I hear in my day-to-day life:

“Motivation” – Kelly Rowland feat. Lil’ Wayne

Oh lover, don’t you dare slow down
Go longer, you can last more rounds
Push harder, you’re almost there now
So go lover, make mama proud
And when we’re done, I don’t wanna feel my legs
And when we’re done, I just wanna feel your hands all over me baby
You can’t stop there, music still playin in the background
And you’re almost there
You can do it, I believe in you baby
So close from here

[chorus]
So baby I’m a be your motivation
Go, go, go, go
Motivation
Go, go, go, go

Oh Lover, when you call my name
No other, can do that the same, no
I won’t let you, get up out that game, no
So go lover, go on and make me rain

And when we’re done, I don’t wanna feel my legs baby
And when we’re done,I just wanna feel your hands all over me baby
You can’t stop there, music still playin in the background
And you’re almost there
You can do it, I believe in you baby
So close from here

[chorus]

[Lil Wayne]
Uh, girl I turn that thing into a rain forest
Rain on my head, call that brainstorming
Yeah this is deep, oh, but I go deeper
Make you lose yourself, and finders keepers
It go green light, go Weezy go
I like to taste that sugar, that sweet and low
But hold up wait, new position
I put her on my plate then I do the dishes
She my motivation, I’m her transportation
Cause I let her ride, while I drive her crazy
Then I just keep going going, like I’m racing
When I’m done she hold me like a conversation
Weezy, baby

[Kelly Rowland]
And when we’re done, I don’t wanna feel my legs
And when we’re done, I just wanna feel your hands all over me baby
You can’t stop there, music still playin in the background
And you’re almost there
You can do it, I believe in you baby
So close from here

Let’s highlight some of the best parts: “Push harder, you’re almost there now. So go lover, make mama proud….And you’re almost there. You can do it, I believe in you baby. So close from here.” First of all this sounds like I’m accidentally overhearing Kelly’s Saturday night through the bedroom door – Way awk. and way TMI. Second of all, “make mama proud?” – Eew. Third of all, I don’t know because I’m not a guy, but don’t Kelly’s words of encouragement come off a little patronizing?

I guess Weezy, baby doesn’t take it that way because while Kelly is using every trick in the book to keep him “motivated,” (sucks that that’s necessary bt-dubs) Mr. Wayne is bragging about his performance. “But hold up wait, new position. I put her on my plate then I do the dishes. She my motivation, I’m her transportation. Cause I let her ride, while I drive her crazy.” Do the dishes? I’m not familiar with that one….intrigued.

“When I’m done she hold me like a conversation. Weezy, baby.” I think you’ve had enough conversation for one night; this seems like it involved a little too much talking. Hey Kell, maybe next time you should just read him The Little Engine That Could and he can learn to provide his own motivation. “I think I can, I think I can.”

“In the Morning” – J Cole feat. Drake

Baby you summertime fine, I let you get on top, I be the underline
I’m trying to get beside you like the number 9, dime
You fine as hell, I guess I met you for a reason, only time can tell
But well, Im wondering what type of shit you wantin’
Do you like the finer things or you a simple woman
Would you drink with a n-gga, do you smoke weed
Don’t be ashamed, it aint no thing, I used to blow trees
Gettin lifted, I quit but sh-t, I might get high with you
Its only fitting cause I’m looking super fly with you
A flower, you are powerful, you do something to me
cause girl I caught the vibe like you threw something to me
So i threw em back, now all my n-ggas hollerin, who was that
Oh boy, she bad n-gga, what you bout do with that
I’m finna take you home, just sip a little patron
Now we zonin’, baby you so fine

[Chorus]
And can I hit it in the morning
And can I hit it in the morning
And can I hit it in the morning
The sun rising while you moanin’

[Repeat]

[Drake]
Uh, baby you winter time cold
The night is still young, drinking dinner wine slow
I’m trying to make the goose bumps on your inner thigh show
I’ll let you beat me there as far as finish lines go
Yeah, and if you gotta leave for work, I’ll be right here in the same bed that you left me in
I love big women cause my aunt, she rode equestrian
I used to go to the stables and get those kids to bet me
And I would always ride the stallions whenever she let me
I’m joking, I mean that thing is poking
I mean you kinda like that girl that’s in the US Open
I mean I got this hidden agenda that you provoking
I got bath water that you can soak in
Things I could do with lotion
Don’t need a towel, we could dry off in the covers
And when you think you like it, I promise you gonna love it
Yeah, well lights coming through the drapes and we both yawning
I roll over and ask if..

[Chorus – Drake]

[J. Cole]
Hey, hey, God Bless the child that can hold his own
God Bless the woman that can hold patron
God Bless the homegirl that drove us home
No strings attached, like a cordless phone
You see my intentions with you is clear
I’m learning not to judge a woman by the shit that she wears
Therefore, you shouldn’t judge a n-gga off of the shit that you hear
Get all defensive, apprehensive, all because my career
To be fair, I know we barely know each other and yeah
Somehow I wound up in your bed so where we headin from here
Just say you’re scared if you’re scared but if you through frontin’ we can do somethin
And you know just what I’m talking about, tomorrow you’ll be calling out
Cause tonight we getting right into the wee morn’
Cooking n-gga breakfast after sex is like a reward
Then I go my way and you think about me all day, that’s just a warning

Highlights: First off, the chorus is perfection. “Can I hit it in the morning?” is such a great line on its own that you really don’t need anything else – just lather, rinse, repeat. Occasionally spicing things up with “sun rising while you moaning” is probably the only thing that could make it better. I especially like that “morning” and “moaning” not only rhyme in this song, but they are actually the same word (is that cheating, though?)

Now, I think Drake’s verse really makes the song what it is. “I got bath water that you can soak in. Things I could do with lotion.” If a guy said that to me it would be so on! Also, he shows us his sensitive side with a little anecdote about his childhood. He’s really opening up to this girl before hitting it in the morning – gentleman. “I love big women cause my aunt, she rode equestrian. I used to go to the stables and get those kids to bet me and I would always ride the stallions whenever she let me. I’m joking.” Oh, wait never mind. I guess it was a joke….

Trashy White Girl Mix

It’s Friday, which means bar night. Now I have boozed it up in many a location and while drink prices, level of creepiness of the crowd and overall atmosphere change from bar-to-bar and city-to-city, one thing remains relatively consistant – the trashy white girl mix.

This is a name I have given to the block of songs that is pretty much a staple in any dj’s playlist. Let me set the scene – you’re dancing to the standard top 40/hip hop dance mix and when you least expect it, they hit you with some classic rock. But it’s not good classic rock; it’s very bad, very cheesy, very hair-whip inducing classic rock.

I give you the Trashy White Girl Mix (allow for some variation): Pour Some Sugar On Me, Livin’ On a Prayer, You Shook Me All Night Long, Don’t Stop Believing

Is it unwritten dj law that they are obligated to play this mix at some point in the night? I don’t know, but it has gone on long enough. As if Bon Jovi didn’t make me gag enough before, now I can’t hear one of their songs without the taste of vodka-soda-cranberry creeping into my throat. It’s time for a change. Let’s boycott the trashy white girl mix and switch it out for something new and exciting.

Since I started driving an hour-plus each way to work, I have discovered new radio stations – my new greatest love being Latino radio stations. There are 2 reasons for this: one, Spanglish is hilarious and two, the music is awesome.

- Omega -

So, I propose the Trashy Latina Mix: Danza Kuduro, Dandole, La Despedida, No Te Veo, Que Tengo Que Hacer

Let’s make this happen.