Lyrical Genius (Vol. 10)

I was on my way to get my hurr did after work last night, and the radio dj started saying something about Khloe Kardashian being kicked off of X-Factor and something else about “listen to the new single from the X-Factor winners!”

I was too busy thinking about my future highlights to pay too much attention, so I don’t actually know if they were the winners or not – what I do know is that these little dweebs have a single about how much of a loser Khloe Kardashian is. They must have some nerve. I mean yeah she’s kind of an Amazon and has been called a dude on multiple occasions, but she’s still way more famous than these stupid kids.

Read the lyrics to “Chloe” by Emblem3 and tell me these baby d-bags don’t need a reality check. They may or may not have won the X-Factor while Khloe was fired for showing her nipples and generally sucking at the job, but I still don’t think she’s looking for reassurance from the spawn of One Direction.

Emblem3…..

Chloe, I know your sister turns everyone on
But you’re the one I want
But you’re the one I want, yeah

Yeah, front page magazine
Everybody says that she’s the queen
But that’s you to me
And I just want to let let you know that
She likes the flashing lights
I love the way that you like candle lights
Stay close by my side
I just want a chance to show that

If only you could believe in yourself the way I believe in you

Although, props to whoever wrote this song for the Kimye referece, “she like the flashing lights.” HERE is a link if you want to listen to the song, but I can see what links people click on from my blog, and if I see that you listened to this song, I will judge you.

At the same time, though….Khloe’s not doing herself any favors…

Lyrical Genius (Vol. 9): I give this one a big LOL

I don’t follow country music or LL Cool J because I’m busy doing cooler things like watching reruns of the Nanny on Nick at Nite. But I saw something online today about backlash against a Brad Paisley/LL Cool J “duet” called “Accidental Racist,” and I thought…that sounds real dumb. (Listen to it if you must)

The two best friends that anybody could have

So I did some research and painstakingly sifted through like 5 YouTube videos to find the song. The song basically addresses white man’s guilt – specifically southern white man’s guilt. Brad says:

To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand
When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I’m a Skynyrd fan…

But I am really jealous that Steve Martin is the father of your bride

I’m just a white man comin’ to you from the southland
Tryin’ to understand what it’s like not to be
I’m proud of where I’m from but not everything we’ve done
And it ain’t like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn’t start this nation
We’re still pickin’ up the pieces, walkin’ on eggshells, fightin’ over yesterday
And caught between southern pride and southern blame

To which Cool James replies:

But I am really jealous of your Kangol hat and your #swag

Dear Mr. White Man, I wish you understood
What the world is really like when you’re livin’ in the hood
Just because my pants are saggin’ doesn’t mean I’m up to no good…
I want you to get paid but be a slave I never could
Feel like a new fangled Django, dodgin’ invisible white hoods
So when I see that white cowboy hat, I’m thinkin’ it’s not all good
I guess we’re both guilty of judgin’ the cover not the book
I’d love to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air
But I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn’t here

I mean, no one should wear the confederate flag anywhere (especially Starbucks) because that’s rude, and no one should ever say “conversate” because that’s not a word sooo….

Basically, this is the worst effing song I’ve ever heard, but I don’t get why it’s sooo controversial. I get what they’re saying – they’re saying everyone get over it already. I mean sure, if you’re from the South, I might assume that you’re racist (and that you don’t even know what Starbucks is) but that’s just because I’m direction-ist and only like people from the the Northeast – which is obviously a national epidemic that I plan on exploiting all the way to the Country Music Awards.

All I’m saying is that my big issue with this song is not that Brad Paisley is trying to convince us he’s not racist by befriending a less-than-current rapper from New York; the problem is it’s the cheesiest ballad with the worst lyrics, and it sounds like an SNL skit.

I mean…

“If you don’t judge my do-rag, I won’t judge your red flag”

“I try to put myself in your shoes and that’s a good place to begin
But it ain’t like I can walk a mile in someone else’s skin”

“RIP Robert E. Lee but I’ve gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me, know what I mean”

That’s it, racism solved. Thanks guys.

Although, this is coming from the same man who wrote a song that includes the line “I’d like to check you for ticks.” Gross, no thanks.

Gatsby

I’ve been excited for “The Great Gatsby” movie to come out, especially since I heard Leo was playing Gatsby. Now the trailer has me even more excited because it features my favorite lyrical genius song. Apparently the 20s were “mad real.”

It’s your girl, B

I know I’m late, but I thought I should congratulate Beyonce on being named Poeple’s Most Beautiful Woman (you know, since we’re friends). I’d say it’s a good call on People’s part with all the hype about how she may or may not have given birth to a devil child (relax people). Anyway, I’ve been giving a lot of love to her hubby for his song lyrics, but Beyonce’s not just a hot piece of ass – she has some gems in her repertoire as well. Have we forgotten this Destiny’s Child song?

Nasty Girl:

Nasty put some clothes on, I told ya
Don’t walk out your house without no clothes on, I told ya
Girl what ya thinkin’ bout lookin’ that to’ down, I told ya
These men don’t want no hot female that’s been around the block female, you nasty girl

Shakin’ that thang on that man, lookin’ all stank and nasty
Swore you look cute girl in them dukes, booty all out lookin’ trashy
Sleazy put some clothes on, I told ya
Don’t walk out ya heezy without clothes on, I told ya
You nasty girl, you nasty you trashy
You classless girl, you sleazy you freaky
I ain’t never met a girl that does the things that you do
Change don’t come your way it will come back to you
Put some clothes on girl

I get what you’re saying about not leaving the heezy without clothes on, and I have nothing but love for my girl – but you did kind of invent the no pants thing….

Pants or no pants, here’s to Beyonce’s humble beginnings:

And her current fabulousness:

Lyrical Genius (Vol. 8)

Before Jay-Z settled down with the love of his life, B, he was burned by a mystery woman and has since written a song detailing the deception. Let’s take some time to hear the story of “Venus vs. Mars.”

They knew they had some differences from the beginning, but it always worked out:

I’m on that red wine, shawty like white,
same sh-t different toilet,
we both getting nice,
me I’m from the apple which means I’m the Mac,
She’s a PC, she lives in my lap…

The Ying to my Yang, I skeet skeet off

And in the chorus, we hear about all the great things they did over the course of their relationship:

Shawty get it in,
Daddy go hard
Shawty get it in,
Daddy go hard….

But then, things start to go a bit awry:

I hits it from the back, Shawty like the front

When I finish breakfast, shawty’s out for lunch,
yeah we both eating its better than brunch

It sounds like Jay is making up excuses for shawty. Eating separately is definitely not better than brunch. In fact, poached eggs on a Sunday afternoon might have helped fix the relationship. But the denial continued until Jay caught Venus:

Thought Shawty was the truth, found out she was a cheater

Found out she was also a liar:

thought shawty like Mike, found out she like Prince

And that she was leaving him for a European:

My dollars was down, she left me for some Euro’s,
Took my whole flavour, I call her coke zero

And also, it turns out shawty was crazy the whole time:

shawty got Britney shaved her whole head up

Shawty get it in

Poor Jay:

Fell for the ponzi scheme, damn shawty just Made-off

Lyrical Genius (Vol. 7)

I haven’t done one of these in a long time mostly because I’ve been listening to HOT 97 for so long now that nothing really offends me anymore. But there’s been one line that’s been sticking out to me lately and it belongs to lyrical genius, Kanye West. In my book, Kanye’s words are the only words to live by.

“Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.”

Um, I know. Totes.

- Last night was maaaad real -

- Sunglasses and Dunk's"

So let’s explore some other hidden gems in the song “No Church in the Wild” by Kanye West feat. Jay-Z and Frank Ocean.

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“Cocaine seats
All white like I got the whole thing bleached
Drug dealer chic”

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Jay-Z is a classy guy, especially now that he knocked up Beyonce and started the next royal family. He’s also been around for a while so he knows what’s up, and “drug dealer chic” – that’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Becoming a famous rapper, I mean. It’s the skill of maintaining street-cred while having a carpeted bathroom with a golden tub. Diamond encrusted grills, tinted windows, pin-striped suits, Rocawear: sooo drug dealer chic.

- Drug dealer chic -

- Drug dealer chic -

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“Coke on her black skin made a stripe like a zebra

I call that jungle fever

You will not control the threesome
Just roll the weed up until I get me some
We formed a new religion
No sins as long as there’s permission’
And deception is the only felony
So never f-ck nobody wit’out tellin’ me
Sunglasses and Advil
Last night was mad real“

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Sounds like last night was definitely mad real. I was hungover from a couple glasses of pinot the other day, so props to Kanye for popping an Advil and getting on with his morning after that party. Question: is he talking to a girl of his when he says “never f-ck nobody wit’out tellin’ me”? Or is that a general statement to the public? One of the 10 commandments of Kanye, maybe – right after “Thou shalt not date women with hair” and “Taylor Swift sucks.”

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- "Thou shall upstage models by looking better in women's clothing" -

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“Sun comin’ up, 5 a.m.
I wonder if they got cabs still
Thinkin’ ’bout the girl in all-leopard
Who was rubbin’ the wood like Kiki Shepard

Two tattooes, one read ‘No Apologies’

The other said ‘Love is cursed by monogamy’

That’s somethin’ that the pastor don’t preach”

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- Kiki Shepard -

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What kind of lame city doesn’t have cabs at 5 a.m.? Or is that more of an existential question, like he did so much coke off that girl that he doesn’t know how much time has passed? Do cabs still exist, is this real life?

.

I don’t know who Kiki Shepard is.

.

No, the pastor does not preach “Love is cursed by monogamy,” he actually preaches “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” And we’re back to the 10 commandments of Kanye, which you can find in their entirety tattooed onto Kiki Shepard’s body.

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Lyrical Genius (Vol. 6)

This lyrical genius actually is a genius.

I first heard “Yo No Se Mañana” by Luis Enrique last March in Punta Cana (Spring Break 2010 Wooo). Since we had no iPod with us, we watched the video countdown on TV every night before going out and this song became a fav. But it wasn’t until recently that I actually really paid attention to the lyrics and realized it’s not as romantic as I thought. In fact, Luis is an ass and a half.

The song is basically him trying to convince some girl to have a one night stand with him. Here’s what I imagine the thought process was for writing this song:

“Ugh it’s so annoying how girls always want to know if this is ‘heading anywhere’ and if I’m going to ‘call them tomorrow.’ And they don’t really like my usual answer – ‘Hey baby, don’t worry about that. Let’s just have fun tonight.’ How can I make this easier on myself? I know, I’ll write a power ballad about it and girls will think I’m sensitive and not at all sleazy. They’ll throw themselves at me.” Genius.

Let’s break down some lyrics:

Yo no se si tu no se si yo seguirimos siendo como hoy
No se si despues de amanecer, vamos a sentir la misma sed
Para que pensar y suponer, no preguntes cosas que no se… yo no se
No se donde vamos a parar, eso ya la piel nos lo dira
Para que jurar y prometer algo que no esta en nuestro poder
Yo no se lo que es eterno, no me pidas algo que es del tiempo

TRANSLATION

I don’t know if you and i will continue to be like we are today
I don’t know if we will feel the same thirst after the sun rises
Why think and assume? Don’t ask me questions that I don’t know…I don’t know
I don’t know where we’ll stop, our skin will tell us that
Why swear and make promises about something we have no power over?
I don’t know what’s eternal, don’t ask me for something that only time can tell

Chorus:                                               

- "You think I'm so romantic...but I'm just an ass."

Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,
Si estaremos juntos, si se acaba el mundo
Yo no se si soy para ti, si seras para mi
Si lleguemos a amarnos o odioarnos
Yo no se mañana, yo no se mañana,
Quien va a estar aqui

TRANSLATION

I don’t know tomorrow, I don’t know tomorrow
If we’ll be together, if the world will end
I don’t know if I’m for you, if you’re for me
If we’ll end up loving or hating each other
I don’t know tomorrow, I don’t know tomorrow
Who will be here

De un cafe pasamos al sofa, de un boton a todo lo demas
No pusimos reglas ni reloj, aqui estamos solos tu y yo
Todo lo que ves es lo que soy, no me pidas mas de lo que doy

TRANSLATION

From coffee to the couch, from one button to everything else
We didn’t pay attention to rules or time, here we are alone
What you see is what you get, don’t ask me for more than what I give

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And the rest of the song continues on with the “Carpe Diem” theme AKA “No, I’m not going to call you again. Deal with it.”

Lyrical Genius (Vol. 5)

Romeo Santos, my next offender, has really only committed a minor infraction with his lyrics for “You,” but I thought I would share. This is one of the top songs on my fab. tropical beats stations that I listen to all the time and I always kind of liked it – it’s kind of romantic but get’s weird when he breaks out into whispering in English… “You need this in your life” “You make me complete.” Whatever.

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Anyway, just recently I started really listening to it and there are a couple very awkward lines in it that I would like to translate for you:

“Y tus fluidos son el néctar
Que mi lengua
Saborea Cuando hay sed”

..

TRANSLATION

..

“And your fluids are the nectar that my tongue savors when I’m thirsty.”

..

Um, gross. I don’t approve of the word “fluids” when talking about sex. I mean I know they are a big part of the act, but do we really have to talk about bodily fluids? When you get technical that way, it just sounds gross.

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“No hay errores en tu ser
Y como Dios no se equivoca
Te prefiero 100% en desnudez”

..

TRANSLATION

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“You have no flaws, and since god makes no mistakes, I prefer you 100% naked.”

..

I mean, that’s kind of nice. But when you say “I prefer you 100% naked” in a really romantic tone, it sounds a little funny. That’s just me.

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Lyrical Genius (Vol. 4)

Got a few new choice lines for you….

“Fast Lane” by Eminem and Royce da 5’9:

“And I hope that I don’t sound too heinous when I say this
Nicki Minaj, but I wanna stick my penis in your anus”

Ummm I’m pretty sure you couldn’t sound any more heinous. This might be the grossest lyric I have ever heard and if I were Nicki I would not be flattered. The rest of the song is not much better, but this line is the worst!

I actually happen to like these next two songs, but they both share a common theme that’s a little messed up…

“Dirt Dancer” by Enrique Iglesias:

“She’s 5 when she drinks

but she’s a 10 when she’s on top of me”

..

“My Last” by Big Sean feat. Chris Brown:

“She a 7 in the face, but a 10 in the ass
She even look better by the end of my glass”

And last but not least, I can’t believe all this time I have been forgetting about my very favorite absurd lyric ever! I must give props to Usher for the sexiest pick up line on the face of the earth. There’s no way any girl could resist this:

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“I ain’t gonna be here long, girl
I’m tryin’ get you home and get your clothes off
Skeet, skeet a couple off and then you doze off” – “Hot Tottie” by Usher

..

Lyrical Genius (Vol. 3)

This morning Nicole Scherzinger was the guest on one of the radio stations I listen to – can’t remember which one. She was there to promote her new single “Right There” and to get a couple plugs in for her Burberry rain coat and I believe her shoes were Fendi (?). Who cares, Nicole; it’s radio we can’t see your outfit. Anyway, they played her new song. I usually hate any songs by her, and this is not really an exception. It’s catchy and all but what this trend for completely over-sexed lyrics all the sudden?

I get it, sex sells. And I am not saying not to write sexually explicit lyrics especially for dance songs. But there is a point when you cross the line from sexy innuendo to just crude. I’m sorry, but I don’t find this to be particularly alluring:

“like the way that you talk dirty
Don’t wash your mouth out I like it dirty
You like to please yeah I like that yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it
I like the way that you keep me coming
That yeah you so good you had me running
Me like the way that he goin’ down down down down down”

First of all, you can’t rhyme “dirty” with “dirty;” it’s the same word. And “you keep me coming,” “the way he goin’ down.” Gross. This is all a little too specific for me. Where’s the mystery? I’m getting a very clear picture of what is going on.

And if the lyrics weren’t so lewd, I would probably assume that a seven-year old wrote them.

“Come here baby and be my baby
And be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah yeah yeah
oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah

Me like the way that you hold my body
Me like the way that you touch my body
Me like the way that you kiss my yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it
Me like the way that he put it on me
Me like the way that he push up on me
Me like the way that he goin’ down down down down down”

How many times can you say “yeah” and “me like” in one song? Apparently like a billion times. Oh well, maybe I’m being too harsh. It is Nicole Scherzinger we’re talking about here…