A letter to Charlotte, Beyonce and US Airways

Dear the 3 of you,

I’d like to share a story:

I had a lovely week of seclusion on an island where the median age is 70, the speed limit everywhere is 25 mph and everything shuts down at 10:00 p.m. So I was very well-rested and refreshed by the time Saturday rolled around and it was time to come home to reality. That did not last.

We had an hour layover in Charlotte before heading to La Guardia on a 10:00 p.m. flight, so I bought some string cheese and sat down at the gate. 10:00 came and went and we were all still sitting there. Luckily I was sitting across from a Taylor Lautner look-alike so I occupied myself Googling him to find out where in the world he was. Turns out he was in NYC (go figure), so it couldn’t have been him. But I still think it was – he had a Louis Vuitton bag; no normal guy would carry a Louis Vuitton backpack, have long hair, and wear brass knuckles unless they were a werewolf, obviously.

Taylor was sad about the flight too.

Anyway, at 11:00 they finally told us we could not fly to La Guardia because of a curfew….It’s 10pm do you know where your plane is? Not at La Guardia. So they said we could fly to Newark. I mean, gross… New Jersey, but fine whatever. When people started complaining that we had been sitting on the plane without moving for 20 minutes, a flight attendant came over and told us in his North Carolina twang that the flight was late because the flight attendants had been arguing for an hour with the pilot over a urine stench coming from the bathroom. The pilot said he didn’t care – use the pee plane. So now, the pilot was unfit to drive the plane….because he had exceeded his maximum hours of flight for the day…

They never found a new pilot, so they canceled the flight at midnight and told us we could stay in lovely Charlotte for the night and fly out in the morning. What they meant by that was they would give us a voucher for a discounted hotel room that didn’t exist because all the hotels were booked. Beyonce was in town. But, we were welcome to spend the night in baggage claim….As if I wasn’t already so OVER Beyonce.

I was fuming and having visions of sleeping on the conveyer belt on top of strangers’ duffel bags, so I called every hotel in the area until I found one 20 minutes away that had open rooms.

Now what?

Me?

One $30 cab ride later we were at the Marriott in the heart of Charlotte across from a Hooters. And by “we” I mean myself, my parents and my 18-year-old sister. Of course my mom was ravenous and said we had to drop our bags off upstairs and then head to Hooters. In the elevator we ran into some ladies from our flight and told them how the only reason there weren’t any closer hotels available was because of Beyonce. That actually cheered them up. “Beyonce’s my gurrrl!!!”

Hooters was closed, we were told by a man who stumbled out the door and mumbled something about a “curfew.” What is with curfews? It’s 1:00 a.m. do you know where you’re going to eat? Not Hooters.

So we walked over to “The Epicentre.” This is a three story ring of bars, clubs, late-night food, CVS and CBS studios where the people of Charlotte get WILD. I don’t know if everyone was just high off Beyonce’s energy, but the crowd was rowdy. And I’ve never seen so much side boob, under boob, top boob, side ass, under ass etc. in my life. It’s also a mecca for bachelorette parties.

The Epicentre

“So good, you’ll forget your manners.”

I can definitley see how this place could be a good time, but I was too tired and sober to handle it. I was also too tired and sober to handle seeing my dad, the only middle-aged white person in basically the whole city, waiting in line for pizza at 1:30 a.m. with all the drunk people. One girl ran up to him and asked him “Do you think they have any meat lovers’ pizza?” They did; it was on the menu. Of course in the meantime, my mom befriended a schmoozy speed boat salesman that kept dropping names and F-bombs. She thought he was cute – for me. Thanks, mom.

This is also where all the Pokemon have gone

Anyway, after hitting the town, we slept for 3 hours and eventually made it to the beautiful Garden State. Thanks for a great night.

XOXO

Twilight is real: true story

So you probably thought Twilight was a fictional story what with its vampires and werewolves. Well, you’re wrong. There is evidence that Jacob and his wolf pack are real and they are currently wreaking havoc all over Washington state. Read for yourself in this story that Ally found:

“A pack of dogs has killed about 100 animals in the past three months in northeastern Washington state while eluding law enforcement and volunteers.

Officers have tried to track the pack but had little success because the dogs seem to hunker down during the day and move only at night, Stevens County Undersheriff Lavonne Webb said Thursday.

“We’ve only had one or two sightings during daytime hours,” Webb said in a telephone interview from Colville.

In their most recent attack, the dogs killed a 350-pound llama earlier this week. They’ve also killed other farm animals, including goats.

Authorities are warning residents to take whatever steps are necessary to protect their families and animals because the dogs appear to be killing for fun rather than food. No humans have been attacked, but officers fear that could happen.” – HuffPost

You know why they can’t find the dogs? Because they turn into Taylor Lautner whenever cops get close.

But why so angry Jake? Is it because you didn’t get that much air time in the Breaking Dawn trailer? Or because Edward and Bella are finally getting married? You already knew that, bud. Maybe it’s because Robert Pattinson kissed you in public and you’re ashamed. Don’t be. That pretty much makes you the luckiest man alive. In any case, I beg of you Jacob, stop killing animals! It’s mean!

In other crazy animal news, elephants are in attack mode in India and there’s a moose on the loose in Sweden breaking into retirement homes. Did I mention the world is ending?

- Elephant kills security guard in Mysore, India (AP) -

Hells yeah I’m marking my calendar

OMG Edward and Bella are getting married on November 18!

What’d I Miss?!

Sunday was my birthday so I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards because I was busy getting presents. But apparently I really missed out. Seems that my main man Robert Pattinson stole the show with some tequila-induced antics including an uncensored f-bomb and a man-on-man kiss (mid-day margarita/s, Rob)?

I can’t believe I missed that beauty getting so much air time! Hopefully I’ll catch a re-run.

– International Business Times (click for more pics) –

Here’s a re-cap written by someone lucky enough to have watched it:

“If you tuned into the MTV Movie Awards Sunday — sorry, I meant the Robert Pattinson show — you know everyone’s favorite teen vampire was on a tequila-fueled roll.

Pattinson locked lips with “Twilight” costar Taylor Lautner and said some generally odd things during his many trips across the stage, including an an uncensored f-bomb while introducing actress Reese Witherspoon.

“I didn’t cut you out, but I did (bleep) you,” he said about their roles in the film “Water for Elephants.”

(Hey, look, MTV — my censorship button is working just fine.)

Pattinson was cut from a scene in a Witherspoon movie years ago.

Wonder what’s going on with good-old Edward? Here’s what he said of his behavior while presenting Witherspoon with an MTV Generation award: “Tequila is like a Lay’s potato chip. It’s impossible to have just one.”

I guess that explains that.

Pattinson’s behavior got stranger as the show progressed. At first it was just an awkward interaction with actress Bryce Dallas Howard while accepting an award for best fight scene in the movie “Eclipse.”

“I ripped your head off,” Pattinson said. “And now you’re pregnant.”

In the audience, his “Twilight” costar Kristin Stewart covered her face in embarrassment.

After Pattinson and Stewart accepted an award for best kiss,” Pattinson declined an on-stage smooch.

“I just think there’s someone else in the audience who will appreciate it a little more,” he said.

Then Pattinson jogged out to the audience and planted a wet one on on-screen nemesis Taylor Lautner.

Let’s not blame Pattinson. Let’s blame MTV for letting him spend so much time on stage.” – Hot Topics