Grammy Awards 2013: Quality Entertainment

Despite opening with the dumbest performance by the dumbest performer in recent history (I’m talking about Miss T. Swizzle), last night’s Grammys were awesome. Although I could have done without hearing “Suit & Tie” 900 times during the show and the commercial breaks.

My performance was sepia-toned

Back to Tay Tay for a minute. First off, what was the “Academy” on when they decided “We are never ever everrrr getting back togetherrrrr” should be a contender for ANY award? Second of all, I don’t understand or appreciate the circus-themed performance. Third of all, she used a British accent in her performance, clearly mocking whats-his-face from One Direction. Stop publicly calling out all your exes, Taylor. No one is ever on your side – everrr everrrr.

I’d rather look at the clown. And your hair looks stupid.

Another slightly confusing yet totally mandatory performance was Bruno Mars and Sting together singing that Police Bruno Mars song, “Locked Out of Heaven.” I’m really glad we got it out of the way and acknowledged that the song was a rip-off, but the two of them together is uncomfortable.

Eew.

Then there was that poor kid Hunter Hayes who kept getting nominated for things and #notwinning anything. I don’t know who you are beyond deducting that you are country music’s Justin Bieber, but I’m sorry that you lost everything, and that even when they let you perform on a scratched up piano they only gave you enough air time for one verse. #hunterhayesproblems

Dresses:

Obvi Ri-Ri was the night’s winner for the second Grammys in a row. Massive forehead and abusive boyfriend aside, she looked gorgeous in her red dress.

I still love 2012’s pre-underboob-tattoo black dress.

I also loved her 70s getup for the Bob Marley tribute. Although I was ready for some serious nip slips every time she lifted her arms in that crop-top.

Kimbra looked like a fairy, and I liked it.

Kimbra

Florence Welch looked like Reptar, and I didn’t like it.

Reptar

Then there was Carrie Underwood and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamdress (p.s. I thought I was really clever coming up with this reference – turns out the rest of the word did too…). When she first stepped on stage I was a little appalled that she chose to re-wear 2005’s junior prom during her performance, but I was willing to forgive. Then I was confused when weird squiggles started appearing on the skirt – and then I was right back at appalled when scenery and roses were projected onto her. Finally, sweet relief when the dress took flight in the form of one hundred monarch butterflies – and it was all over.

That’s the ugliest effing dress I’ve ever seen

I was confused again when the crowd gave her a standing ovation, but then this guy looked straight into the camera and validated my horror with a look that says “Did you see that? Seriously?” This guy stole the show:

Also, when I die I’d like to be reincarnated as Mavis Staples.

Mah gurrl, Mavis

Early millennium chic jams are back

We all feel bad for Michelle, right?

So everyone has heard the big announcements from Justin Timberlake and Destiny’s Child. In case you live under a stupid rock, the news is that Justin Timberlake is releasing a new album, and in an aggressive move, Destiny’s Child also announced a new album – which kind of trumps his because they’ve been broken up for so long. Also, Justin’s new song features Beyonce‘s hub Jay-Z – it’s just one big web of early-millennium sensations.

I was disappointed, though, when I realized Destiny’s Child’s CD is just a greatest hits – or love songs – compilation or something dumb. They are including one new song called “Nuclear.” This round goes to JT for releasing all new songs and not being lazy.

I recall being called crazy when I was the only girl in middle school who did not have a crush on this….

I listened to both new songs and I’m a little confused by how much I don’t enjoy them. They are both kind of smooth-jazz funk – and boring. What a buzz kill. I WAS excited for the renaissance of 1998.

Listen to Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie” HERE

Listen to Destiny’s Child’s “Nuclear” HERE

“Friends with Benefits”: Save Your Money

After rave reviews from friends and critics, I went against my better judgment and decided see Friends with Benefits with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. When I first heard of the movie, I had the same reaction as most people: “didn’t they just make this movie?” I never saw No Strings Attached, so I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty confident that the two movies have the same. exact. plot.

Anyway, because people were telling me it was funny and different from what I would expect, and because I’ve always liked Mila Kunis, I gave Friends with Benefits the benefit of the doubt. (I should have listened to the Betches. I almost always agree with them!)

Here’s the thing: if I had gone to see it simply because I was bored or whatever, I would have no complaints. It was exactly what I expected it to be – just a cutesy romantic comedy. It’s not the best one I’ve ever seen, but also not the worst. However, because I went into it with expectations of being pleasantly surprised by its hilarity and uniqueness I feel compelled to explain why I was not at all pleasantly surprised by either of those things.

First of all, it has the most predictable plot line of all time. Spoiler alert: being just friends with benefits doesn’t work out; they fall in love at the end (shocking). Second of all, the acting was, at best, sub-par.

When the movie started, I began to get annoyed with Mila. She comes into the movie as a quirky, cute-in-a-clumsy-way fast-talking New Yorker. She’s the typical “romcom” heroine – pretty girl with strange and endearing habits. I thought, “great she’s going to irritate me the whole movie and I’m not going to like her anymore.” As the movie went on, though, and we got to know her character, Jamie, I warmed up to her. She did a good job of showing the evolution of her character and letting the audience see how vulnerable Jamie really is. Her performance is believable and relatable: she’s totally confident and put-together until a man comes around and makes her revert to a swooning love-struck fairy tale character.

However, while Mila becomes increasingly more enjoyable to watch, Justin became increasingly more painful to watch. After a great performance in The Social Network, and a semi-funny role in Bad Teacher, I was beginning to like him as an actor. But he really blew it with this movie. Maybe he just couldn’t handle playing an average guy, but his character, Dylan, comes off as just totally annoying. Whereas Jamie evolves throughout the movie, Dylan stays basically the same. I think the idea was for him to seem like a really cool big-shot in the beginning and slowly become more vulnerable as we find things out like that he has issues with his family, and has a fear of heights and math. But he just seems kind of nerdy from the beginning, and all these little bits of information don’t come off as cute. I just didn’t really get his character.

So, now that I have ripped the movie apart, I will give it some credit. Especially since, like I said, it’s not so bad in comparison to other movies of it’s kind. There are a few good parts.

- Patricia Clarkson and Mila Kunis-

My favorite being any scene with Jamie’s mom played by Patricia Clarkson. A crazy hippy-nomad, she bursts in on Jamie and Dylan and immediately starts throwing out hilarious one-liners. “I’m hungry, where’s the gin?” I laughed straight through her entrance scene. Also funny is the fake romantic comedy that Jamie and Dylan watch and compare their experiences to. The fake movie stars Jason Segel and Rashida Jones so naturally, anything Jason Segel touches is funny.

Richard Jenkins plays Dylan’s father, who is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer. More than the love story, the story of Dylan and his sister’s struggle to take care of a father who is well aware that he is slipping away is definitely touching.

All in all, sorry to those who really loved the movie, but my advice is: don’t pay $11.00 to see a movie with no plot twist. Wait a few months and rent it on Netflix when you’re bored at home and there’s nothing on Bravo.

Missed JT by 3 days!

Apparently Justin Timberlake was on Greenwich Ave. in Greenwich, CT yesterday. I’m a little bummed because that’s 15 minutes away from my job, and sometimes I go down there to take a stroll. I chose Monday this week to do so…why didn’t I pick Thursday?!

“As word spread Thursday that Justin Timberlake was part of a group hoping to revive the social networking website MySpace, apparently the singer/actor was not at the company’s Beverly Hills offices, but on Greenwich Avenue, buying a protein shake.

Timberlake was spotted at Greenwich Healthmart at 30 Greenwich Ave. late Thursday morning. Healthmart manager Herb Young said he got Timberlake’s autograph for his niece, and that the pop star was as nice as can be.

Two years ago it was rumored Timberlake had bought a house in Conyers Farm, but there haven’t been any sightings of him reported since.

Timberlake — who fittingly portrayed Napster founder Sean Parker in “The Social Network” — joined Specific Media in buying MySpace for $35 million, a small fraction of the $580 million that Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. paid for the social networking site six years ago.” – Greenwich Time

- Greenwich Ave. -

P.S. Why is Justin Timberlake trying to revive MySpace?

“Bad Teacher,” Good Time

I had a great Sunday yesterday: frying myself out by the pool all day, followed by margaritas with the ladies and then the movies to see “Bad Teacher.”

The movie was the perfect ending to a relaxing Sunday. It’s funny but definitely not in the same league as some of Jason Segel‘s other movies like “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” or “I Love you Man.” Still, it’s a good mix of vulgar humor and just a tad of cuteness – the loser in school does not end up getting the hot girl, but the gym teacher does land the bad-ass sex-pot teacher. And unlike most Cameron Diaz movies, it’s not a chick flick.

In fact, I really liked Cameron as a blunt, manipulative bitch instead of her usual role of ditzy blond trying to get the guy. Elizabeth, Cameron’s character’s main goal in the movie is to save up enough money to get a boob job so she can bag a rich husband and never have to work as a teacher another day in her life. She sets her sights on the new substitute teacher and heir to a watch fortune played by Justin Timberake. Unfortunately, not only is he absolutely weird, but he falls in love with Elizabeth’s arch nemesis and total nutcase, Ms. Squirrel played by Lucy Punch. In the end, though, Jason Segel, the lowly gym teacher, wins Elizabeth over.

The main cast of Cameron, Justin, Jason and Lucy is definitely a good combo, but there are some hidden-gem performances and cameos. First off I didn’t even realize until almost half way through the movie that Eric Stonestreet who plays the lovably gay Cameron in “Modern Family” plays Elizabeth’s weirdo biker-dude roommate in this movie.

My favorite character in the whole movie is Lynn played by Phyliss Smith who plays Phyllis in “The Office.” Lynn, a teacher at Elizabeth’s school, is sweet and insecure and always plays by the rules, but she idolizes Elizabeth and tries to be like her right down to standing with her hand on her popped hip.

And here’s what “Bad Teacher” can claim: It officially contains the most awkward sex scene I have ever seen in a movie – a graphic dry-humping session.