Gaga frolics with Housewives at Hearst Castle

gagaguybirdI know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).

Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.

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B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.

lady-gaga-rhobh-guy-videoKim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.

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Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.

I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.

And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.

lady-gaga-video-01Other thoughts:

The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.

Kanye's bird vs. Gaga's bird

Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird

Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).

screen-shot-2014-03-24-at-10-11-33-amAlso, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.

ttlBabySunRisingThe one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

 

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The Milania Show

rhonj-milaniafallEveryone knows Real Housewives of New Jersey came back last night, and picked up right where it left off. My brother, my sister, you’re dead to me, you’re garbage, I’m not a stripper…etc. etc. If they don’t start talking about something other than the Giudice/Gorga feud soon – well I will probably just keep watching it…but I’ll be less into it.

Anyway, I give round 1 of this season to the Giudices because anything and everything that was hilarious in last night’s episode came from one of their mouths. First off, Gia is unfortunately looking more and more like her father, and apparently Teresa takes all her life advice from her. I mean it’s totally possible that an eleven-year-old is smarter than Teresa, but probably not her own spawn.

Mom, let me do this. I'm really good with words. Remember that song I wrote for Milania?

Mom, let me do this. I’m really good with words. Remember that song I wrote for Milania?

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I was too tired to stay up for the whole episode, so I missed the Milania/Antonia play date. I’m sure I missed a lot of good one-liners because Milania has a magical way with words. How can we forget “Gimme pizza, you old troll,” and “you’re not a cooker, you’re a hooker.”

rhonj-pizzayouoldtrollLast night her best one-liners were actually cute like her running around in heels screaming “you’re not giving these babies away. They’re the prettiest things evaaaaa.”

It’s pretty clear where the girls inherited their talent for the spoken word. Teresa is a published author and knows big words like “ingredientses,” and Joe can be really poetic too. Like when he quotes “that song. We’re all dust in the air.”

Sidenote: how do they all look THE SAME?

Teresa, Milania, Too far?

Teresa, Milania, Too far?

Mission: Infiltrate Bravo TV

I’ve met Ramona from NYC, and had her retweet me…

photo[1]I almost met Andy Cohen on Thursday in Union Square. I checked Twitter and saw that he’d be in Union Square at 7:00 and I was like “Omg Andy Bravo, I will ALSO be there at 7:00,” but the line to meet him was way too long and I was getting hungry so I passed. BUT I was in the same building at the same time and heard his voice through the loud speaker…

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See more photos at Greenwichtime.com

Then I sent a photographer to cover an event Yolanda from Beverly Hills was at and SHE tweeted at me too (2 housewives down).

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No there’s no typo….

My point is: I’m taking over Bravo.

Wait, where’s Jill?

Real Housewives of New York debuted its new wives last night and I’d like to start off by saying that RHONY is quickly establishing itself as the uggo of the franchise. I know that’s super mean, but come on, these new ladies are kind of beat compared to the glamorous wrecks of Beverly Hills for example.

RAMONA!

Anyway, I’m not going to waste time talking about the veteran housewives because they’re pretty much the same. Ramona is still a complete lunatic, LuAnne is still a raging bitch, and Sonja still may or may not always be high on prescription drugs. This episode set up Ramona to be the villain of the season, which is too bad because I don’t think Ramona is mean – just out of her mind. And LuAnn should probably stop worrying so much about Ramona and think about how her daughter put on an Apocalypse-themed art show on a sunny day in the Hamptons.

I didn’t catch the episode in its entirety, but here’s what I did gather about the new wives:

Aviva seems to be pretty normal and down to earth – well normal aside from the fact that she has a fake leg that she gets pedicured. It’s interesting to see though – not something you usually see on TV. And I couldn’t tell she had one until she whipped out the third leg at the nail salon. The other weird thing with Aviva is that both LuAnn and Sonja may or may not have dated her ex-husband, and they are both so nonchalant about it. In what world is that not awkward? Also, she has a really weird face but then sometimes she looks like Claudia Schiffer so it’s confusing. I think I might like this Aviva.

Heather, on the other hand I do not like. She thinks she’s high and mighty because she designs shapewear. Everyone and their mother on Bravo designs shapewear. Also, she got so offended because Mario basically told her to shut up, but she really was interrupting him. She has an attitude and I don’t care for her. Then end. Oh, and her opening quote includes “Holla.”

Then there’s little tiny Carole. I missed a chunk of the show, so I may have missed her part but from what I did see she seems soft-spoken and pretty harmless. She’s a princess and a journalist, so I think I like her. She also has a weird face, though. What’s with that?

Side note: Ramona’s Hamptons house could eat all of the RHONJ shore houses.

** More ‘Housewives’ News

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I thought about it and I would like to retract my last post about Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Kyle Richards. I changed my mind and decided that her sitcom idea could be genius. Yes, it’s a little narcissistic of her to think that people care about her enough to watch her real life played out on TV and then flip the channel to watch her fake life played out on TV. But then again, people (like me) probably will.

If done correctly, a parody of the Real Housewives phenomenon could be a gold mine; no one has done it yet. At first I was just caught up in the fact that she just wanted to make the Kyle Richards show. But if she focuses on making fun of herself and the show, it could be really funny. And if they cast people to play the other housewives, it will probably cause drama on RHOBV.

Kyle, I’m sorry I didn’t see your vision the first time.