“Mean Girls” turns 10 today, and there really isn’t much to say except I feel super old and gross.
It feels like it was just yesterday the world’s eyes were collectively opened to Tina Fey’s genius, Rachel McAdams’ bad wig and Lindsay Lohan’s only notable work post “Parent Trap.”
But then at the same time, I can’t remember far back enough to imagine a time when no one knew who invented the Toaster Strudel or how to not be a regular mom. I just have a lot of feelings about this birthday.
We all struggle with unflattering photos that make us look super chub. Until now I thought it was a hopeless cause – we’re all doomed to suffer from photographic arm fat, right? Wrong. The geniuses at Who What Wear have provided us with AMAZING tips for looking thin in photos (thanks to Lady A for alerting me to this). Since they already used the most visually-effective display on their slideshow….
I will use photos of Beyonce to illustrate some of their finer points. Whoever said these photos are “unflattering,” must not have known about the rules because Bey followed them to a T:
Put Your Hand on Your Hip
Don’t Tightly Press Your Arms to Your Body
Keep Your Chin Up and Out
Pull Your Shoulders Back
Experiment With Selfies to Find Your Best Angle
Add a Filter
Slightly Twist Your Body to the Side
Avoid Bulky Clothing
Wear Dark Clothing
I just feel like….was this slideshow an April Fool’s Day joke? Who What Wear was created by former ELLE Magazine editors. I hope an intern did this.
I know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).
Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.
B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.
Kim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.
Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.
I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.
And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.
Other thoughts:
The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.
Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird
Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).
Also, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.
The one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”
I now know every movie that has filmed scenes in Connecticut. Since I’m full of so much knowledge and I spent 9 hours putting this together, I’ll share my masterpiece: Movies filmed in Connecticut
It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.
Clearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:
“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”
Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.
And then, as with all things that start with Anne Hathaway, my eyes glossed over… so I’ll back track to dresses.
Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.
Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!
Thank God that motorcycle cop was there
Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.
The sorrow in Jen’s eyes
Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.
Whoopie Goldberg borrowed Julia Roberts’ grandma dress and it was….not cute.
Matthew Mcconaughey, his wife and his mom floated to the red carpet on a cloud of beauty.
Lady Gaga was there? And in a normal (albeit ill-fitting) dress?
Pharrell wore shorts like an idiot.
And of course the talk of the town, Lupita, looked like Cinderella in a beautiful blue princess dress.
Everyone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):
But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.
Inside the show, Ellen took an epic selfie, ordered pizza and then asked celebs to pay for it.
Lupita’s brother? Way to get front and center in the best photo of all time – you win.
To pizza guy: “Who’s your favorite movie star? They’re here. Who you want to talk to?”
My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.
At least they have each other
And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!
What is she thinking?? This better be for a movie, role and that movie role better be worth it.
OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:
And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:
“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”
On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”
Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”
“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”
“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”
It was a tragedy for SNL when Kristen Wiig left, and now Seth Meyers and his cute puppy eyes are leaving. But it was announced today that SNL’s head writer will replace Seth. His name is Colin Jost and he is/was dating Rashida Jones – I didn’t really look into it beyond this one photo.
Colin + Rashida 4evr?
I’m excited just because he is responsible for probably the most hilarious skit on the show since Stefon left. Drunk Uncle.
I expect to see more. I need something to watch when I’m bored now that Mindy’s on hiatus.
In honor of the Disney Company turning 90 today, I volunteered to put together a historical timeline/photo gallery for work because I have an obsession. It took FOREVER, so look at it!
I also contemplated watching that weird horror movie that was shot secretly inside Disney parks, and surprisingly spared a law suit by Disney. But then I watched the trailer and decided it was way too bizarre – and rude. Bad things do NOT happen at Disney World – except for that one time I went in July and passed out waiting in line.
So instead of wasting my time on that garbage, I wasted it on this garbage:
When I first heard Melissa Joan Hart wrote a tell-all-book called “Melissa Explains it All,” I thought YES. Reading that. After all, MJH was one of my childhood idols – she was so trendy on “Clarissa Explains it All,” and so magical on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” But the more I hear bout this book, the more I’m like come on Meliss, just because you weren’t the most popular of the early-millennium stars doesn’t mean you have to go reverse Mean Girls and write a burn book about the cool kids.
On Trend.
She calls Jerry O’Connell a “man whore,” and talks about that one time Ashton Kutcher hit on her but she totally blew him off.
Well, Ashton Kutcher was/is wildly more successful than you and now dates Mila Kunis who was/is also wildly more successful than you sooo…there’s that.
She also calls out Paris Hilton for offering her cocaine once, and Paris Hilton’s like “that was ONE time!”
There’s more:
She calls James Van Der Beek ugly. “Her first onscreen kiss was with James Van Der Beek—even though she had begged the producers to cast anyone but him, since she didn’t think he was attractive.”
And talks about how much Ryan Reynolds wanted her even though she had a boyfriend, and says he smelled too much like hair product. – TIME
Oh, and she was also the first person to sneak Britney Spears into a night club. Congratulations, you were at the forefront of her eventual demise – and you never told anyone because you are such a good friend!
In conclusion, I’m disappointed to report that MJH is a mean girl. She’s a bitch.
Apparently CT people are just crazy about the Hoff. Crazy enough to put a Cumberland Farms employee in critical condition. I have never actually been to a Cumberland Farms, so I can proudly say this did not happen in or around my hometown. It happened in Shelton…who even lives there?
“Life-sized cutouts of David Hasselhoff have been getting stolen from Cumberland Farms convenience stores, with the latest incident happening in Shelton, Connecticut. On Tuesday, Aug. 20, two life-sized cutouts of the former Baywatch star were stolen at the convenience store — and a 36-year-old employee was injured in the resulting melee.” – Us Weekly
Anyway, I guess Us Weekly found it ammusing and grabbed the story from the CT Post. Thanks for the page views, guys!
I obviously like to keep up with Miley Cyrus’ latest video ventures, so I watched this Big Sean video starring half-naked Miley and some roses. I thought she might have a part in the song at some point, but clearly, it makes more sense to just have her move sexually in slow motion without actually singing. I mean, now that I actually say it, it kind of does make sense because her voice is not cute.
But still, why Miley? I’m so sick of her.
Moving on, Lady Gaga is back. Congratulations. Since her last album came out I decided she’s the worst, but I wanted to see what kind of weirdness she came up with. At first I thought the video for “Applause” was pretty tame for Lady Gaga.
She wears a hand bra, a really ugly Mad Hatter outfit…
…and then turns into a #pone. But it’s still not that disturbing.
But then….remember when she hatched out of an egg at the Grammy’s that one time? Well she does it again, but this time she looks like this:
Quotable movies from the 2000s
Mid-day Margarita 