Gaga frolics with Housewives at Hearst Castle

gagaguybirdI know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).

Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.

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B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.

lady-gaga-rhobh-guy-videoKim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.

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Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.

I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.

And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.

lady-gaga-video-01Other thoughts:

The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.

Kanye's bird vs. Gaga's bird

Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird

Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).

screen-shot-2014-03-24-at-10-11-33-amAlso, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.

ttlBabySunRisingThe one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

 

Lyrical Genius (Vol. 7)

I haven’t done one of these in a long time mostly because I’ve been listening to HOT 97 for so long now that nothing really offends me anymore. But there’s been one line that’s been sticking out to me lately and it belongs to lyrical genius, Kanye West. In my book, Kanye’s words are the only words to live by.

“Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.”

Um, I know. Totes.

- Last night was maaaad real -

- Sunglasses and Dunk's"

So let’s explore some other hidden gems in the song “No Church in the Wild” by Kanye West feat. Jay-Z and Frank Ocean.

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“Cocaine seats
All white like I got the whole thing bleached
Drug dealer chic”

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Jay-Z is a classy guy, especially now that he knocked up Beyonce and started the next royal family. He’s also been around for a while so he knows what’s up, and “drug dealer chic” – that’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Becoming a famous rapper, I mean. It’s the skill of maintaining street-cred while having a carpeted bathroom with a golden tub. Diamond encrusted grills, tinted windows, pin-striped suits, Rocawear: sooo drug dealer chic.

- Drug dealer chic -

- Drug dealer chic -

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“Coke on her black skin made a stripe like a zebra
I call that jungle fever
You will not control the threesome
Just roll the weed up until I get me some
We formed a new religion
No sins as long as there’s permission’
And deception is the only felony
So never f-ck nobody wit’out tellin’ me
Sunglasses and Advil
Last night was mad real
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Sounds like last night was definitely mad real. I was hungover from a couple glasses of pinot the other day, so props to Kanye for popping an Advil and getting on with his morning after that party. Question: is he talking to a girl of his when he says “never f-ck nobody wit’out tellin’ me”? Or is that a general statement to the public? One of the 10 commandments of Kanye, maybe – right after “Thou shalt not date women with hair” and “Taylor Swift sucks.”
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- "Thou shall upstage models by looking better in women's clothing" -

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“Sun comin’ up, 5 a.m.
I wonder if they got cabs still
Thinkin’ ’bout the girl in all-leopard
Who was rubbin’ the wood like Kiki Shepard
Two tattooes, one read ‘No Apologies’
The other said ‘Love is cursed by monogamy’
That’s somethin’ that the pastor don’t preach”
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- Kiki Shepard -

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What kind of lame city doesn’t have cabs at 5 a.m.? Or is that more of an existential question, like he did so much coke off that girl that he doesn’t know how much time has passed? Do cabs still exist, is this real life?
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I don’t know who Kiki Shepard is.
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No, the pastor does not preach “Love is cursed by monogamy,” he actually preaches “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” And we’re back to the 10 commandments of Kanye, which you can find in their entirety tattooed onto Kiki Shepard’s body.
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“I think he was kind of a…”

Time Magazine editor, Mark Halperin, has been suspended from his position as an analyst for MSNBC. Why? Because he called the president “kind of a dick”on live TV. I feel kind of bad for the guy – he thought there was a delay and he was just trying to be honest. Still, I guess there are more eloquent ways of expressing displeasure with the president’s behavior (<— like that, for example). Oh, well give him a break. Obama has a sense of humor, he called Kanye West a jackass didn’t he?

Shizz gets awkward 40 seconds in….

End of the World Margarita

So, tomorrow is the end of the world and I couldn’t let the cowboy post be my last recorded words in this life.

So I thought long and hard about my final words and I think my best bet is to let Kanye West’s lyrics speak for me because they really capture the essence of life, explore the existence of God and encourage us to appreciate the little things on this earth:

“I told her beauty is why God invented eyeballs. And her booty is why God invented my balls.”