Oscars 2014: Ellen wins

Best dressed

It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.

Clearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:

“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”

Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.

And then, as with all things that start with Anne Hathaway, my eyes glossed over… so I’ll back track to dresses.

Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.

Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!

Thank God that motorcycle cop was there

Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.

The sorrow in Jen’s eyes

Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.

Whoopie Goldberg borrowed Julia Roberts’ grandma dress and it was….not cute.

Matthew Mcconaughey, his wife and his mom floated to the red carpet on a cloud of beauty.

Lady Gaga was there? And in a normal (albeit ill-fitting) dress?

Pharrell wore shorts like an idiot.

And of course the talk of the town, Lupita, looked like Cinderella in a beautiful blue princess dress.

Everyone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):

But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.

Inside the show, Ellen took an epic selfie, ordered pizza and then asked celebs to pay for it.

Lupita’s brother? Way to get front and center in the best photo of all time – you win.

To pizza guy: “Who’s your favorite movie star? They’re here. Who you want to talk to?”

My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.

At least they have each other

And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!

What is she thinking?? This better be for a movie, role and that movie role better be worth it.

OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:

And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:

“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”

On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”

Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”

“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”

Some Oscar slideshows:

Winners and Losers

Red Carpet

American Hustle: An in-depth look into Amy Adams’ sternum

I finally saw “American Hustle” (for free thanks to my pirate friend). I went into it with a tainted perspective thanks to a friend telling us how much it sucks (thanks Pat). I, however, did not think it sucked.

I thought it was hilarious, and I was completely entertained the whole time thanks to great acting, 70s music, outrageous outfits and an over-the-top plot line. It’s one of those plot-twist movies that has you trying to figure out the end the whole time, and that’s really what drives the movie.

You don’t really get to like the characters mostly because they are awful people, but also because we only get a bare-bones look into why they are the way they are. But that kind of doesn’t matter – all that matters is that they are all screwed up, and they spend the movie screwing over un-screwed-up people.

Earlier this week I criticized Jennifer Lawrence for this faux pas:

But she redeemed herself in my eyes by being the best part of “American Hustle.” She seems like a pretty intelligent person, but she kills it as an idiot.

She should really do more comedy. Her shining moments include a long monologue about the smell of her nail polish, setting a “science oven” on fire, and a lip-sync performance of “Live and Let Die” in front of her son while dusting the house that really gave me a glimpse into my future self. I will 100% make my children watch me sing and dance.

Louis C.K. is underrated as Bradley Cooper’s poor boss who get’s the brunt of Brad’s insanity. And speaking of, I’m a little tired of him playing the crazy card. He’s definitely a good actor, and this movie is no exception (his hair is also awesome/nasty), but we’ve already seen him do this kind of thing in Silver Linings Playbook. And again, speaking of, have Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence signed a friendship pact that they will only do movies together? They have another one coming out about the Depression of something.

Amy Adams and Christian Bale are both equally good as the lead roles, despite how repulsive Christian managed to look.

In conclusion, great movie. I expect a supporting actress win for Jen (I’m on a first-name basis with all of Hollywood), and maybe a best screen play.

2014 Oscar Nominees

Golden Globes: I only care about the dresses

The Golden Globes were somewhat entertaining last night. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler made fun of George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton sang a creepy song for Woody Allen, Bono snubbed P. Diddy, and “Gravity” is apparently a good movie? Still not seeing it.

Diane in a pant suit? Shocker

Anyway, the dresses:

– Some girl named Lupita from “12 Years a Slave” was all the rage in her cape dress. Yes, it’s a good dress – but Gwyneth kind of already did that.

– Olivia Wilde showed us the right way to be pregnant

– Drew Barrymore showed us how to look like a puffy Valentine’s Day card. She also announced that she has spent the last 20 years taking pictures of “heart shapes” in different things and publishing them in a book….

– Emma Watson looked perfect, and I’m loving her black-tie reinterpretation of the skort.

– Zoe Saldana wore this hideous thing, and basically told E! that she only wore it because her friend made it for her

– This happened, woops:

Emma Roberts, Sofia Vergara

I love both dresses, but the chunky blue throws me off…why is it a thing?

– My girlfriend looked good – and she’s Australian, who knew?

Margot Robbie

– I know she’s America’s sweetheart and all that right now, but I’m sorry – Jennifer Lawrence looked disgusting. I give her worst-dressed because, as the biggest star of the year she should know better. She managed to find the single most unflattering silhouette, and then she paired it with awful lipstick and random green earrings?

– Luckily for their movie, Amy Adams channeled the “American Hustle” vibe and looked a hundred times better.

– At least Jen redeemed herself by ruining Taylor Swift’s moment

Adele has an Oscar

Adele is my age and she has a million Grammys, and an Oscar and a husband and baby….I found a surprise $20 in my wallet this weekend.

Anyway, the Oscars last night were kind of boring and Seth MacFarlane was really awkward and not funny so I didn’t stay up for the whole thing, and I missed Argo win and Jennifer Lawrence fall.

What I did see is Kristen Stewart arrive hung over and on crutches with bruises on her arms. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe her presenting was so bad because she’s on pain killers for her mysterious injury, but I know it’s more because she just don’t curr. A shower wouldn’t kill you though, girl.

Sup, girl?

I also saw Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy accept the award for the worst hair duo ever, Catherine Zeta Jones got wild on stage and Anne Hathaway regrettably won an award for being Mis.

Speaking of Anne Hathaway, let’s talk about her early millennium un-chic dress. It was nasty, and her hair is nasty (Charlize owned her in the man hair department). I just don’t understand why anyone would choose a dress that looks like something your mom made for you to wear to prom in 1997 in the most unflattering color of all time. Also, stop accentuating your sad drooping shoulders.

Looking at her makes me sad.

On the Jennifers: I just want to mention that people thought Jennifer Aniston’s dress was boring, and they’re right. But I thought it was nice to see her in a ball gown instead of a slinky dress with strappy sandals.

Jennifer Lawrence won best actress and fell up the stairs on her way to accept. I like her more and more every time. Her dress was okay, but it kind of looked like a couch. her dresses have been pretty boring this award season.

When is she going to bring this back?

Then there were a lot of sparkles, which is always good.

More recap HERE

‘Silver Linings Playbook’

Since Jennifer Lawrence seems to be SO in right now, I wanted see what all the fuss is about and went to see that drama about two crazy people. I expected it to be good since everyone is raving about it, but what I didn’t expect it to be was sweet and uplifting. I also wasn’t aware that Julia Stiles is in it. She fittingly plays someone annoying.

It’s a character-driven movie, so the acting is very important, and everyone nails it. Now I understand all the acting awards.

Raisin Bran

The story is about two people who have lost everything including their minds for the most part. But they get each other’s weird, and accept each other’s explosive anger issues. It was refreshing to see a movie that tackles such dark issues, but ends happily and with hope.

Bradley Cooper:

Bradski suffers from bi-polar disorder and Stevie-Wonder-induced episodes of rage. After 8 months in a mental institute, he moves back in with his adorable mom and his dad, Robert De Niro, who has extreme OCD. But he likes to spend all his time dancing with Katniss.

Jennifer Lawrence:

You can’t outrun her; she’s Katniss

Jen looks like she’s 17, is actually 22, but according to the movie, old enough to have been married for 3 years. She is now completely depressed and messed up because her husband died. She slutted it up for a while, but now she aspires to be a ballroom dancer and run around with Bradley Cooper.

Anyway, just go see it. You’ll leave the theater happy, and you’ll be able to participate in Oscar-related conversations.

The Games of Hunger

I joined the masses and read and watched The Hunger Games. The book was entertaining (reminiscent of Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery”), and only took me two days to read, and I really liked the movie too.

I saw Stanley Tucci at the airport once - we're friends.

Here are some things I liked about the movie:

– Katniss looks like my sister.
– The movie stays true to the book.
– I didn’t realize Elizabeth Banks and Woody Harrelson are in it.
– Stanley Tucci is hilarious with his blue hair and his laugh.
– The sponsors send Katniss body glitter to heal her burns – def. an essential survival tool.
– District 12 looks like the 1930s.
– Liam Hemsworth is hot.

Oh hey, Liam...

Things I didn’t like:

– Jennifer Lawrence with her bodacious body is the last person I would believe to have led a life of starvation.

So emaciated...

– Lenny Kravitz is weirdly sexual as Cinna.
– People die.
– Peeta is cute, but too short for Katniss.
– Liam Hemsworth is dating Miley Cyrus.

Someone wishes Jen wore flats.