Love, MTV Spring Break ’00
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I pay homage to my paler side with pros and cons of being Irish.
1. We’re light on our feet
3. Drunk uncle is not just an SNL character
5. We’re made out of marshmallows and magic
1. Pasty pink skin, yum
2. Irish food is terrible…I don’t mean the disgusting things I found Googling Lucky Charms:
I mean this:
3. Your last name is so boring and common that on St. Patrick’s Day, the idiot bar tenders can’t even keep track of all the same-name tabs and they give your card away to someone else who probably lives in Hoboken (I know you live there, Michael Ryan, and I know you have my credit card).
4. You had nightmares thanks to those little laminated prayer cards with frightening biblical images on them. I’m pretty sure I used the Angel of Death as a bookmark for most of middle school.
5. Our mouths are too small for our teeth
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!
To get into the holiday spirit, I’m going to tool on my mom (out of love of course).
Through the years, one of the most exciting parts of Christmas morning has become, not finding out if I got what I wanted, but finding out what I never knew I never wanted. This is because my mother is the worst gift-giver of all time. It’s not that she’s lazy or not thoughtful – she just has an uncanny ability to buy bizarre presents.
5. Ice Scraper
In her defense, this has come in handy many times. In my defense, most boring gift ever.
4. Onesie Snow Suit
This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing except I was 15. And anyone who has known me since before I was born should know that never have I ever voluntarily played in the snow.
I made the mistake of introducing my mom to the Twilight series. Because of that mistake, I am the proud owner of 2 movie guide books, trading cards, holographic bookmarks, an Edward Cullen doll, and this movie. “Robsessed” is a series of interviews from people who once sat down next to Robert Pattinson at a bar, or did the high school play with him one year, or may have passed him on the street.
2. “Lord of the Rings” DVD
I know a lot of people are into this wizard nonsense, so this might seem like a great gift. Well it’s not. It’s like giving Victoria Beckham a burger, or Miley Cyrus pants, or Gretchen Weiners hoop earrings.
1. Brown Corduroy Bin
My father has a very high tolerance for my mom’s bad gift-giving, and luckily for their marriage thinks it’s funny. But even he couldn’t hold back “what the hell is this” when his grand gift was an empty brown bin. My mother responded with uncontrollable laughter. I’m thinking it might all be a sick joke on us.