This is where I left you…

I’m back! I took an extended summer vacation to build slideshows of hot dogs, but I decided to give that a rest and do something more meaningful like talk about a movie I saw yesterday.

this-is-where-i-leave-you-trailer

I wanted to see “This is Where I Leave You” for two reasons:

1. I started reading the book, but then I burned it so I never found out what happened (I didn’t join a Bible cult, it was an accident).

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I guess I could have used context clues to guess what happened in the corners of the pages.

2. Jason Bateman, Tina Fey, Jane Fonda and the guy from “Girls” sounded like a promising cast. I was wrong.

Since I only read half the book I can’t say whether the movie does it justice, but if it does I’m glad my scented candle took a bite out of it. This movie was BLAND.

The plot is simple: Jason Bateman’s wife cheats on him and his life is falling apart. Then his dad dies and his whole dysfunctional family has to sit Shiva at mom’s house. All their problems come to the surface and they reconnect as siblings, how sweet. It’s simple, but has potential especially with a good cast.

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I don’t know if it’s the director’s fault, or the author’s fault for attempting to write his own screenplay, but it feels like someone had a checklist of “how to make a movie funny and heartfelt.” It was just completely unoriginal – you know those scenes where everyone is arguing and talking over each other until it just becomes noise and then the sound starts to fade away and the main character is left in quiet reflection? That happened like 80 times.

And how do you make Tina Fey unfunny? She was totally annoying, boring and completely unlikable in this movie. In fact, everyone was unfunny; every joke falls flat. The only remotely funny part is Jane Fonda’s massive boobs. (Of course, I should tell that to the woman sitting two rows down from me who clearly does not get out much because she could not contain her laughter….so some people will like this).

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Rose Byrn plays Jason Bateman’s figure-skating love interest, and her character is super weird and makes no sense.

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Some guy who I thought was Eric Camden from Seventh Heaven, but is actually just no one, plays a brain-injured neighbor who Tina Fey used to date – and that’s awkward.

Why do I know this man?

Why do I know this man?

Even Dax Shepard is half sedated the whole movie – although the one time I actually laughed out loud was when he tells Tina Fey she’s too old to rock a middle part. And speaking of, the women in this movie were way too perfectly coiffed for it to be believable that they’re living out of a suitcase at their mom’s house for seven days.

Dad's dead. That's no excuse to leave the curling iron at home.

Despite being annoyed by his giant face and body, the only person I enjoyed in this movie was Adam Driver from “Girls.” He’s the only one who brings something original and plays around with the delivery of his lines (I mean that could just be a result of his weird voice, but still). But even his acting couldn’t save some of his scenes from being forced – like when he drives up to the funeral blasting DMX or something else so obviously inappropriate.

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Basically I walked out of the theater and instantly forgot I just watched a movie. I recommend waiting for it to air on HBO…or read the book and let me know what happens in the inner corners.

Happy Birthday Mean Girls!

Even the president quotes Mean Girls

Even the president quotes Mean Girls

“Mean Girls” turns 10 today, and there really isn’t much to say except I feel super old and gross.

It feels like it was just yesterday the world’s eyes were collectively opened to Tina Fey’s genius, Rachel McAdams’ bad wig and Lindsay Lohan’s only notable work post “Parent Trap.”

But then at the same time, I can’t remember far back enough to imagine a time when no one knew who invented the Toaster Strudel or how to not be a regular mom. I just have a lot of feelings about this birthday.

tumblr_inline_n36i1sLlzm1r2hgp1Quotable movies from the 2000s

 

Throwback movie: ‘The Ice Storm’

Recently I’ve been into re-watching movies that I loved as a child – and I’ve come to the realization that I was seriously disturbed (and not because I ever wore orange).

h69C775F2My friends were concerned about me when I insisted Eve’s Bayou – a movie about a little girl who wishes her father death by the power of voodoo because he cheated on her mother and molested her sister – was a great movie when I was a kid. But I was still in denial that I was a normal child.

The Ice Storm

The Ice Storm

When I painstakingly combed through movies filmed in Connecticut, I was reminded of The Ice Storm, another one of my old favorites. It takes place and is filmed in New Canaan, CT and features a super star-studded cast: Christina Ricci, Tobey Maguire, Elijah Wood, Katie Holmes, Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver, Allison Janney, the mom from The Notebook, the kid from Jumanji, the elf from The Santa Clause, the list goes on and on.

Anyway, I decided to reminisce and watch it because, again, I LOVED this movie. It made me want to go back in time and shield my baby 10-year-old eyes.

Here are some super kid-friendly moments (and by that I mean the whole plot):

the-ice-storm_l21. Christina Ricci’s dad is having an affair with the Sigourney Weaver. Christina is 14 and she hooking up with Sigourney’s son, Elijah Wood.

526895-icestorm__1_2. While waiting in the house for Sigurney, Christina’s father catches her fondling Elijah and wearing a Nixon mask. Then he tells her he doesn’t really care and carries her home.

SO

SO

BIZARRE

BIZARRE

3. Christina Ricci insists on getting naked with Elijah’s younger brother (so he’s like 12..)

slide_2534_35858_large4. The mom finds out that her husband, Kevin Kline, is having sleeping with Sigourney, yet they go to a swingers party with Sigourney and her husband. Mom ends up having sex with Sigourney’s husband in the car while Kevin Kline is puking in the bathroom.

Ladies, pick your man

Ladies, pick your man

5. Kevin Kline drives home in the ice storm that night and finds Elijah Wood dead in the road after being electrocuted.

ice346. He brings the kid home to the neighbor’s house where his daughter is naked with a small child, his wife is hanging out with his mistress’ husband, and the mistress is asleep upstairs.

7. Meanwhile his son, Tobey Maguire, is in the city taking prescription drugs with Katie Holmes and the elf.

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8. The movie ends with the whole family – mom, dad, Christina and Toby – in the car and Kevin Kline starts crying into the steering wheel.

FIN

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Knowing too much about things like Jane Fonda

Nature of the job….

I now know every movie that has filmed scenes in Connecticut. Since I’m full of so much knowledge and I spent 9 hours putting this together, I’ll share my masterpiece: Movies filmed in Connecticut

Also, my first brush with fame happened thanks to movies in CT.

Fame?

Hey Heigl

I also know too much about Jane Fonda’s life, so you might want to educate yourself on that too.

Oscars 2014: Ellen wins

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Best dressed

It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.

ev2DuFxClearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:

“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”

Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.

lupita-winAnd then, as with all things that start with Anne Hathaway, my eyes glossed over… so I’ll back track to dresses.

Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.

Untitled-2Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!

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Thank God that motorcycle cop was there

Thank God that motorcycle cop was there

Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.

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The sorrow in Jen’s eyes

Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.

Untitled-fabWhoopie Goldberg borrowed Julia Roberts’ grandma dress and it was….not cute.

86th Annual Academy Awards - ShowMatthew Mcconaughey, his wife and his mom floated to the red carpet on a cloud of beauty.

McConaugheyWin1Lady Gaga was there? And in a normal (albeit ill-fitting) dress?

rs_634x1024-140302172525-634.lady-gaga-oscars-030214Pharrell wore shorts like an idiot.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????And of course the talk of the town, Lupita, looked like Cinderella in a beautiful blue princess dress.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

Screen shot 2014-03-03 at 12.16.29 PMEveryone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):

Kate-Hudson-Oscars-2014But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.

Lupita-Nyong’o-In-Prada-Oscars-2014Inside the show, Ellen took an epic selfie, ordered pizza and then asked celebs to pay for it.

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Lupita’s brother? Way to get front and center in the best photo of all time – you win.

To pizza guy: "Who's your favorite celebrity? They're here."

To pizza guy: “Who’s your favorite movie star? They’re here. Who you want to talk to?”

My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.

At least they have each other

At least they have each other

And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!

article-2571527-1BFA22ED00000578-318_634x825What is she thinking?? This better be for a movie, role and that movie role better be worth it.

OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:

And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:

“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”

On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”

Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”

“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”

Some Oscar slideshows:

Winners and Losers

Red Carpet

All about Winona

People have been making a big deal about the 20th anniversary of Reality Bites. I had never seen it mostly because I was 6 in 1994, but also because I thought I hated Winona Ryder.

But once I really thought about it (for like 5 minutes), I realized I don’t hate Winona. In fact, I’m kind of all about her. Some of the best movies of my childhood star Winona. So I watched Reality Bites, and now I’ll give you my top Winona movies starting with one of my all-time favorite movies starring anyone..

1. Great Balls of Fire

lfThis movie used to be on HBO all the time when I was little and I used to watch it multiple times a week. I loved scandalous movies, so a plot line involving a 13-year-old marrying her adult cousin was right up my ally.

great_balls_of_fireI also dreamed of living in the house Jerry Lee Lewis buys her.

Can I have it?

Can I have it?

2. Mermaids

tumblr_kr18t734BY1qzoaqio1_500My first memory of this one is asking my mom if I could rent it because I thought it was actually about mermaids. It’s not – it’s about a girl who wants to be a nun but thinks she’s pregnant after making out with a bus driver. Even better.

tumblr_moo5q70tBK1s634wno1_500Also it has a great soundtrack because Cher is in it. And baby Christina Ricci is always good.

3. Edward Scissor Hands

Adorbs?

Adorbs?

I was (kind of still am) weirdly obsessed with modular homes and 60s suburbs, so I mainly liked this movie because of where they live. But also a good “Beauty and the Beast” story never fails. And blonde Winona is a nice change.

Can I have the "Great Balls of Fire House in the Edward Scissor Hands neighborhood?

Can I have the “Great Balls of Fire” House in the “Edward Scissor Hands” neighborhood?

4. Reality Bites

realitybitesI actually really liked this movie. It’s directed by Ben Stiller and it’s super 90s, which is so in right now. It’s basically about people freaking out after they graduate college – still relevant. rb30

Were people actually obsessed with pizza and Big Gulps at the time? Or is it just a Texas thing?

5. Heathers

dd6a1b37de8962061c4d68dd05e8fd07This movies is a little too weird even for me, and I hate Christian Slater a lot. But it’s still good in a really morbid way. Who thinks of making a movie about teenagers that accidentally make suicide a trendy thing to do?

Heathers6. Little Women

No one cares, Jo

No one cares, Jo

This may be the movie that made me think I hated Winona. Jo is so annoying – but whatever it’s a classic and Kirsten Dunst is one of my favs.

7. Beetlejuice

Vom

Vom

I don’t like Beetlejuice. I only added it to this list because I was asked if I was named after the girl in Beetlejuice my entire childhood. It did come out the same year I was born, but obviously not. My parents aren’t freaks.