I’m so ahead of the trends

As you all should know, I had an awesome Dallas adventure back in May and fell in lust with the city. Well, they may have been a little slower on the uptake than I was, but Bravo has discovered Dallas. “Most Eligible Dallas” premiered last night and I had to watch it just so I could say “Omg I’ve been there!”

- "We're just friends, but you sould probably not talk to any other girls. Ever." (Bravo) -

It’s basically the same as any other reality show, and it doesn’t really have much to do with the actual city. The show follows around a group of six single Dallas socialites and whatever you call male socialites. As with any successful reality show, you find yourself wondering why you care at all about these people, yet you can’t stop watching because you just HAFTA know why Courtney is crying in the bathroom of the sushi restaurant.

Speaking of, Courtney Kerr seems to be the main “character” just judging by the first episode. The show will follow her obvious crush on her best friend Matt Nordgren. They are “just friends” and OMG they would never go there, yet she throws a hissy fit anytime he’s with another girl. Hello plot line.

Besides Courtney and Matt, there’s Glenn Pakulak who is really dumb and superficial, but likable because he’s just so simple. Drew Ginsburg is gay and he loves cars and used to be really fat. Now he injects himself with a female hormone produced during pregnancy in order to help keep his weight off, a fact that I think needed waaay more explanation on the show. You can’t just throw that out there and pretend it’s not weird.

Then there are the two blondes, who look weirdly similar when you watch the show. Tara Harper loves big hair, being engaged and, above all, dogs. Neill Skylar is a 23-year-old single mom and the bane of Courtney’s existence because she has a child and went out on a Wednesday night – it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s Matt’s new bff.

- Zimbio.com -

Anyway, the show is really not that great, but what else is on Monday night?

Unfortunately  I will not be heading back to Dallas next month as planned, but maybe it’s for the best. That city is getting sooo mainstream.

In other Bravo news, Beverly Hills Housewife, Taylor Armstrog’s estranged husband committed suicide. In the wise words of my biffle: “Bravo ruins lives.” (I still love you, Andy).

Country Music?

- Taylor Swift, New Jersey 2007 -

I have never liked country music, and I definitely would not call myself a country music fan. However, I am recently finding myself enjoying some twangy tunes. It may have all started about four years ago when I was talked into going to a Faith Hill and Tim McGraw concert (free ticket, why not). The opening act was a new teenage country singer from Pennsylvania who was starting to get some buzz – that’s right, good old Tay Swift before she made it big.

Anyway I picked up some songs I liked from that concert. That must have left a dormant soft spot for country music in me that was awoken in light of a recent trip to Texas. And that’s my theory for why I have not been switching the dial on the country station lately.

Here are some of my old and new favorites in no particular order. Please excuse the cheesy music videos – that’s just how they roll in cow country.

“Boys from Texas are not what’s up. Boys from Texas with money are what’s up.”

– Words of wisdom from John lax bro of Katonah (of all places). He writes poetry with drawings and does “lots of things.”

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I’m back at work in gloomy, rainy, cold CT wishing I was hungover by the pool in Dallas forcing bread down my throat in hopes that it will soak up last night’s tequila shot. But those (2) days are gone, so I will relive my glorious weekend by sharing some Dallas, TX truisms that I learned during my short stay.

- the classiest of t-shirts -

1. Texans are better than we are. It’s so true what they say about North-easterners being total bitches and d-bags; we are. People in Texas are super nice and friendly. They will always be happy to talk to you, and you should be happy to talk to them because their accent will make you fall in love. Even the people working at the airport are nice! I thought it was required that you have a bad attitude if you want to work at an airport. Also, percentage-wise, Texans are significantly better looking than people over here.

2. Texas is huge. I know, obviously, but it didn’t really hit me until I was flying over San Antonio and still had an hour left until we got to Dallas.

3. Cab drivers get super sassy when you pay with a credit card. This is because they don’t have card swipers in their cabs so they literally have to make carbon copies of your credit card. Get with the program Dallas, the world almost ended this weekend and you still haven’t gotten around to credit card swipers?

4. Cab drivers get super sassy when you say you are in Dallas for pleasure not business. “Where is the pleasure in Dallas?” Way to sell the city…and p.s. cabbie, there is plenty o’ pleasure in Dallas.

- child-size hats don't fit ally -

5. After a night out, you will get an inexplicable urge to run up broken escalators in high heels and vandalize the displays in your hotel. You will also call the bar you just left and leave a voice mail in a thick Texas accent and think it was flawless.

6. You will struggle with the concept of “push vs. pull.” This is somewhat understandable given that red means ‘cold,’ and blue means ‘hot’ in the shower…?

7. Now this is solely going off of my one trip to Dallas, but based on the evidence I have collected there is a 100% chance that there will be a cheerleading competition happening in your hotel.

8. They ride mechanical bulls.

9. People wear cowboy hats and belt buckles with eagles on them, and say “ya’ll” A LOT – they are not joking about it.

10. You can go to the mall, go ice skating, eat dinner, swim in a pool and be an accountant all in the same building.

11. Drinks in Texas have magical hang over powers – as in you WILL be hung over.

12. It’s hot.

13. There is a one-hour time difference.

- they do fit me -

14. You will be excited to meet cowboys, and you will. But you will also meet someone from a lame-ass town near where you are from. Even in Texas, the world is way too small.

15. You can choose between a bolo tie with a boot or a lone star.

16. If someone accidentally steals your camera, they will walk the city streets until they find you and safely return the camera to its rightful owner. They will be disappointed when they don’t get a kiss.

17. People frequently eat off plates in cabs.

18. “There is nothing ‘high school’ about college football.”

19. More often than not, people in Texas are celebrity look-a-likes. I met Michael Cera, Cee Lo Green, and Notorious B.I.G.

20. People actually think it’s exciting that you are from Connecticut.

21. They don’t know Alanis Morissette songs.

22. Again, this is only based on one trip, but there is a 100% chance that you will pay $18.00 for a cup of coffee.

23. But there is a 0% chance that you will not have fun.

Just a damnyankee fixin’ ta go to Texas

In preparation for my spontaneous weekend trip to Dallas I decided to look up some Texas colloquialisms. If I’m going to bang bag a cowboy I can’t be sounding like a yank.

I found a site from Rice University on Houston that lists a bunch of these terms and phrases: Texas Talk

- That's me in Texas -

Here are some that I think I may find useful this weekend:

Arbuckle: a synonym for coffee, when the Arbuckle brand was virtually the only one available.

Catty Whompus: used to describe something that doesn’t fit properly or is out of line.

Crusty: tough and/or bad tempered man, woman or horse.

Frog-strangler: an extraordinary amount of rain.

I’ll swan: used instead of “I swear.”

The friendly creature: 19th century term for whiskey.

Truck: food

Chester drawers: that piece of furniture you put your socks in.

Sayings:

Hidden in the basement like a crazy aunt.

Like the dogs was after him.

Cold as a well digger’s lunch pail.

I’ll let you know if people actually talk like that! See ya!