Throwback movie: ‘The Ice Storm’

Recently I’ve been into re-watching movies that I loved as a child – and I’ve come to the realization that I was seriously disturbed (and not because I ever wore orange).

h69C775F2My friends were concerned about me when I insisted Eve’s Bayou – a movie about a little girl who wishes her father death by the power of voodoo because he cheated on her mother and molested her sister – was a great movie when I was a kid. But I was still in denial that I was a normal child.

The Ice Storm

The Ice Storm

When I painstakingly combed through movies filmed in Connecticut, I was reminded of The Ice Storm, another one of my old favorites. It takes place and is filmed in New Canaan, CT and features a super star-studded cast: Christina Ricci, Tobey Maguire, Elijah Wood, Katie Holmes, Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver, Allison Janney, the mom from The Notebook, the kid from Jumanji, the elf from The Santa Clause, the list goes on and on.

Anyway, I decided to reminisce and watch it because, again, I LOVED this movie. It made me want to go back in time and shield my baby 10-year-old eyes.

Here are some super kid-friendly moments (and by that I mean the whole plot):

the-ice-storm_l21. Christina Ricci’s dad is having an affair with the Sigourney Weaver. Christina is 14 and she hooking up with Sigourney’s son, Elijah Wood.

526895-icestorm__1_2. While waiting in the house for Sigurney, Christina’s father catches her fondling Elijah and wearing a Nixon mask. Then he tells her he doesn’t really care and carries her home.

SO

SO

BIZARRE

BIZARRE

3. Christina Ricci insists on getting naked with Elijah’s younger brother (so he’s like 12..)

slide_2534_35858_large4. The mom finds out that her husband, Kevin Kline, is having sleeping with Sigourney, yet they go to a swingers party with Sigourney and her husband. Mom ends up having sex with Sigourney’s husband in the car while Kevin Kline is puking in the bathroom.

Ladies, pick your man

Ladies, pick your man

5. Kevin Kline drives home in the ice storm that night and finds Elijah Wood dead in the road after being electrocuted.

ice346. He brings the kid home to the neighbor’s house where his daughter is naked with a small child, his wife is hanging out with his mistress’ husband, and the mistress is asleep upstairs.

7. Meanwhile his son, Tobey Maguire, is in the city taking prescription drugs with Katie Holmes and the elf.

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8. The movie ends with the whole family – mom, dad, Christina and Toby – in the car and Kevin Kline starts crying into the steering wheel.

FIN

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Melissa Joan Hart’s burn book

When I first heard Melissa Joan Hart wrote a tell-all-book called “Melissa Explains it All,” I thought YES. Reading that. After all, MJH was one of my childhood idols – she was so trendy on “Clarissa Explains it All,” and so magical on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” But the more I hear bout this book, the more I’m like come on Meliss, just because you weren’t the most popular of the early-millennium stars doesn’t mean you have to go reverse Mean Girls and write a burn book about the cool kids.

On Trend.

On Trend.

She calls Jerry O’Connell a “man whore,” and talks about that one time Ashton Kutcher hit on her but she totally blew him off.

jerrypolWell, Ashton Kutcher was/is wildly more successful than you and now dates Mila Kunis who was/is also wildly more successful than you sooo…there’s that.

BURNShe also calls out Paris Hilton for offering her cocaine once, and Paris Hilton’s like “that was ONE time!”

parpo

There’s more:

She calls James Van Der Beek ugly. “Her first onscreen kiss was with James Van Der Beek—even though she had begged the producers to cast anyone but him, since she didn’t think he was attractive.”

jamespoAnd talks about how much Ryan Reynolds wanted her even though she had a boyfriend, and says he smelled too much like hair product. – TIME

Oh, and she was also the first person to sneak Britney Spears into a night club. Congratulations, you were at the forefront of her eventual demise – and you never told anyone because you are such a good friend!

In conclusion, I’m disappointed to report that MJH is a mean girl. She’s a bitch.

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Childhood’s winners and losers

Remember Ruthie from Seventh Heaven? Well apparently following in Topanga and Alyssa Milano’s footsteps, she posed for Maxim. But while Topanga and Alyssa have been rediscovered and given cover shoots because of their new shows, poor Ruthie is just doing it because….IMDB says she hasn’t been in anything since 2011?

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

In any case, despite this photo shoot, Jessica Biel is clearly the life winner of the Seventh Heaven crew, which brings up the question: which stars of childhood are winning in life and who peaked?

Let’s start with the Maxim ladies.

Seventh Heaven

Winner: Jessica Biel

Sweet bangs

Sweet bangs

I don’t really get why, but people still care about Jessica Biel and she is married to Justin Timberlake so she wins by a landslide.

Also Lucy still wears her on-set wardrobe.

This was taken this year...

This was taken this year…

Loser: Reverend Camden

0920_7thheavenThis was a tough one because the entire rest of the cast is tied for loser. But I’m giving it to Reverend Camden because he was apparently in 2 episodes of Devious Maids, and that doesn’t seem like a very Christian show, Rev.

Boy Meets World

Winner: Topanga

topanga-maxim

Loser: Cory

tumblr_llzj4kwA021qii6tmo1_250Because he has gotten none of the sequel glory.

Charmed

Winner: Alyssa Milano

Alyssa-Milano-Maxim-cover-Actress-goes-braless-at-40She has her Maxim cover and she’s married to this guy on Mistresses, my new secret show.

brett_340_453Loser: Shannon Doherty

She’s on an Education Connection commercial….

Gilmore Girls

Winner: Melissa McCarthy

bridesmaids-melissa-mccarthy_610Who knew sweet-tempered Sookie was so hilarious and would become the most famous of the crew?

Loser: Milo Ventimiglia

Why would you ever choose Dean?

Why would you ever choose Dean?

A lot of the cast is doing alright. But remember Jess? I had a crush on him and wanted Rory to choose him over Dean, but she didn’t. And guess what happened to him? His good looks went to waste and at age 36 he has a credit as “frat boy Milo” in Grown Ups 2.

The OC

Winner: Tie, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody

adam-brody-rachel-bilson-the-oc-Favim.com-284627_largeBecause she’s still in things and he was just on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen – and his last name was Cohen on the OC. It’s all destiny.

Loser: Mischa Barton

article-2369784-1AE196DF000005DC-84_634x601Because she turned into a hot mess and the Daily Mail called her a dog walker.

That 70’s Show

Winner: Mila Kunis

I spy a clear winner

I spy a clear winner

Because everyone thought Ashton Kutcher was the winner, but then Mila went lesbo in Black Swan and got famous – causing Ashton to dump Demi and become half of Kelso and Jackie once more.

Loser: Laurie

(Update: So she died. I’m sorry I called you a loser, Laurie. RIP)

6a00d8341c630a53ef0167649a2b19970b-600wiAll That

Winner: Amanda Bynes

No, it's politics. "Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!" - @AmandaBynes

No, it’s politics. “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!” – @AmandaBynes

Sure, Keenan went on to be a star on SNL, which is just All That for adults, and Amanda is having a long-term public melt down…but who is more famous?

Loser: Kel

009Because everyone thought he died. But for the record, “Yogurl” was a way better skit than anything Keenan ever did.

Full House

Winner: John Stamos

john-stamos-yogurt-adYes, I know about the Olsen twins, and Bob Saget is like a household name, and yes Alanis Morissette wrote a song about Uncle Joey. But the Olsen twins do black magic, and Bob Saget is nasty and Uncle Joey was clearly an ass. Uncle Jesse, however, is looking fine in yogurt commercials.

Loser: Andrea Barber

DJ, your best friend...Woof

DJ, your best friend…Woof

To avoid being in bad taste, I did not award this to Jodie Sweetin. Instead this one goes to Andrea Barber because she played Kimmy Gibler…and nothing else.

Fresh Prince

Winner: Will Smith’s children

KarateKid_JadenWillow

You are so lucky The Fresh Prince is your dad.

Loser: Tatyana Ali

You could have made it bigger. “Day Dreaming” was so good.

Lady movie time

I had an ultimate lady weekend, which included bonding time over two great movies of yore.

The first one was Reese Witherspoon’s very first movie, The Man in the Moon. I bought this over the summer for $5 at Stop and Shop because I used to be obsessed with it when I was little. Why was I obsessed with it? Because I was a freak and I loved to watch only traumatizing dramas.

Worst sister ever.

Worst sister ever.

The movie follows 14-year-old Resse as she falls in love for the first time in 1950s Louisiana. But her older sister is a B and snatches up her man, which is bad enough, but after that the whole thing gets even more depressing. I won’t give it away, I guess.

What’s good about it: Reese looks exactly the same – and she has a partial nude scene, bold moves little Reese. Also, she’s a huge sassafrass.

cute-little-reese-oscar-reese-witherspoon-the-man-in-the-moon-Favim.com-97164

The second movie we watched I stealthily recorded off Lifetime because my roommates hadn’t seen it, which is a sin – I’m talking about Ghost, obvi.

Ghost Kiss. Nice.

Ghost Kiss. Nice.

Whoopi Goldberg is reasons 1-9 out of the 10 reasons you should see this movie if you haven’t already (idiot). Reason number 10 is the face Patrick Swayze makes when he sees his own dead body after being murdered by that fool Willie Lopez.

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Throwback movie: ‘The Mighty Ducks’

Yes, I watched “The Mighty Ducks” last night. I watched it because it was on TV, and it’s one of those movies that I say “I used to looove that movie,” but actually don’t remember anything about it. It’s one of the rare boy movies I liked when I was little like “The Sandlot.” But I do remember why I liked “The Sandlot.” Because it’s awesome.

somos_los_mejores_1992_4

Oh Coach Bombay, why is that your name?

Anyway, here are some possible reasons I found in my nostalgic experiment for why “The Mighty Ducks” holds a special place in my movie memory:

Pacey from “Dawson’s Creek” is Emilio Estevez’s annoying protege.

It’s full of racial and ironic humor – like how the black kid on the ice hockey team scores the first goal of the season.

the-mighty-ducks-original_crop_650x440

The 90s was all about making fun of fat kids.

Emilio Estevez is super lame and living way too far in the past. A traumatic moment from a hockey game when he was 10 years old has haunted his life and destroyed his character? Get over it, man. Then at the end he goes off and tries out for the minors? Again, get over it. And his German mentor needs to get over it too with his newspaper clippings of child hockey “stars” from 20 years ago. Also, is there really such a thing as a newspaper all about pee wee hockey? Everyone needs to GET OVER IT.

650

PETE!

It’s Danny Tamberelli’s movie debut, which is probably subconsciously why I loved “Pete & Pete” so much.

Emilio Estevez ends up with Pacey’s gross ginger mom, which is actually perfect because he’s gross too.

387144_1269374096410_400_300

Your hair looks stupid.

Wait, maybe it was the sequel, “D2,” that I was obsessed with….or D3?

Early millennium chic jams are back

47628790001_1878258537001_DestinysChild-Bootylicious-1447980

We all feel bad for Michelle, right?

So everyone has heard the big announcements from Justin Timberlake and Destiny’s Child. In case you live under a stupid rock, the news is that Justin Timberlake is releasing a new album, and in an aggressive move, Destiny’s Child also announced a new album – which kind of trumps his because they’ve been broken up for so long. Also, Justin’s new song features Beyonce‘s hub Jay-Z – it’s just one big web of early-millennium sensations.

I was disappointed, though, when I realized Destiny’s Child’s CD is just a greatest hits – or love songs – compilation or something dumb. They are including one new song called “Nuclear.” This round goes to JT for releasing all new songs and not being lazy.

justin-timberlake-1998-1

I recall being called crazy when I was the only girl in middle school who did not have a crush on this….

I listened to both new songs and I’m a little confused by how much I don’t enjoy them. They are both kind of smooth-jazz funk – and boring. What a buzz kill. I WAS excited for the renaissance of 1998.

Listen to Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie” HERE

Listen to Destiny’s Child’s “Nuclear” HERE

Cory and Topanga get old

If you didn’t think you were old, you were wrong. Cory and Topanga have a 13-year-old daughter and she will star in “Girl Meets World” on the Disney Channel along side Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel. It’s not that I don’t like the idea for the show – I think it’s cute – it’s just that first, “Friends” is on Nick at Nite and now a completely new generation of kids is going to love Corey and Topanga, but as the parents of their favorite new tween star, Riley Matthews. I think I’m having a quarter life crisis. Also, to the writers – Riley is not a good name for a human, it’s a good name for a dog.