Throwback movie: ‘The Ice Storm’

Recently I’ve been into re-watching movies that I loved as a child – and I’ve come to the realization that I was seriously disturbed (and not because I ever wore orange).

My friends were concerned about me when I insisted Eve’s Bayou – a movie about a little girl who wishes her father death by the power of voodoo because he cheated on her mother and molested her sister – was a great movie when I was a kid. But I was still in denial that I was a normal child.

The Ice Storm

When I painstakingly combed through movies filmed in Connecticut, I was reminded of The Ice Storm, another one of my old favorites. It takes place and is filmed in New Canaan, CT and features a super star-studded cast: Christina Ricci, Tobey Maguire, Elijah Wood, Katie Holmes, Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver, Allison Janney, the mom from The Notebook, the kid from Jumanji, the elf from The Santa Clause, the list goes on and on.

Anyway, I decided to reminisce and watch it because, again, I LOVED this movie. It made me want to go back in time and shield my baby 10-year-old eyes.

Here are some super kid-friendly moments (and by that I mean the whole plot):

1. Christina Ricci’s dad is having an affair with the Sigourney Weaver. Christina is 14 and she hooking up with Sigourney’s son, Elijah Wood.

2. While waiting in the house for Sigurney, Christina’s father catches her fondling Elijah and wearing a Nixon mask. Then he tells her he doesn’t really care and carries her home.

SO

BIZARRE

3. Christina Ricci insists on getting naked with Elijah’s younger brother (so he’s like 12..)

4. The mom finds out that her husband, Kevin Kline, is having sleeping with Sigourney, yet they go to a swingers party with Sigourney and her husband. Mom ends up having sex with Sigourney’s husband in the car while Kevin Kline is puking in the bathroom.

Ladies, pick your man

5. Kevin Kline drives home in the ice storm that night and finds Elijah Wood dead in the road after being electrocuted.

6. He brings the kid home to the neighbor’s house where his daughter is naked with a small child, his wife is hanging out with his mistress’ husband, and the mistress is asleep upstairs.

7. Meanwhile his son, Tobey Maguire, is in the city taking prescription drugs with Katie Holmes and the elf.

8. The movie ends with the whole family – mom, dad, Christina and Toby – in the car and Kevin Kline starts crying into the steering wheel.

FIN

Melissa Joan Hart’s burn book

When I first heard Melissa Joan Hart wrote a tell-all-book called “Melissa Explains it All,” I thought YES. Reading that. After all, MJH was one of my childhood idols – she was so trendy on “Clarissa Explains it All,” and so magical on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” But the more I hear bout this book, the more I’m like come on Meliss, just because you weren’t the most popular of the early-millennium stars doesn’t mean you have to go reverse Mean Girls and write a burn book about the cool kids.

On Trend.

She calls Jerry O’Connell a “man whore,” and talks about that one time Ashton Kutcher hit on her but she totally blew him off.

Well, Ashton Kutcher was/is wildly more successful than you and now dates Mila Kunis who was/is also wildly more successful than you sooo…there’s that.

She also calls out Paris Hilton for offering her cocaine once, and Paris Hilton’s like “that was ONE time!”

There’s more:

She calls James Van Der Beek ugly. “Her first onscreen kiss was with James Van Der Beek—even though she had begged the producers to cast anyone but him, since she didn’t think he was attractive.”

And talks about how much Ryan Reynolds wanted her even though she had a boyfriend, and says he smelled too much like hair product. – TIME

Oh, and she was also the first person to sneak Britney Spears into a night club. Congratulations, you were at the forefront of her eventual demise – and you never told anyone because you are such a good friend!

In conclusion, I’m disappointed to report that MJH is a mean girl. She’s a bitch.

Childhood’s winners and losers

Remember Ruthie from Seventh Heaven? Well apparently following in Topanga and Alyssa Milano’s footsteps, she posed for Maxim. But while Topanga and Alyssa have been rediscovered and given cover shoots because of their new shows, poor Ruthie is just doing it because….IMDB says she hasn’t been in anything since 2011?

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

In any case, despite this photo shoot, Jessica Biel is clearly the life winner of the Seventh Heaven crew, which brings up the question: which stars of childhood are winning in life and who peaked?

Let’s start with the Maxim ladies.

Seventh Heaven

Winner: Jessica Biel

Sweet bangs

I don’t really get why, but people still care about Jessica Biel and she is married to Justin Timberlake so she wins by a landslide.

Also Lucy still wears her on-set wardrobe.

This was taken this year…

Loser: Reverend Camden

This was a tough one because the entire rest of the cast is tied for loser. But I’m giving it to Reverend Camden because he was apparently in 2 episodes of Devious Maids, and that doesn’t seem like a very Christian show, Rev.

Boy Meets World

Winner: Topanga

Loser: Cory

Because he has gotten none of the sequel glory.

Charmed

Winner: Alyssa Milano

She has her Maxim cover and she’s married to this guy on Mistresses, my new secret show.

Loser: Shannon Doherty

She’s on an Education Connection commercial….

Gilmore Girls

Winner: Melissa McCarthy

Who knew sweet-tempered Sookie was so hilarious and would become the most famous of the crew?

Loser: Milo Ventimiglia

Why would you ever choose Dean?

A lot of the cast is doing alright. But remember Jess? I had a crush on him and wanted Rory to choose him over Dean, but she didn’t. And guess what happened to him? His good looks went to waste and at age 36 he has a credit as “frat boy Milo” in Grown Ups 2.

The OC

Winner: Tie, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody

Because she’s still in things and he was just on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen – and his last name was Cohen on the OC. It’s all destiny.

Loser: Mischa Barton

Because she turned into a hot mess and the Daily Mail called her a dog walker.

That 70’s Show

Winner: Mila Kunis

I spy a clear winner

Because everyone thought Ashton Kutcher was the winner, but then Mila went lesbo in Black Swan and got famous – causing Ashton to dump Demi and become half of Kelso and Jackie once more.

Loser: Laurie

(Update: So she died. I’m sorry I called you a loser, Laurie. RIP)

All That

Winner: Amanda Bynes

No, it’s politics. “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!” – @AmandaBynes

Sure, Keenan went on to be a star on SNL, which is just All That for adults, and Amanda is having a long-term public melt down…but who is more famous?

Loser: Kel

Because everyone thought he died. But for the record, “Yogurl” was a way better skit than anything Keenan ever did.

Full House

Winner: John Stamos

Yes, I know about the Olsen twins, and Bob Saget is like a household name, and yes Alanis Morissette wrote a song about Uncle Joey. But the Olsen twins do black magic, and Bob Saget is nasty and Uncle Joey was clearly an ass. Uncle Jesse, however, is looking fine in yogurt commercials.

Loser: Andrea Barber

DJ, your best friend…Woof

To avoid being in bad taste, I did not award this to Jodie Sweetin. Instead this one goes to Andrea Barber because she played Kimmy Gibler…and nothing else.

Fresh Prince

Winner: Will Smith’s children

You are so lucky The Fresh Prince is your dad.

Loser: Tatyana Ali

You could have made it bigger. “Day Dreaming” was so good.

Lady movie time

I had an ultimate lady weekend, which included bonding time over two great movies of yore.

The first one was Reese Witherspoon’s very first movie, The Man in the Moon. I bought this over the summer for $5 at Stop and Shop because I used to be obsessed with it when I was little. Why was I obsessed with it? Because I was a freak and I loved to watch only traumatizing dramas.

Worst sister ever.

The movie follows 14-year-old Resse as she falls in love for the first time in 1950s Louisiana. But her older sister is a B and snatches up her man, which is bad enough, but after that the whole thing gets even more depressing. I won’t give it away, I guess.

What’s good about it: Reese looks exactly the same – and she has a partial nude scene, bold moves little Reese. Also, she’s a huge sassafrass.

The second movie we watched I stealthily recorded off Lifetime because my roommates hadn’t seen it, which is a sin – I’m talking about Ghost, obvi.

Ghost Kiss. Nice.

Whoopi Goldberg is reasons 1-9 out of the 10 reasons you should see this movie if you haven’t already (idiot). Reason number 10 is the face Patrick Swayze makes when he sees his own dead body after being murdered by that fool Willie Lopez.

Throwback movie: ‘The Mighty Ducks’

Yes, I watched “The Mighty Ducks” last night. I watched it because it was on TV, and it’s one of those movies that I say “I used to looove that movie,” but actually don’t remember anything about it. It’s one of the rare boy movies I liked when I was little like “The Sandlot.” But I do remember why I liked “The Sandlot.” Because it’s awesome.

Oh Coach Bombay, why is that your name?

Anyway, here are some possible reasons I found in my nostalgic experiment for why “The Mighty Ducks” holds a special place in my movie memory:

Pacey from “Dawson’s Creek” is Emilio Estevez’s annoying protege.

It’s full of racial and ironic humor – like how the black kid on the ice hockey team scores the first goal of the season.

The 90s was all about making fun of fat kids.

Emilio Estevez is super lame and living way too far in the past. A traumatic moment from a hockey game when he was 10 years old has haunted his life and destroyed his character? Get over it, man. Then at the end he goes off and tries out for the minors? Again, get over it. And his German mentor needs to get over it too with his newspaper clippings of child hockey “stars” from 20 years ago. Also, is there really such a thing as a newspaper all about pee wee hockey? Everyone needs to GET OVER IT.

PETE!

It’s Danny Tamberelli’s movie debut, which is probably subconsciously why I loved “Pete & Pete” so much.

Emilio Estevez ends up with Pacey’s gross ginger mom, which is actually perfect because he’s gross too.

Your hair looks stupid.

Wait, maybe it was the sequel, “D2,” that I was obsessed with….or D3?

Early millennium chic jams are back

We all feel bad for Michelle, right?

So everyone has heard the big announcements from Justin Timberlake and Destiny’s Child. In case you live under a stupid rock, the news is that Justin Timberlake is releasing a new album, and in an aggressive move, Destiny’s Child also announced a new album – which kind of trumps his because they’ve been broken up for so long. Also, Justin’s new song features Beyonce‘s hub Jay-Z – it’s just one big web of early-millennium sensations.

I was disappointed, though, when I realized Destiny’s Child’s CD is just a greatest hits – or love songs – compilation or something dumb. They are including one new song called “Nuclear.” This round goes to JT for releasing all new songs and not being lazy.

I recall being called crazy when I was the only girl in middle school who did not have a crush on this….

I listened to both new songs and I’m a little confused by how much I don’t enjoy them. They are both kind of smooth-jazz funk – and boring. What a buzz kill. I WAS excited for the renaissance of 1998.

Listen to Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie” HERE

Listen to Destiny’s Child’s “Nuclear” HERE

Cory and Topanga get old

If you didn’t think you were old, you were wrong. Cory and Topanga have a 13-year-old daughter and she will star in “Girl Meets World” on the Disney Channel along side Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel. It’s not that I don’t like the idea for the show – I think it’s cute – it’s just that first, “Friends” is on Nick at Nite and now a completely new generation of kids is going to love Corey and Topanga, but as the parents of their favorite new tween star, Riley Matthews. I think I’m having a quarter life crisis. Also, to the writers – Riley is not a good name for a human, it’s a good name for a dog.

No Doubt’s back

I am the worst fan ever. Somehow I failed to be aware of the new No Doubt album coming out!

I have a suspicion it won’t be very good because while I love No Doubt, Rock Steady wasn’t exactly genius. But I’m still very excited. No Doubt might be my favorite childhood band – I was obsessed. They trumped Hanson, Jewel and even the Spice Girls in my book when I was little. Also, if I could be any famous person, it would be Gwen Stefani. I don’t usually think people are “cool,” but I just think she’s really cool….

Still cool

And, the No Doubt reunion concert was probably the best concert of all time – might even top the Spice Girls reunion (yes, I live in the past).

Reunion 2009

Anyway, the video for their new song “Settle Down” comes out Monday, which means I’ll be watching it online Tuesday morning because who even watches music videos on TV anymore? While I wait in anticipation, I’ll give you my top 5 No Doubt songs:

5. New– Return of Saturn

4. Happy Now – Tragic Kingdom

3. Just a Girl – Tragic Kingdom

2. Sunday Morning – Tragic Kingdom

And the #1 spot goes to “Don’t Speak.” Yes, it’s the obvious choice, but it’s not only my favorite no Doubt song, it’s one of my favorite songs ever.

1. Don’t Speak – Tragic Kingdom

*Honorable mention: “Too Late” instrumental version – a hidden track on Return of Saturn

Sounds of childhood (kind of)

This is a good movie for 11-year-olds, right?

I was in H&M last night anxiously awaiting my verdict from the sales guy (they did not have my size), when a familiar song came on. I was brought back to the summer my cousin Maggie introduced me to “These Days” by Nico, an old song that she had discovered on The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack. Unfortunately it wasn’t actually that song playing – it was some rap song sampling it, but it made me think about what a weird kid I was.

I had normal tween obsessions like glitter nail polish, Hanson and the Spice Girls. But I also had an odd streak. I would listen to that Nico song on repeat and watch the computer screen saver that would change shapes according to the music (remember?). I would also do this with the song “Playground Love” by Air, which brings me to my morbid tendencies. I liked “Playground Love” because it was the theme from the movie The Virgin Suicides – one of my favorite movies to rent for sleep overs with my best friend…appropriate.

I give you 2 bizarre theme songs to my childhood:

“Titanic” 3D: worth it

He saw it on a Nickelodeon once. (Probably "Kenan and Kel" or something)

I went to see “Titanic” in 3D last weekend. I wouldn’t usually rave about sitting in a theater for 3 and a half hours, but “Titanic” (or “Titano” and my little sister would call it) is worth it. When the movie came out, like every other girl, I was obsessed with it (and Leo). I got the soundtrack in my Easter basket, watched the double box-set VHS all the time and listened to Miss Celine every single day in my room. After all these years, though, the movie has become somewhat of a joke and “My Heart Will Go On” is an automatic “change the station, puhlease” song. But seeing it in its entirety again reminds you that it really is a good movie.

Look Rose, it's your boobs in 3D.

The 3D part of it is dumb. The glasses hurt my eyes and ears, and it doesn’t really add anything spectacular. The good thing about going is just seeing it on the big screen again and getting immersed in the story. It’s also a lot better to go see it when you’re not 9, seeing it with your mom and trying to strategically plan your bathroom break so that it coincides with the dreaded hand-on-window scene (I failed at that).

Baby Leo <3

Here are some things that stuck out the second time around:

– When Jack gets behind Rose so she can “fly” at the front of the boat, it’s romantic. When Jack does it to his Italian friend, Febreeze or something, it’s very homosexual…and also romantic I guess.

– Leo has absolutely no facial hair.

– The Irish friend, Tommy Ryan, has the same name as my dad.

– The third class party isn’t as wild as it once seemed – just a typical Saturday night.

– Why were people so skeptical of old Rose claiming that she was the girl in the drawing? The vain old biddie travels with dozens of old photos of herself that look exactly like the girl in the drawing.

– I still want Kate Winslet’s sparkly dress.

Love the dress. Love the party.

– The spitting scene is still gross.

– The Titanic explorer’s gold hoop earring and his nasty assistant with curly hair and glasses are the worst part of the movie.

Take that earring OUT!

– I still want to believe that Jack and Rose really did fall so madly in love in two days.

– The music made me cry.