Childhood’s winners and losers

Remember Ruthie from Seventh Heaven? Well apparently following in Topanga and Alyssa Milano’s footsteps, she posed for Maxim. But while Topanga and Alyssa have been rediscovered and given cover shoots because of their new shows, poor Ruthie is just doing it because….IMDB says she hasn’t been in anything since 2011?

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

Tied around the waist. Perfect.

In any case, despite this photo shoot, Jessica Biel is clearly the life winner of the Seventh Heaven crew, which brings up the question: which stars of childhood are winning in life and who peaked?

Let’s start with the Maxim ladies.

Seventh Heaven

Winner: Jessica Biel

Sweet bangs

Sweet bangs

I don’t really get why, but people still care about Jessica Biel and she is married to Justin Timberlake so she wins by a landslide.

Also Lucy still wears her on-set wardrobe.

This was taken this year...

This was taken this year…

Loser: Reverend Camden

0920_7thheavenThis was a tough one because the entire rest of the cast is tied for loser. But I’m giving it to Reverend Camden because he was apparently in 2 episodes of Devious Maids, and that doesn’t seem like a very Christian show, Rev.

Boy Meets World

Winner: Topanga

topanga-maxim

Loser: Cory

tumblr_llzj4kwA021qii6tmo1_250Because he has gotten none of the sequel glory.

Charmed

Winner: Alyssa Milano

Alyssa-Milano-Maxim-cover-Actress-goes-braless-at-40She has her Maxim cover and she’s married to this guy on Mistresses, my new secret show.

brett_340_453Loser: Shannon Doherty

She’s on an Education Connection commercial….

Gilmore Girls

Winner: Melissa McCarthy

bridesmaids-melissa-mccarthy_610Who knew sweet-tempered Sookie was so hilarious and would become the most famous of the crew?

Loser: Milo Ventimiglia

Why would you ever choose Dean?

Why would you ever choose Dean?

A lot of the cast is doing alright. But remember Jess? I had a crush on him and wanted Rory to choose him over Dean, but she didn’t. And guess what happened to him? His good looks went to waste and at age 36 he has a credit as “frat boy Milo” in Grown Ups 2.

The OC

Winner: Tie, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody

adam-brody-rachel-bilson-the-oc-Favim.com-284627_largeBecause she’s still in things and he was just on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen – and his last name was Cohen on the OC. It’s all destiny.

Loser: Mischa Barton

article-2369784-1AE196DF000005DC-84_634x601Because she turned into a hot mess and the Daily Mail called her a dog walker.

That 70’s Show

Winner: Mila Kunis

I spy a clear winner

I spy a clear winner

Because everyone thought Ashton Kutcher was the winner, but then Mila went lesbo in Black Swan and got famous – causing Ashton to dump Demi and become half of Kelso and Jackie once more.

Loser: Laurie

(Update: So she died. I’m sorry I called you a loser, Laurie. RIP)

6a00d8341c630a53ef0167649a2b19970b-600wiAll That

Winner: Amanda Bynes

No, it's politics. "Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!" - @AmandaBynes

No, it’s politics. “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!” – @AmandaBynes

Sure, Keenan went on to be a star on SNL, which is just All That for adults, and Amanda is having a long-term public melt down…but who is more famous?

Loser: Kel

009Because everyone thought he died. But for the record, “Yogurl” was a way better skit than anything Keenan ever did.

Full House

Winner: John Stamos

john-stamos-yogurt-adYes, I know about the Olsen twins, and Bob Saget is like a household name, and yes Alanis Morissette wrote a song about Uncle Joey. But the Olsen twins do black magic, and Bob Saget is nasty and Uncle Joey was clearly an ass. Uncle Jesse, however, is looking fine in yogurt commercials.

Loser: Andrea Barber

DJ, your best friend...Woof

DJ, your best friend…Woof

To avoid being in bad taste, I did not award this to Jodie Sweetin. Instead this one goes to Andrea Barber because she played Kimmy Gibler…and nothing else.

Fresh Prince

Winner: Will Smith’s children

KarateKid_JadenWillow

You are so lucky The Fresh Prince is your dad.

Loser: Tatyana Ali

You could have made it bigger. “Day Dreaming” was so good.

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