My little marg turns 3 today and officially enters the toddler stage. If she were on Toddlers and Tiaras she would definitely be the one that dressed up as a famous hooker.
But it’s still classy because it’s Julia Roberts
And by the time she’s 6, we’ll be looking and living life like this one:
Toddlers & Tiaras Star Isabella Barrett Is a Millionaire at age 6 – Us Weekly
We all struggle with unflattering photos that make us look super chub. Until now I thought it was a hopeless cause – we’re all doomed to suffer from photographic arm fat, right? Wrong. The geniuses at Who What Wear have provided us with AMAZING tips for looking thin in photos (thanks to Lady A for alerting me to this). Since they already used the most visually-effective display on their slideshow….
I will use photos of Beyonce to illustrate some of their finer points. Whoever said these photos are “unflattering,” must not have known about the rules because Bey followed them to a T:
Put Your Hand on Your Hip
Don’t Tightly Press Your Arms to Your Body
Keep Your Chin Up and Out
Pull Your Shoulders Back
Experiment With Selfies to Find Your Best Angle
Add a Filter
Slightly Twist Your Body to the Side
Avoid Bulky Clothing
Wear Dark Clothing
I just feel like….was this slideshow an April Fool’s Day joke? Who What Wear was created by former ELLE Magazine editors. I hope an intern did this.
Happy 15th birthday to one of the only Drew Barrymore movies I can stand – Never Been Kissed.
I know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).
Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.
B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.
Kim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.
Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.
I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.
And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.
Other thoughts:
The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.
Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird
Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).
Also, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.
The one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”
Sweet garden panty, Gaga
Love, MTV Spring Break ’00
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I pay homage to my paler side with pros and cons of being Irish.
Pros:
1. We’re light on our feet
I’ve been told I have a hop in my step – it’s because there’s an Irish jig playing on loop in my head, obvi.
2. St. Patrick’s Day (self-explanatory)
3. Drunk uncle is not just an SNL character
4. We always had a friend growing up because our grandparents didn’t believe in condoms. Thanks to your poor grandma being pregnant for 20 years straight, you have 19 cousins!
I’m actually a Kennedy
5. We’re made out of marshmallows and magic
1. Pasty pink skin, yum
2. Irish food is terrible…I don’t mean the disgusting things I found Googling Lucky Charms:
I mean this:
Mmm grandma’s cooking
3. Your last name is so boring and common that on St. Patrick’s Day, the idiot bar tenders can’t even keep track of all the same-name tabs and they give your card away to someone else who probably lives in Hoboken (I know you live there, Michael Ryan, and I know you have my credit card).
4. You had nightmares thanks to those little laminated prayer cards with frightening biblical images on them. I’m pretty sure I used the Angel of Death as a bookmark for most of middle school.
Mom, I know we’re not Jewish but I’m the first-born sooo can I put lamb’s blood over my bedroom door?
5. Our mouths are too small for our teeth
Palate expander!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!
Recently I’ve been into re-watching movies that I loved as a child – and I’ve come to the realization that I was seriously disturbed (and not because I ever wore orange).
My friends were concerned about me when I insisted Eve’s Bayou – a movie about a little girl who wishes her father death by the power of voodoo because he cheated on her mother and molested her sister – was a great movie when I was a kid. But I was still in denial that I was a normal child.
The Ice Storm
When I painstakingly combed through movies filmed in Connecticut, I was reminded of The Ice Storm, another one of my old favorites. It takes place and is filmed in New Canaan, CT and features a super star-studded cast: Christina Ricci, Tobey Maguire, Elijah Wood, Katie Holmes, Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver, Allison Janney, the mom from The Notebook, the kid from Jumanji, the elf from The Santa Clause, the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I decided to reminisce and watch it because, again, I LOVED this movie. It made me want to go back in time and shield my baby 10-year-old eyes.
Here are some super kid-friendly moments (and by that I mean the whole plot):
1. Christina Ricci’s dad is having an affair with the Sigourney Weaver. Christina is 14 and she hooking up with Sigourney’s son, Elijah Wood.
2. While waiting in the house for Sigurney, Christina’s father catches her fondling Elijah and wearing a Nixon mask. Then he tells her he doesn’t really care and carries her home.
SO
BIZARRE
3. Christina Ricci insists on getting naked with Elijah’s younger brother (so he’s like 12..)
4. The mom finds out that her husband, Kevin Kline, is having sleeping with Sigourney, yet they go to a swingers party with Sigourney and her husband. Mom ends up having sex with Sigourney’s husband in the car while Kevin Kline is puking in the bathroom.
Ladies, pick your man
5. Kevin Kline drives home in the ice storm that night and finds Elijah Wood dead in the road after being electrocuted.
6. He brings the kid home to the neighbor’s house where his daughter is naked with a small child, his wife is hanging out with his mistress’ husband, and the mistress is asleep upstairs.
7. Meanwhile his son, Tobey Maguire, is in the city taking prescription drugs with Katie Holmes and the elf.
8. The movie ends with the whole family – mom, dad, Christina and Toby – in the car and Kevin Kline starts crying into the steering wheel.
FIN
Nature of the job….
I now know every movie that has filmed scenes in Connecticut. Since I’m full of so much knowledge and I spent 9 hours putting this together, I’ll share my masterpiece: Movies filmed in Connecticut
Also, my first brush with fame happened thanks to movies in CT.
Hey Heigl
I also know too much about Jane Fonda’s life, so you might want to educate yourself on that too.
Best dressed
It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.
Clearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:
“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”
Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.
And then, as with all things that start with Anne Hathaway, my eyes glossed over… so I’ll back track to dresses.
Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.
Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!
Thank God that motorcycle cop was there
Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.
The sorrow in Jen’s eyes
Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.
Whoopie Goldberg borrowed Julia Roberts’ grandma dress and it was….not cute.
Matthew Mcconaughey, his wife and his mom floated to the red carpet on a cloud of beauty.
Lady Gaga was there? And in a normal (albeit ill-fitting) dress?
Pharrell wore shorts like an idiot.
And of course the talk of the town, Lupita, looked like Cinderella in a beautiful blue princess dress.
Everyone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):
But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.
Inside the show, Ellen took an epic selfie, ordered pizza and then asked celebs to pay for it.
Lupita’s brother? Way to get front and center in the best photo of all time – you win.
To pizza guy: “Who’s your favorite movie star? They’re here. Who you want to talk to?”
My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.
At least they have each other
And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!
What is she thinking?? This better be for a movie, role and that movie role better be worth it.
OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:
And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:
“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”
On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”
Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”
“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”
“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”
Some Oscar slideshows:
Mid-day Margarita 