The Wolf.

img6If you don’t know what The Wolf of Wall Street is about, it’s a true story about Jordan Belfort who became a stock market billionaire by the time he was 26 in the 90s. He does a bunch of drugs and wild things, becomes frenemies with Steve Madden and then goes to jail. The end.

Here’s what you need to know about the movie:

wows2Don’t make any future plans because you will be in the movie theater for the rest of your life. It’s long. I’m not complaining; I loved the movie – but to arrive at a theater at 1:45 and leave at 5:45 is a bit much. Some scenes did drag on a little – like one of Leo’s epic speeches, which I actually thought dragged on in the book too. I mean, move it along Jordan. Having read the book, I also knew what was going to happen (obviously) so when 2 hours into the movie they still hadn’t sunk a boat (spoiler?) I got a little antsy. But there are way worse things than spending 3 hours with Leonardo.

quaaludes-hookers-and-penny-stocks-the-wolf-of-wall-street-is-epicSpeaking of my boyfriend, Leo is great as usual. We’ve all learned by now that he can play pretty much any character believably – but he may have been a little ambitious in his role as a 22-year-old Jordan Belfort at the beginning of the movie. They didn’t even try to Benjamin-Button him. But the movie is narrated by Jordan in first-person and has a little bit of a whimsical feel, so maybe it was supposed to be him like inserting his present self into his memories? Or maybe I’m giving Mr. Scorsese and his makeup team too much credit.

This is how he should have looked

This is how he should have looked

Prepare yourself for excessive female nudity, excessive drug use, sexually explicit scenes and Jonah Hill’s penis.

Jonah Hill is hilarious with his fake massive teeth. He is becoming quite the talented sidekick. First alongside Brad Pitt in that baseball movie I had no interest in, and now with Leo. If you can’t be the man of everyone’s dreams, stand next to him and tell jokes. Genius.

wolf-of-wall-street05

wolf-of-wall-street-dicaprio-hillMatthew Mcconaughey has a 5-minute part. After reading the book and seeing the role he had in the movie, I figured they would extend the part for him. But they didn’t. Judging from his emaciated body, he was clearly still busy shooting Dallas Buyer’s Club (also good), so maybe he just wanted to hang out for a bit. This is really all he does:

a_560x0The girl who is playing the mother on How I Met Your Mother is also in the movie. She plays Jordan’s first and less-attractive wife.

His second wife is that girl with a Kermit voice from Pan Am, and she is a perfect specimen. I’d like to be her. I’d also like to remind her that we were once both at the same Rangers game so we’re basically friends and she should introduce me to Leo.

She's Barbie

She’s Barbie

The real Jordan Belfort makes a cameo. I was like “hey I recognize you from your little face on the back of the book.” This is not surprising since he is obviously an attention whore and probably not that rich anymore.

The real and very tan Jordan Belfort

The real and very tan Jordan Belfort

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