A blessing and a curse

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I pay homage to my paler side with pros and cons of being Irish.

Pros:

1. We’re light on our feet

I’ve been told I have a hop in my step – it’s because there’s an Irish jig playing on loop in my head, obvi.

2. St. Patrick’s Day (self-explanatory)

3. Drunk uncle is not just an SNL character

4. We always had a friend growing up because our grandparents didn’t believe in condoms. Thanks to your poor grandma being pregnant for 20 years straight, you have 19 cousins!

I’m actually a Kennedy

5. We’re made out of marshmallows and magic

Cons:

1. Pasty pink skin, yum

2. Irish food is terrible…I don’t mean the disgusting things I found Googling Lucky Charms:

I mean this:

Mmm grandma’s cooking

3. Your last name is so boring and common that on St. Patrick’s Day, the idiot bar tenders can’t even keep track of all the same-name tabs and they give your card away to someone else who probably lives in Hoboken (I know you live there, Michael Ryan, and I know you have my credit card).

4. You had nightmares thanks to those little laminated prayer cards with frightening biblical images on them. I’m pretty sure I used the Angel of Death as a bookmark for most of middle school.

Mom, I know we’re not Jewish but I’m the first-born sooo can I put lamb’s blood over my bedroom door?

5. Our mouths are too small for our teeth

Palate expander!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

Happy Valentine’s Day, my babies

Love,

My favorite couple

…. And a Happy New Year

The worst Christmas presents

To get into the holiday spirit, I’m going to tool on my mom (out of love of course).

Through the years, one of the most exciting parts of Christmas morning has become, not finding out if I got what I wanted, but finding out what I never knew I never wanted. This is because my mother is the worst gift-giver of all time. It’s not that she’s lazy or not thoughtful – she just has an uncanny ability to buy bizarre presents.

In anticipation of what treasures I may unwrap on Wednesday, I’m taking a look back at some gems:

5. Ice Scraper

Even beauty queens scrape ice of their cars

In her defense, this has come in handy many times. In my defense, most boring gift ever.

4. Onesie Snow Suit

This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing except I was 15. And anyone who has known me since before I was born should know that never have I ever voluntarily played in the snow.

3. “Robsessed” the movie

I made the mistake of introducing my mom to the Twilight series. Because of that mistake, I am the proud owner of 2 movie guide books, trading cards, holographic bookmarks, an Edward Cullen doll, and this movie. “Robsessed” is a series of interviews from people who once sat down next to Robert Pattinson at a bar, or did the high school play with him one year, or may have passed him on the street.

 

2. “Lord of the Rings” DVD

Eew, why would I ever?

I know a lot of people are into this wizard nonsense, so this might seem like a great gift. Well it’s not. It’s like giving Victoria Beckham a burger, or Miley Cyrus pants, or Gretchen Weiners hoop earrings.

1. Brown Corduroy Bin

This gift was brought up ceremoniously from the basement all wrapped up in shiny Christmas paper. “The last gift is for your father!”

My father has a very high tolerance for my mom’s bad gift-giving, and luckily for their marriage thinks it’s funny. But even he couldn’t hold back “what the hell is this” when his grand gift was an empty brown bin. My mother responded with uncontrollable laughter. I’m thinking it might all be a sick joke on us.

Happy Thanksgivukkah

Love, Seth Cohen.

Happy Halloween!!

I’ve been so in the Halloween spirit all month prepping for today!

I carved a pumpkin

Got an awesome costume together with minimal effort.

Made Halloween decorations from scratch:

Credit: Erin

Had some extra burlap….obv

Stole Halloween decorations from bars:

Watched the best movie ever.

Bought some candy for the trick-or-treaters that probably won’t come. Do NYC kids trick-or-treat?

And ate a fun-size Snickers bar for breakfast today. I am ready.

It’s almost time!

Halloween is tomorrow, and I’ve already watched Hocus Pocus so I’m in full spirit. But if you STILL don’t have a costume because you’re boring, you can do what I did and reuse an old idea – but with a new vision.

I love my pumpkin costume, but I’ve already worn it twice, so this year I decided to change it up a little by attaching strobe lights to my body.

The essential for this costume is obvi my pumpkin-top head band – best thing I’ve ever made.

Then I stocked up on light-up necklaces from CVS…

…Got some safety pins and a friend who wasn’t afraid to pin lights to my boobs

And voila! Epilepsy pumpkin was born:

Sorry I’m Fly

Halloween came a little early for my ladies and me last weekend. So if you still haven’t found a costume, here’s some inspiration from Ally.

All you need is a Forever 21, a TJ Maxx, a street vendor, a vision and all of this can be yours:

The final product:

What exactly is she dressed as? Whatever you want her to be….

Ghetto Harry Potter

Halloween tips from your friendly HR team!

I regrettably do not belong to the Society for Human Resource Management, but lucky I have a man on the inside. That man is HR professional extraordinaire, Ally.

Thanks to her membership to this exclusive underground society, I’ve been granted access to this important piece of literature: “Can the ‘Naughty Nurse’ and Modern Workplace Coexist?”

In preparation for Halloween falling on a week day, I’d like to break down some of the main points:

HR managers and employer attorneys offer the following advice to companies that want to create policies for Halloween costumes and parties:

1. “Provide examples of inappropriate costumes for the workplace, such as costumes that exaggerate body parts, those that reveal too much of the body, men and women dressed as the opposite sex, terrorist get-ups, or ethnic, religious or race-based costumes.”

Here are some examples of BAD costumes according to SHRM:

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2. “Caution employees of hospitals or other health care organizations that images of ghosts, graves, skeletons and blood don’t go over well in health care settings.”

The “naughty nurse” could be confusing in a hospital setting.

I am unsure which one of these is my real nurse

This is offensive to the guy who actually looks like this

3. “Request that workers avoid donning political costumes that could be offensive.”

 

4. Be careful with topical costumes, and don’t chase people. “Wearing a ‘pink slip’ over clothing and chase co-workers around might not be funny given the current unemployment rate.”

5. And the trick to getting Halloween off:

“If Halloween offends some workers, offer to let them work at home or take the day off.”

I HATE IT, and I’m going home

Here’s some extra reading if you want to be SUPER informed:

Allowing Halloween Costumes at Work Can Be Tricky

Halloween Celebrations Can Lead to Scary Situations 

Happy October!

I’m too lazy and busy to actually write anything original, so look back on my old Halloween posts and get a costume idea now so you don’t have to settle for dressing up as Miley Cyrus at the VMAs with the rest of America.

Worst Halloween ever

Last minute Halloween

Childhood Gems

Other worst Halloween ever

Peter Pan

Spice Girls

Pumpkin