To get into the holiday spirit, I’m going to tool on my mom (out of love of course).
Through the years, one of the most exciting parts of Christmas morning has become, not finding out if I got what I wanted, but finding out what I never knew I never wanted. This is because my mother is the worst gift-giver of all time. It’s not that she’s lazy or not thoughtful – she just has an uncanny ability to buy bizarre presents.
In anticipation of what treasures I may unwrap on Wednesday, I’m taking a look back at some gems:
5. Ice Scraper
Even beauty queens scrape ice of their cars
In her defense, this has come in handy many times. In my defense, most boring gift ever.
4. Onesie Snow Suit
This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing except I was 15. And anyone who has known me since before I was born should know that never have I ever voluntarily played in the snow.
3. “Robsessed” the movie
I made the mistake of introducing my mom to the Twilight series. Because of that mistake, I am the proud owner of 2 movie guide books, trading cards, holographic bookmarks, an Edward Cullen doll, and this movie. “Robsessed” is a series of interviews from people who once sat down next to Robert Pattinson at a bar, or did the high school play with him one year, or may have passed him on the street.
2. “Lord of the Rings” DVD
Eew, why would I ever?
I know a lot of people are into this wizard nonsense, so this might seem like a great gift. Well it’s not. It’s like giving Victoria Beckham a burger, or Miley Cyrus pants, or Gretchen Weiners hoop earrings.
1. Brown Corduroy Bin
This gift was brought up ceremoniously from the basement all wrapped up in shiny Christmas paper. “The last gift is for your father!”
My father has a very high tolerance for my mom’s bad gift-giving, and luckily for their marriage thinks it’s funny. But even he couldn’t hold back “what the hell is this” when his grand gift was an empty brown bin. My mother responded with uncontrollable laughter. I’m thinking it might all be a sick joke on us.