Gaga frolics with Housewives at Hearst Castle

gagaguybirdI know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).

Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.

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B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.

lady-gaga-rhobh-guy-videoKim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.

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Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.

I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.

And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.

lady-gaga-video-01Other thoughts:

The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.

Kanye's bird vs. Gaga's bird

Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird

Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).

screen-shot-2014-03-24-at-10-11-33-amAlso, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.

ttlBabySunRisingThe one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

 

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Katie Couric is a big Sheryl Crow fan

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Last night, I took Alyssa up on her offer of one free ticket to the PBS taping of The Artists Den with Sheryl Crow at the Plaza Hotel. Aside from it being too random to pass up, I actually am an avid listener of the Sheryl Crow Pandora station – it’s like the Lilith Fair in your headphones.

photo[4]When we first got there, the whole thing seemed very unorganized – booze was downstairs, standing room only etc. etc. but then it got good. Sheryl was awesome and played most of her old songs (sprinkled with some of her new country songs, which are pretty cheese), and we got to stand under Katie Couric’s balcony seating.

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Gotta Insta that

Gotta Insta that

Hi Katie. I'm down here

Hi Katie. I’m down here

Katie is apparently a huge fan. She spent the whole time canoodling with her man and taking videos of the concert on her phone. I checked her Instagram to see if she posted any photos from the concert. She didn’t, but she did post this:

photoI was really hoping to meet her at the VIP after party at the Oak Room (yeah we had access, we are fancy) so I could charm her and she’d take me under her journalistic wing, but she left the show early.

The show ended on a great note with “Everyday is a Winding Road,” so we were excited when she came back for an encore. Apparently they thought it would be an awesome idea to end the concert with a song that made everyone want to go blow dry their hair in the tub.

“Waterproof Mascara” is a new country jam about Sheryl Crow’s fatherless children and it includes the line “Thank God they made waterproof mascara ’cause it won’t run like his daddy did.”

So after that song ended everyone kind of laughed about it and was like okay kiss kiss goodnight, I’m going to go never listen to that again. But then Sheryl came back. Since this was taped for TV she had to do some songs over again. This was one of them. Seriously? Luckily she redeemed herself by having to redo “Steve McQueen” after that.

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But then, she had to do the mascara song AGAIN. Three times. She even apologized for being such a “womp.” I mean, yes, you are a womp right now Sheryl. The only upside, we thought, was that by this point we knew the lyrics so we could pretend to get really into it and they would want to tape us for the show.

Even after three renditions of the most depressing song ever written, I was still loving the Sheryl so I was all for going to the Oak Room to meet her. The first thing I noticed is that she’s super tiny, the second thing I noticed is that she’s super nice. Alyssa happened to come across an article about her in Rolling Stone so she brought it to get signed. After she signed it, my girl Sheryl remembered that she had yet to shake my hand so she initiated the best-friendship – which is good because I would not have let her off the hook. My name is Lidia and it’s nice to meet you, Sheryl – and I’m not letting you get away without hearing it!

She smiled for my photo

She smiled for my photo

We couldn’t get a photo with her because she was in and out really quickly, but we stayed afterward and hung out with all 5 people who actually showed up to the after party. And by “hung out” I mean we sat by ourselves and had all the free cheese and salad and wine.

Little keepsake

Little keepsake

Then we left the plaza to head back home and Alyssa stepped on a rat – just a little reminder of our real place in this world after a night of luxury.

Random food at the Oak Room

Weird midnight dinner at the Oak Room?

Let’s talk about…pop music?

I don’t get it. Should I be getting it?

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I obviously like to keep up with Miley Cyrus’ latest video ventures, so I watched this Big Sean video starring half-naked Miley and some roses. I thought she might have a part in the song at some point, but clearly, it makes more sense to just have her move sexually in slow motion without actually singing. I mean, now that I actually say it, it kind of does make sense because her voice is not cute.

But still, why Miley? I’m so sick of her.

Moving on, Lady Gaga is back. Congratulations. Since her last album came out I decided she’s the worst, but I wanted to see what kind of weirdness she came up with. At first I thought the video for “Applause” was pretty tame for Lady Gaga.

She wears a hand bra, a really ugly Mad Hatter outfit…

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…and then turns into a #pone. But it’s still not that disturbing.

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But then….remember when she hatched out of an egg at the Grammy’s that one time? Well she does it again, but this time she looks like this:

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and this:

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You’re welcome for the nightmares.

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-butyourereallypretty.com

-butyourereallypretty.com

Beyonce gets MORE annoying

Right on the heels of my frustration with the Queen Bey shutting down Charlotte, I hear a song of hers I hadn’t heard yet. And it opens with this:

I know when you were little girls
You dreamt of being in my world
Don’t forget it, don’t forget it
Respect that, bow down bitches

Excuse me, I will not. Throwing it in my face that I loved Destiny’s Child? Rude.

Also, she apparently released a 1 second sneak peak of a new video for this song, and she’s wearing a grill. I am so over this.

Disco’s alive?

Oh hey Salma Hayek

Oh hey Salma Hayek

I dedicate this to Alyssa:

It’s turning out to be the summer of disco ever since we heard “Get Lucky” (OMG song of the summerrr) in Miami – or I guess ever since we watched the movie 54 for free on Hulu a few months ago (I do not recommend it despite the weird early-millennium chic star-studded cast).

Since then we’ve been jamming out and doing sit-ups to the classics, but it’s not just us. Disco is back, and it seems like some of the worst people got together and embraced it:

Sidenote to Chris Brown: You thought it would be a good idea to use the lyric “It’s alright, I’m not dangerous?” Also, you are not Michael Jackson, and your video is racist. I mean I get it…”fine China”….Asian people… but it’s not good and it reminds me of an episode of “Shelby Woo.”