– Words of wisdom from John lax bro of Katonah (of all places). He writes poetry with drawings and does “lots of things.”
I’m back at work in gloomy, rainy, cold CT wishing I was hungover by the pool in Dallas forcing bread down my throat in hopes that it will soak up last night’s tequila shot. But those (2) days are gone, so I will relive my glorious weekend by sharing some Dallas, TX truisms that I learned during my short stay.
1. Texans are better than we are. It’s so true what they say about North-easterners being total bitches and d-bags; we are. People in Texas are super nice and friendly. They will always be happy to talk to you, and you should be happy to talk to them because their accent will make you fall in love. Even the people working at the airport are nice! I thought it was required that you have a bad attitude if you want to work at an airport. Also, percentage-wise, Texans are significantly better looking than people over here.
2. Texas is huge. I know, obviously, but it didn’t really hit me until I was flying over San Antonio and still had an hour left until we got to Dallas.
3. Cab drivers get super sassy when you pay with a credit card. This is because they don’t have card swipers in their cabs so they literally have to make carbon copies of your credit card. Get with the program Dallas, the world almost ended this weekend and you still haven’t gotten around to credit card swipers?
4. Cab drivers get super sassy when you say you are in Dallas for pleasure not business. “Where is the pleasure in Dallas?” Way to sell the city…and p.s. cabbie, there is plenty o’ pleasure in Dallas.
5. After a night out, you will get an inexplicable urge to run up broken escalators in high heels and vandalize the displays in your hotel. You will also call the bar you just left and leave a voice mail in a thick Texas accent and think it was flawless.
6. You will struggle with the concept of “push vs. pull.” This is somewhat understandable given that red means ‘cold,’ and blue means ‘hot’ in the shower…?
7. Now this is solely going off of my one trip to Dallas, but based on the evidence I have collected there is a 100% chance that there will be a cheerleading competition happening in your hotel.
8. They ride mechanical bulls.
9. People wear cowboy hats and belt buckles with eagles on them, and say “ya’ll” A LOT – they are not joking about it.
10. You can go to the mall, go ice skating, eat dinner, swim in a pool and be an accountant all in the same building.
11. Drinks in Texas have magical hang over powers – as in you WILL be hung over.
12. It’s hot.
13. There is a one-hour time difference.
14. You will be excited to meet cowboys, and you will. But you will also meet someone from a lame-ass town near where you are from. Even in Texas, the world is way too small.
15. You can choose between a bolo tie with a boot or a lone star.
16. If someone accidentally steals your camera, they will walk the city streets until they find you and safely return the camera to its rightful owner. They will be disappointed when they don’t get a kiss.
17. People frequently eat off plates in cabs.
18. “There is nothing ‘high school’ about college football.”
19. More often than not, people in Texas are celebrity look-a-likes. I met Michael Cera, Cee Lo Green, and Notorious B.I.G.
20. People actually think it’s exciting that you are from Connecticut.
21. They don’t know Alanis Morissette songs.
22. Again, this is only based on one trip, but there is a 100% chance that you will pay $18.00 for a cup of coffee.
23. But there is a 0% chance that you will not have fun.