Lyrical Genius (Vol. 9): I give this one a big LOL

I don’t follow country music or LL Cool J because I’m busy doing cooler things like watching reruns of the Nanny on Nick at Nite. But I saw something online today about backlash against a Brad Paisley/LL Cool J “duet” called “Accidental Racist,” and I thought…that sounds real dumb. (Listen to it if you must)

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The two best friends that anybody could have

So I did some research and painstakingly sifted through like 5 YouTube videos to find the song. The song basically addresses white man’s guilt – specifically southern white man’s guilt. Brad says:

To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand
When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I’m a Skynyrd fan…

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But I am really jealous that Steve Martin is the father of your bride

I’m just a white man comin’ to you from the southland
Tryin’ to understand what it’s like not to be
I’m proud of where I’m from but not everything we’ve done
And it ain’t like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn’t start this nation
We’re still pickin’ up the pieces, walkin’ on eggshells, fightin’ over yesterday
And caught between southern pride and southern blame

To which Cool James replies:

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But I am really jealous of your Kangol hat and your #swag

Dear Mr. White Man, I wish you understood
What the world is really like when you’re livin’ in the hood
Just because my pants are saggin’ doesn’t mean I’m up to no good
I want you to get paid but be a slave I never could
Feel like a new fangled Django, dodgin’ invisible white hoods
So when I see that white cowboy hat, I’m thinkin’ it’s not all good
I guess we’re both guilty of judgin’ the cover not the book
I’d love to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air
But I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn’t here

I mean, no one should wear the confederate flag anywhere (especially Starbucks) because that’s rude, and no one should ever say “conversate” because that’s not a word sooo….

Basically, this is the worst effing song I’ve ever heard, but I don’t get why it’s sooo controversial. I get what they’re saying – they’re saying everyone get over it already. I mean sure, if you’re from the South, I might assume that you’re racist (and that you don’t even know what Starbucks is) but that’s just because I’m direction-ist and only like people from the the Northeast – which is obviously a national epidemic that I plan on exploiting all the way to the Country Music Awards.

All I’m saying is that my big issue with this song is not that Brad Paisley is trying to convince us he’s not racist by befriending a less-than-current rapper from New York; the problem is it’s the cheesiest ballad with the worst lyrics, and it sounds like an SNL skit.

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I mean…

“If you don’t judge my do-rag, I won’t judge your red flag”

“I try to put myself in your shoes and that’s a good place to begin
But it ain’t like I can walk a mile in someone else’s skin”

“RIP Robert E. Lee but I’ve gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me, know what I mean”

That’s it, racism solved. Thanks guys.

Although, this is coming from the same man who wrote a song that includes the line “I’d like to check you for ticks.” Gross, no thanks.

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