Love, MTV Spring Break ’00
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I pay homage to my paler side with pros and cons of being Irish.
1. We’re light on our feet
3. Drunk uncle is not just an SNL character
5. We’re made out of marshmallows and magic
1. Pasty pink skin, yum
2. Irish food is terrible…I don’t mean the disgusting things I found Googling Lucky Charms:
I mean this:
3. Your last name is so boring and common that on St. Patrick’s Day, the idiot bar tenders can’t even keep track of all the same-name tabs and they give your card away to someone else who probably lives in Hoboken (I know you live there, Michael Ryan, and I know you have my credit card).
4. You had nightmares thanks to those little laminated prayer cards with frightening biblical images on them. I’m pretty sure I used the Angel of Death as a bookmark for most of middle school.
5. Our mouths are too small for our teeth
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!
Recently I’ve been into re-watching movies that I loved as a child – and I’ve come to the realization that I was seriously disturbed (and not because I ever wore orange).
My friends were concerned about me when I insisted Eve’s Bayou – a movie about a little girl who wishes her father death by the power of voodoo because he cheated on her mother and molested her sister – was a great movie when I was a kid. But I was still in denial that I was a normal child.
When I painstakingly combed through movies filmed in Connecticut, I was reminded of The Ice Storm, another one of my old favorites. It takes place and is filmed in New Canaan, CT and features a super star-studded cast: Christina Ricci, Tobey Maguire, Elijah Wood, Katie Holmes, Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver, Allison Janney, the mom from The Notebook, the kid from Jumanji, the elf from The Santa Clause, the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I decided to reminisce and watch it because, again, I LOVED this movie. It made me want to go back in time and shield my baby 10-year-old eyes.
Here are some super kid-friendly moments (and by that I mean the whole plot):
3. Christina Ricci insists on getting naked with Elijah’s younger brother (so he’s like 12..)
4. The mom finds out that her husband, Kevin Kline, is having sleeping with Sigourney, yet they go to a swingers party with Sigourney and her husband. Mom ends up having sex with Sigourney’s husband in the car while Kevin Kline is puking in the bathroom.
5. Kevin Kline drives home in the ice storm that night and finds Elijah Wood dead in the road after being electrocuted.
7. Meanwhile his son, Tobey Maguire, is in the city taking prescription drugs with Katie Holmes and the elf.
8. The movie ends with the whole family – mom, dad, Christina and Toby – in the car and Kevin Kline starts crying into the steering wheel.
Nature of the job….
I now know every movie that has filmed scenes in Connecticut. Since I’m full of so much knowledge and I spent 9 hours putting this together, I’ll share my masterpiece: Movies filmed in Connecticut
Also, my first brush with fame happened thanks to movies in CT.
I also know too much about Jane Fonda’s life, so you might want to educate yourself on that too.
It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.
Clearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:
“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”
Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.
Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.
Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!
Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.
Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.
Everyone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):
But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.
My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.
And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!
OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:
And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:
“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”
On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”
Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”
“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”
“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”
Some Oscar slideshows:
People have been making a big deal about the 20th anniversary of Reality Bites. I had never seen it mostly because I was 6 in 1994, but also because I thought I hated Winona Ryder.
But once I really thought about it (for like 5 minutes), I realized I don’t hate Winona. In fact, I’m kind of all about her. Some of the best movies of my childhood star Winona. So I watched Reality Bites, and now I’ll give you my top Winona movies starting with one of my all-time favorite movies starring anyone..
This movie used to be on HBO all the time when I was little and I used to watch it multiple times a week. I loved scandalous movies, so a plot line involving a 13-year-old marrying her adult cousin was right up my ally.
My first memory of this one is asking my mom if I could rent it because I thought it was actually about mermaids. It’s not – it’s about a girl who wants to be a nun but thinks she’s pregnant after making out with a bus driver. Even better.
I was (kind of still am) weirdly obsessed with modular homes and 60s suburbs, so I mainly liked this movie because of where they live. But also a good “Beauty and the Beast” story never fails. And blonde Winona is a nice change.
Were people actually obsessed with pizza and Big Gulps at the time? Or is it just a Texas thing?
This movies is a little too weird even for me, and I hate Christian Slater a lot. But it’s still good in a really morbid way. Who thinks of making a movie about teenagers that accidentally make suicide a trendy thing to do?
6. Little Women
This may be the movie that made me think I hated Winona. Jo is so annoying – but whatever it’s a classic and Kirsten Dunst is one of my favs.
I don’t like Beetlejuice. I only added it to this list because I was asked if I was named after the girl in Beetlejuice my entire childhood. It did come out the same year I was born, but obviously not. My parents aren’t freaks.