Amish mean girls

I’m a little late, but I’ve been too busy being fab to recap my new favorite TV show: “Breaking Amish.”

The subway sucks, I know.

The two roomies and I were cuddled up on our love seat/sole piece of furniture in the living room with nothing to watch on TV. “Breaking Amish” on TLC sounded like a semi-interesting documentary, so we turned it on. Wrong. It’s a cross between Real Housewives of the Year 1700 and Mean Girls in bonnets.

In Sunday’s episode, the young men and women experience New York City for the first time. Abe shows us how sheltered they are from the outside world when he’s amazed that with just one push of a button there can be light. He also calls Rebecca “hot,” proving that he has most likely never seen another woman in his life.

It might be a little cruel to laugh at these people and exploit their lifestyle on TV…but I don’t care. It’s fun.

Rebecca WILL hit you.

Once they get all the ogling at electricity and Mountain Dew out of their systems, they start showing their true Amish colors. Turns out Amish girls are just your run of the mill (literally) biotches, and there is such a thing as an Amish bro. For the girls we have queen bee Kate: the beauty of the Pennsylvania Dutch, Rebecca (pronounced REbecca): underage b*tch extraordinaire and apple of Abe’s eye, and the Mennonite girl who looks like Mindy Kaling. The guys are Abe, who seems to be an average butter churning boy, and too-cool-for-school Jeremiah who aspires to be a NYC cab driver.

And Kate has a DUI. Did this mug shot inspire her modeling dreams?

Normal 14-year-old girls would gossip with each other and make fun of other girls in their class – “OMG Ashley totally stuffs her bra.” But what makes this show great is that Rebecca doesn’t stuff her bra; she stuffs her mouth – with teeth. And they are also not teenagers but 20-something-year-olds. “OMG, did Rebecca have teeth in this morning?” Nope, she did not = TV gold. Up until this point, we think Rebecca is going to have the upper hand, but once the teeth thing is out, Kate shows us that she’s the boss with her surprisingly 21st-century cattiness: “Some people are afraid of clowns. I’m afraid of people with no teeth.”

How does she know what a clown is?

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