So bad, it’s still bad

HBO has been making some interesting choices lately with the movies it decides to air. In the past week I have watched two of these movies – one I remember from when I was younger, and one I had never heard of in my life.

“The Crush”: So bad, it’s good.

Stop calling your neighbor to tell him you're "surfing the crimson wave."

Before she was a mama bird, played the fabulous Cher Horowitz in “Clueless,” and starred in an Aerosmith music video, Alicia Silverstone played a disturbed teenager in “The Crush.” I remember watching this movie when I was little and thinking it was so scandalous, so when I saw it was on the other day, I had to watch. It falls into the Lifetime movie-type dramas that were, for some reason, super popular at the time. There seemed to be an obsession with overly-sexualized teen girls in the 90s.

Anyway, Alicia plays a 14-year-old girl who develops a crush on her parents new tenant, a 28-year-old writer. It’s entertainment for the whole family when we find out that not only is she slutty, but she’s crazy and murderous too. I don’t really see why she finds the guy so attractive though – he wears awful glasses and has a weird ambiguous British accent.

He's not attractive.

It’s a 90s actors bonanza with appearances by Red from “That 70s Show” and the lesbian from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

 

“Kissing a Fool”: So bad, it’s still bad

Ugh, just wax.

With a cast consisting of David Schwimmer, Bonnie Hunt and Jason Lee, you would expect nothing less than a truly awful romantic comedy – and that’s what you get from “Kissing a Fool.” Basically you have Ross playing a womanizing sports caster (unlikely) who has a really lame best friend with an offensive unibrow. Ross’ friend sets him up with a beautiful girl (who, again, has an ambiguous accent) and they get engaged. Sure enough, unibrow falls in love with her and chaos ensues.

How do you sneak into every movie ever?

 

It’s a standard enough plot line, but the execution is so weird. The story is told by Bonnie Hunt (who plays a royal bitch), the acting is questionable, and there’s a lot of awkward staring. Also, Judy Greer plays the weird friend in every single movie. Will she ever get a leading role?

David Scwimmer gives the movie some redeeming qualities by saying “whaaduuuuppgh” 1,567 times in throughout, and by offering unibrow his Chicago Bulls lampshade because he’s not using it anymore. I learned a lot about true friendship through this movie.

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